...It's Not A Priority

This thought has been on my mind a lot lately. I see so many people I love and adore saying I wish I could do this thing but I don't have time, or I don't have money, or I should but I'm doing this other thing instead. Stop it. I read somewhere that you're always doing exactly what you want to be doing at any given time. You are. You might not like your job but you go to work because you want to because you want to pay your bills or buy yourself pretty thing or whatever you do with that money. You take on projects because you want to. You decided what to do with your time and in that moment you wanted to say yes, even if your insides are saying you didn't want to. If you didn't want to, you wouldn't have. You don't have money in savings because you wanted to spend it on something else. You don't workout because you wanted to do something else instead. You can't afford x because you wanted to buy y instead. You are always doing what you want to do. If you want to do it, there will be no excuses. Nothing changes if nothings changes so change the way you think about it. Change how you word that sentence. It's not that I can't afford to do this it just isn't a priority. It's not that I can't lose weight, it's that it isn't a priority. It's not that I don't have time for self care, it's that it isn't a priority. You should be a priority. The things you want should be important to you. But if your mind says can't then it's just making excuses and you need to have a little self-to-self talk and stop lying to yourself. You deserve better.

The Space Between Us

I started writing this blog because I needed an outlet that wasn't toxic. I was going through some things that I hadn't dealt with. Things that we happening that I needed to deal with. And this blog became that place I could go with those things. As you may have noticed, I haven't had much to say lately. Not that life hasn't been happening just that I wasn't moved to write. Today, 2 minutes from my job I found out my grandfather had passed away via a Facebook post. I knew he was given only days to live considering his diagnosis but finding out that way was jarring. Then again all other updates had been via text so it wasn't too unexpected, I guess.

My father's father. I had never really been close to that side of my family. When I was 6, my father died and all of a sudden it seemed like this invisible barrier was thrown up. I was 6 and enveloped with love from my mom's side of the family so I didn't exactly notice. But, when I made it to family gatherings for my dad's side (because my mom made that a priority until we were old enough to chose because she wanted them to be apart of our lives cause they were family,) I always felt like I was never comfortable. I never felt like I belonged. My brother and I were younger than our cousins and we didn't grow up with them like they did so there was not the same connection I knew with my other cousins who grew up as my siblings more than cousins. I was always quiet when we were there and such a big deal was made about it and attention brought to it which made me shrink in because I didn't like that. As I got older I was overweight, I'll never forget the first time someone made that clear with a sideways comment. It was at one of those family gatherings and it was so discouraging to have someone who didn't know much about me telling me I was overweight when I already didn't feel like I was one of "them".

As I got older a teenager and young adult, that space grew and there was never a time I felt comfortable reaching out. I was already an awkward teenager and I was still a child so how do you go about building broken relationships with adults who you didn't feel understood you, right? Then as an adult, I experienced a wedding that I honestly didn't expect anyone from that side to show for because I had chosen to marry someone of a different color and I had heard so many derogatory comments growing up. I had been told I just needed to understand why they didn't agree with my being in love with someone of a different race no matter how happy I was or how great he was to me. I am thankful for the 3 who showed even if they abruptly left. But that was another, you're not like us statement.

Between 2012 and 2017 I lost 3 very important people and my life was a downward spiral filled with depression for much of that. And a comment on Facebook or a like on a post was really the most I saw. And the space grew. Still, I did go visit my grandparents, even when I didn't show for family gatherings. We had one on one conversations. Even while my grandmother's memory started fading. I noticed it 3 years ago, for the first time in 28 years she didn't call and sign happy birthday or for the next 3 years and I know she has no control over that but the sadness it brought hit hard. But I would occasionally stop by or answer her phone calls asking questions that I knew she should've known. My mom made it a point to keep up with them and check in and listen to all the gossip my grandpa felt she should know lol. I went to see him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and for the first time ever, he complimented me instead of telling me I'd gained weight. He talked to me and told me he loved me. I knew then, that his prognosis was poor but that night I was able to have closure. And although, it may look on the outside that I don't care. That isn't remotely the case. There's just a lot of painful history to process. That doesn't mean the love isn't there. The love will always be there. For each of you. Even if we view things differently.

Rest peacefully Grandpa. To each of my family members, may you be wrapped with comfort. I love you.

BACK LIKE I NEVER LEFT

I went on vacation. Not an actual vacation or anything. Just a little living in the life, got caught up, forget to blog hiatus. Totally still here. during my break. I was intentional with my workouts and my yoga and my healthy (ish) eating... I did turn 30 after all. And birthday cake is a real thing. That was a big one. Definitely entered a new decade in life. I leaned out a little by focusing on me and my body's needs and less on the things going on around me and felt better because of it.

I also focused on coming to terms with the fact that being a positive person doesn't mean you don't have bad days. It doesn't mean you don't get angry or that you can't cuss at your trainer during your entire workout. It means you try to spread the love and light whenever you can to draw out some of that darkness. I found this snazzy snooze figure on the Facebook. You know those family members you love but are always promoting drama and negativity and you just can't have that in your space but don't wanna completely cut them out? Snooze them for a little and enjoy that breath of fresh air. I may miss out on a few of the positives but my overall wellness is improved so it's worth it.

As I'm finishing up my #fitin50 workout challenge (right on time by August 1st), I was thinking about what my next goal would be and so now I'm participating in a 30 days of Yoga ( see Yoga With Adriene) in 90 days Challenge. 90 days because life is busy and I'm already committed to personal training multiple times a week and yoga on Mondays at the chapel. So two days a week will be dedicated to Yoga with Adriene, in my bedroom. Committing to doing something for yourself is my favorite form of self-care. What's yours?

I tried to start reading a book with friends, except I couldn't afford the book and I realized Audible is not my friend. But my next personal goal is to focus on my reading. For fun or for growth just to focus on focusing because my mind has not been cooperative in that department later. I'm gonna make a reading list. Not just a TBR list, an intentional reading list. I've learned setting intentions and deadlines for myself and not just maybe someday goals works so much better for me because I'm committed to me. I've always been a dreamer so maybe somedays give me a little something to think about to keep hope alive but it's not the same.

Here's to doing better in life. Being the best me I can be cause I'm the only one. And never giving up on me. I'll wish the same for you too. Have a beautiful day you amazing humans!

It's Time To Feel Good

So recently, I've found some love for myself I didn't realize I wasn't expressing but that also brought me to a new summer theme. A feel good summer. I want to support feeling good in healthy ways always but as I'm surrounded by pushes for bikini bodies and slimming down (which are great if that's what you're aiming for) I'm reminded that's not what everyone is aiming for and it's not also as easy for some as it is for others. But feeling good is attainable. And a good measure for everyone. I'm gonna go on and say this one time, do not shame someone for seeking medical attention for depression or anxiety because they could've done it a natural way. Just FYI: that's totally not true for just everyone. But also, I do support combining alternative and modern medicines if modern medicine is needed. And of course, I also realize that sometimes you can't go about the alternative way because your depression and /or anxiety is clouding you and making you so unable to do more than the bare minimum that the idea of trying something "natural" while in that fog is nearly impossible. That's okay too. You got this, however works for you.

But now that we have the chance, lets focus on some feeling good. Eating the good foods that make you feel like you could take on the world. And less of the foods that, while delicious, make you feel tired and heavy and bloated, so bloated. Go out in the sunshine (with sunscreen) or the shade and touch the water or walk in the park or just sit on your porch. Practice yoga, even if you feel ridiculous doing it (try it in your living room or with other yogis.) Or simply sit in the quiet and just breathe. Workout. You don't have to be running marathons or lifting heavy. 20 mins, 3 times a week doing something small in your living room. Keep those endorphins flowing and dedicate time to you. Drink the water. I know all water doesn't taste the same and some people don't like it and hell there are people in this country who don't have access to clean water so don't take yours for granted and keep your body hydrated (and donate to the Flint Water Fund if you have the means.) If you need to there are plenty of things you can add to make your water delicious, this is my fave!

Do little things for yourself to give yourself gratitude and love and just feel good. I know I might sound crazy a little too positive but I've been down too. I been the "check on your withdrawn friend" friend and the "check on your strong friends" friend. I get it. I've been hiding the hiding my problems by getting blackout drunk and then functional to get my butt to work. Trust me, just because we haven't all had the same struggle doesn't mean I can't have empathy for your struggle. You never know what the person next to you is going through if they don't tell you. All I'm saying is when you get the chance to grab the swim floaties do all you can for you. Because you are loved, you are wanted, you will be missed if you're not hear. But find a purpose, goals, dreams. Feed your fire and live your best life. Because it's not just about what you mean to other people, yes it's great if what you mean to others is keeping you here, for now. Still, you have to find what's important to you. What are you here to fight for. Say it out loud. Say it with strength. Say it until it's the strongest voice you hear. You are absolutely amazing!

I say the things I believe and I say them with strength. And I mean it. And I will say it until you believe it too!

SELF LOVE AIN'T ALWAYS BODY LOVE--BUT IT CAN BE

My last post was about loving you even when you wanna change you. That you can love your plus-sized body and still strive to eat healthy and exercise. I really hope if you were struggling with that you came to see it doesn’t make you a traitor to your self-love to strive to be stronger. But a few days later I found a post that says body positivity was more than just nudity, crop tops, and bikinis. She is 100% correct. But if chakras have taught me anything. It’s that you gotta fix the root first.

The root chakra is associated with security, safety, survival, basic needs (food, sleep, shelter, self-preservation, etc.) grounding, support, foundation for living our lives and finally physicality, physical identity and aspects of self.  Essentially all those things that are skin deep. Next is your sacral and well that's where desire comes in and to your solar plexus where you define yourself and your heart chakra where you love yourself. That's a lot going on. But it really all seems to start with your physical view of yourself and feeling safe in that. 

Finding a way to accept and love your physical self is based on how we view ourselves but from a young age how we view ourselves is a learned behavior based on how others view us and what society teaches us is right or wrong with us. Being secure in your body in your nakedness, not necessarily publicly but when you look in your own mirror is a powerful emotion and sometimes requires becoming bare and raw in public. With that being said, I made a big step towards that in the past two weeks. I am still over 200lbs and I’m only 5’3” so there's a lot of rolls, and excess, and stretch marks and cellulite and as much as I love my body, baring it to the world was frightening as hell. 

Recently, though, I’d been inspired by plus-sized girls like me breaking out their bikinis and showing the world they cute as can be in all their glory. I posted on Facebook that I wanted the confidence to wear something like that. A week later, I bought me a two piece. A few days later, I wore it out in public. And did. And for the first time ever, I wasn’t feeling self-conscious about my belly being uncovered. It was amazing to realize how much I had stressed that moment in the past 15 years… since the last time I wore a bikini. I know I have, work to put in to continue my self love. I know I have work to put in to be my healthiest, strongest self. But just looking at how far I’ve come deserves celebration. 

I learned to put belief in myself. It came to fruition and man, it felt so good. I have a vision board at home but it needs revamping. I have a few more things, better goals I need to spill some belief in and a girl has the strength and the power to make it happen. I’m so thankful for the people that have surrounded me who build me up daily. From all sides, I’m blessed with love. It’s true what they say. What you focus on, you become. Follow your mind right on into believing in yourself and make what you desire happen. You can do great things, beautiful human. 

IT'S OKAY TO LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE

So last night, I was scrolling through my newsfeed, cause well isn’t that what everyone does before falling asleep, right? A fellow Champion Maker posted about not accepting that she was obese because she loved her body but she knew logically that her weight wasn’t healthy. She was just posting for support/encouragement. Her post hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, “Hey, that was me!” I have heard a lot of reasons why people decided to try AdvoCare to change their lifestyle. Most are crying about not being able to fit clothes or disgusted when they walk past a mirror. That wasn’t me. In fact, that word disgusting was so off putting to me. I had never thought of myself in that way. I love myself and I had an amazing and encouraging support system. I grew up learning to make deliciously full fat southern meals and encouraged to eat all you want as long as you’re not wasteful, my naps were encouraged as self care because I worked hard and I deserved to sleep before I got up and cooked dinner and I knew that I was loved and desired and I was reminded how beautiful I was daily. That sounds pretty great right?! It was. But it wasn’t healthy. I was working my way upto 260 lbs and not breathing at night when I slept, and having to sleep for an hour after work everyday before I cooked dinner was making my days pass even faster. I know all of that wasn’t based solely on one thing or another. I had suffered with depression, I worked at a job I cried going to everyday, I was infertile and I was struggling but knowing that so much was accepted and encouraged made it easier to not do anything to change it. Don’t get me wrong, I love naps. Savasana often turns into a power nap because I zone all the way out. But that’s when it’s self care, not when you need to nap because you don’t have the energy to cook dinner for your family. I’m happy to say now I get up for work, I’m gone for 10 hours, I go to workout, cook dinner, shower, and spend some quality time reading... or watching Parks & Rec… and yet not a single nap. I have energy, because I fuel my body to work the way it’s supposed to. I don’t wake up choking in the middle of the night. I control my cholesterol that is high thanks to PCOS. I learned that I could love me and not feel like I was betraying the body that I loved just because I wanted to be healthier. I wanted to live a long, life and have babies and those little things I was doing to make it through the day weren’t really necessary and I was losing time in life. I’m glad my story isn’t like everyone else's. I’m glad I’m fighting for so much more. If this sounds like you, if you know you wanna be healthy but don’t wanna betray your body believe me your body doesn’t care. It’ll be happy to have some good O2 flowing at night and a lower risk of heart disease and energy to do all the things you dream of doing. You’re worth living a long life. Remember it's okay to love you as you are, and it's okay to take the journey to be stronger and healthier at the exact same time.

I hope this made sense and I hope it helps. Helping others win is my goal in life. If you need someone to talk to or have questions shoot me a message. You’re amazing. I love you, you beautiful humans!

Dig Deeper

Sometimes the well isn't empty, maybe you just need to dig deeper. I had avowed myself to write weekly. I attempted to make that a "Thursdays are for blogging" deal but if you're like me sometimes the words flow too early and sometimes to late. Other times you need to say the things right then cause folks need to hear them or maybe waiting would make them irrelevant and something else has already happened. I mean, our perspectives are ever evolving. Life changes daily. Our dreams grow, our goals get met. Sometimes we have to destroy the vision board and start over. My point is, tis nearly end of day Sunday and for the week I said no words.

I still don't really have any words. I'm kinda feeling the life pause for a moment. It's just what I needed for a bit. I had a ridiculous rush of anxiety in the last 2 weeks and the world literally did not move, Okay, maybe it was figuratively but it just stopped. It wasn't good or bad but all these little fissures happened and I just new the volcano was gonna erupt. I saw the hair on my arms raise and the animals scurry, but alas. I'm still hear. The rumbles faded. So I decided to take that signal from the Universe and breathe for a moment. To just be still. To just be.

It was all pretty amazing timing in my personal opinion. I accepted somethings about myself, didn't really come to terms of happiness with them but accepted that they were things and I was gonna have to deal with them. My life pause included a little less movement, (not total I still managed some minimal strength training + this wonderful pushup challenge -__-, I kid. It's great) a few more carbs, and a little more quiet time. School is over for the semester. I did pretty well. But tomorrow starts anew. It's a culmination of a couple things but positive things.

For one, it's pay week which always relieves a little tension because as the majority of the population I live paycheck to a few days before paycheck. And tomorrow I start my second cleanse of the year and I can't wait to cleanse the body and refuel with the best nutrition I can. But my favorite thing about tomorrow is I get my yoga back. Yoga with Adriene is great at home, however, being in that chapel as majestic as it is with like minded lovers of the yoga to cleanse my soul with some breaths and good movement is what I've been longing for 6 months.

That one day a week where I get some good yoga in a blissful place. It's been a long time coming but I am thankful.I wish there were more helpful, affordable options in my town for this purpose but there aren't so this is my saving grace and I'm so thankful to have found it 2 short years ago. I hope to one day be able to grant that peace and wellness on my own after more dedicated practice so that others can feel those weights release and their soul filled up. Until then I shall take my moment as learning and chances to just be and fly with them.

May your Monday bring you happiness and a week filled with blessings. Namaste, beautiful human!

If I'm Being Honest...

When you know the darkness has already started creeping in but your grasping at anything to stay in the light. It's easy to recall all the things that are screaming depression. The things you once cared about you just don't anymore. Like that's the simplest explanation for me. Like I'm really passionate about health and wellness. I strive to be my best, but when you're sinking in that hole you just fill it with anything, junk food, video games, netflix binge, mindless scrolling, sleep, and one of my favorite escapes, reading. Like those things don't sound like bad things right, I mean maybe relax on the junk mindless scrolling but otherwise those sound like relaxing. But they really are is baseline functioning. 

Functional depression. That's what I call it at least, it's not like I'm a clinician or anything. Like I get up, go to work, interact when I have to, feed my face occasionally, pay my bills, shower sleep. I sound alive and no one is calling an intervention. But I want better than that. I want more. I don't want baseline functioning but all the things that are supposed to help don't. I love journaling, and making lists/plans, exercise and yoga and breathing and self-care. These are all things I do in my daily life but the darkness still creeps in. I still go numb. I still cry for no reason and all the reasons. There has got to be more. There has got to be a better way. 

I know so many friends, family, acquaintances who suffer from depression and or anxiety. Someone has to have an answer. What are your suggestions? What do you do to stand in the sun? I mean, yeah this could come up at that once a year check up where they do a depression and anxiety screening (at my one free checkup a year... the only one I can afford) and maybe I could find clinical relief (maybe) but that check-up is 6 months away and I honestly can't deal with the grey skies and doom and gloom for the next six months. I can't deal with the random outbursts of anger because I'm stressed or the frustration with myself that I am slowing losing control of my body again or the tears I have just driving down the street, or at my desk, or in the bathroom on a Monday.

Bottom line, it's just too much and well everything in America is broken, honestly and only one of which is the healthcare system so I need better suggestions for the now. So dear, beautiful people, help a girl out. Before this is my REALITY... 

I Need A Vacation

Like, I'm so serious. I need a break. I hate that though. That I need a vacation. A vacation shouldn't be this break you need from your everyday life to not eat a bullet. It should be a time you look forward to making unreal memories. Instead, vacation for me is just looking forward to a 40 hours away from work and barely making it through 360 more days of the year. That's depressing in so many ways, yall.

Stop stressing yourself out for 40 hours. Like, it's not worth. Yeah, money is important in our capitalist society. We live here we, can't help it. But you probably don't need as much as you think you do. You just don't so there ain't no reason to kill yourself for the job that is gonna replace you the day after you die from that heart-a-stroke.  I need to learn that lesson myself. I need to practice stress management and double up on self care and it's hard to find balance.

I want a YES life. Yes, I work hard, Yes my bills are paid, Yes, I practice self care, Yes, I can take a minute and just go be. Yes, I can help others around me. But somehow I keep getting suck in an instant gratification mindset. Like knowing I could make little sacrifices now and have big results down the road but when you're taught to live for the moment it's easy to get stuck looking at trees and not the seeing the forest.

We need more yes moments and we need people encouraging us but we also need reminders to keep us on track. Like when you were little and your mom was all no you can't have ice cream before dinner you'll ruin your appetite. Your mom knew ice cream was delicious and she'd love to have a bowl with you, but she also knew you wouldn't be getting the nutrients your body needed. She was guiding you to do better. We need moms. To tell us, "Hey, that sounds great and all but first you gotta do this. Just trust me. " For real, trust her. She knows.

I can admit I need that and admit that I fall short often of listening. I'm vowing to do better though. Because living for the moment like there isn't a tomorrow might leave you in the past. SO yeah, eat the ice cream, but get your veggies too. Enjoy the sun but put on your sunscreen. Treat yourself, but make sure your bills are paid and you put some money in that emergency fund. You legit can't live everyday telling yourself it's your last. You can take risks without sabotaging yourself. Promise.

So go out and get curious. Do the things. But never forget for most of us there is a tomorrow and you don't wanna miss out on it's adventures because you didn't consider them while you were only living once. You're amazing, you beautiful human, you!

You Deserve Everything You're Fighting For

You know during your workout, when you're really pushing yourself and you feel like you might actually die? That happens to me about 3 times a week... easily. I get over and go do it again every single time. I can honestly say I have never regretted a workout. I mean yeah having to use the bathroom sometimes is hard because I'm gonna be honest after leg day, if you can squat to pee, you didn't go hard enough. Like for real. You just didn't. Do better.

There are a lot of things I've learned to see that way. I'm like legitimately scared to death of public speaking. Like it makes me physically ill. Same with horror films. I used to work in a video store (or two... RIP Blockbuster & Hollywood) and I would practically run through the horror section to put back DVDs. Talking to new people about things I'm really passionate about. Same result. I have a fears and they are truly overwhelming. But I've gotten a little more brave over the years. 

It took me 3 tries, but I passed my public speaking class. I have watched horror-lite films and I'm currently considering one more (A Quiet Place... because sign language and John Krasinski.) I reach out to be people I'm unfamiliar with because I know they deserve what I have if they want to really take charge of their health, wellness, and most of all, their life. I share my story because my heart speaks louder than my fears. I flew by myself states over, drove myself around and took on Plano, TX by myself. And you know what I learned? It wasn't as bad as my anxiety brain made it out to be.

I learned that I can accomplish anything if I try. I am stronger than my brain screams and my heart beats. I have learned to give myself grace if it takes me three tries. To shine with pride when I finally accomplish one of the big scary things. I am proud of me for the things I have accomplished. I am proud of me for learning from past mistakes and current flaws and growing into a stronger, healthier, happier version of myself. I have learned that my vulnerability isn't necessarily a shot against me... but just one more brick to my foundation of awesome.

If I let my fears stand in my way I will never find that happiness I look for shooting across the sky every night. I deserve all the things I'm fighting for. From my fit life to my finances. I deserve to not be in debt for the rest of my life. I deserve to be happy in my body. I deserve my blessings. AND SO DO YOU! Don't be your own road block.

Never forget that you are worthy, beautiful human!

OH IT'S JUST MERCURY AGAIN...

Make positive choices daily. That sounds so simple, right? Choose your happy. So why have I woken up with that mindset everyday for two weeks and then something just brings me down? Folks inability to use the vertical pedal. The use of indicator lights incorrectly. Folks all up in your Kool-aid, talking bout some "Oh, Yeah... what are you doing." Other people's impatience and attitudes just rubbing off on you. Crying for no reason. Reflecting yourself into tears. Fighting with your past. Struggling to not go to the bad place. Yeah, see, that's a lot of negativity in my genuinely tryna be happy bubble and it is hard to fight, y'all.

I mean, I'm trying. My nutrition is good, I'm exercising like five times a week, I'm reading to relax, I'm caught up on school work (like...working ahead), even going to sleep at a decent hour. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing that I know are good and well and that "they" say are what keep me happy and healthy and I'm still fighting to not dip. I blame that bitch Mercury. Mercury in retrograde and then that killer PMS leading into it had me feeling some type of way. I'm having arguments with myself, some, just wait till it's over and then see if you still feel this way. It's totally not just you. You got this. Daily pep talks with my grown self just to do the things I'm supposed to do.

Not that I see those pep talks as a bad thing, but dang it, it's hard to keep saying the same thing to yourself everyday and still falling in that slump. I mean, I've never been one to give up. My mama has always assured me that I can get thru anything and eventually I will. It will all work out some way or another. I know, I mean I've seen it happen time and time again and this will be the same but sometimes you just gotta let it out and say, "Okay, this is hard. Universe, gimme a minute to catch up thanks!" It might not actually do anything but it's good to ask for help. It's good to know you're strong enough to know when you're overwhelmed and in over your head. My mama is right, it will be ok. Just breathe in and breathe out and find your patience.

It's usually not as bad at it looks at first. however, it's usually worse than it looks like from the outside peering in so if people don't listen or shut you down, find new people. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. You're doing a fabulous job at life. You're still here it. If you need to vent, I have to ears and two eyes and am happy to listen. Keep on, keeping on, beautiful human!

*👐👐👐👐I really needed that pep talk, thanks self😜*

If you needed it to, don't worry, I got you!

Til Your Cup Runneth Over

I write this blog for my heart but I hope it fills up yours. I want it to hit you all in your feels because that means I did something right. Writing is something I’ve found fills my cup. I found blogging the same way I found yoga… getting out of my own head by getting into it. I needed a way to get all these things that were causing stress and anxiety and worsening depression from burying in my soul. I know not everyone can control those things but I knew I had a chance. I knew I had a reason to try and a reason to live for. And I good put some positive vibes into the world while I was at it. Even without having kids of my own and long before I could, I’ve always been the “mother”. The nurturer. Often times the bossy one because I wanted what was best for those around me. Believe it or not my intuition is pretty on point. I be knowing things... Better ask somebody. Lol. But seriously. My compass may tilt sometimes but I know where True north is and I try to follow that path the best I know how even with a detour here or there.

I’ve said before that helping people is something that has always been on my heart but I never really knew how. Like where do you start? And who do you talk to? How do you help? What do they need? AdvoCare has given me an avenue to help people with their nutritional health. My new group for a fitness community has given me a road to help others with their physical health. My dreams of a yoga studio, that grew from my love of whole self wellness, will hopefully reach others one day as well. And this blog, while helping me mentally and emotionally has given me the opportunity to do that with others around me that I love and adore and maybe some I don’t know yet but surely love also. I may have a habit of loving “too much” but what does that really mean, anyway. It’s not gonna kill me to care about others and if it does, I went out the right way.

Knowing you’re helping others is a big motivator to not give up. Yes, you should know your value. You should know you’re worth it. But some days you need a reminder of just how far you’re reaching. You need to hear that it isn’t for naught. That your contributions are appreciated and validated. I’m sure that’s just us being human but it’s necessary. It’s a silent shout out but seeing that over the past 10 months and over 40 blog posts that so many people have heard my story, have read my word and maybe, just maybe took something away from it makes me so happy. I’m proud of those ripples. They keep me going just in case you were wondering. Thank  you for caring enough to let me care.I appreciate your fuel for the fire in my heart. So what fuels your fire? What’s your motivation to keep going to wherever it is you’re going? How can I support you the way you support me? I’ve learned the best way to help people is to listen to what they need.

Tonight, I’m heading out for what is sure to be an amazing event in VA to fellowship with the ladies of the AdvoCare community for a night. I’m sure I’ll laugh and cry and be inspired and I can’t wait to have my cup overflowing. It's a perfect dose of self care to stoke the fires within. May your night be just as great. Here’s to a perfect #tbt on the radio for my mini road trip. Love you, you beautiful humans!

Safety Isn't Fun Anyway, Right?!

A week ago, I decided to step out of my comfort zone just a tiny tip of my toe more adn share workouts online in a public forum for people to go to and find community and encouragement and strength. Still sharing. Still inviting. But I really fell like it's putting something positive around me. I'm doing something for people to help them to grow. If they want it it's there, if not it's hurting absolutely no one. I had to think about that. It will do no harm at all to share my passion. 

That's a big thing to grasp for me. Sharing my words and my feelings and my journey is scary. It's hard for me to overcome that fear that is so deep inside of me but it's not relevant to the good I can do. It will cause me no harm to speak. I feel like I should know that. Sharing this blog over that past 10 months has been such an experience for me. Getting these words out and realizing I really love being able to write without fear of judgement. I'm so glad to be learning that. To be growing as a human being in my own right.

 I have grown in many ways. Accepting responsibility for things. Accepting myself in ways that I never did before. Not trying to change the things about me that don't need to be changed while understanding why I want to modify others about myself. Accepting that I am I constant work in progress. ever changing. Ever evolving just as this universe is. I can be persistent. I can be consistent. I can give myself grace. And I can continue on. Because that one thing Robert Frost learned about life, I have too. It. Goes. On. 

I'm just here to put some positive ripples out into the ocean. I'm hear to be the best I can be for me and for those on this journey with me. For those I walk beside. I make time for my commitments and my responsibilities but forgive myself for my misdoings. That balancing act of life. I can't let the speed bumps I've hit on my personal journey dictate who I serve in life. I can't let me stand in the way of others personal journeys. But sharing my experiences so others can hear and make their own decisions is important. I might have knowledge they never considered and I'm doing them a  disservice to not share. 

I may not know what you need but maybe you need what I have and I am sorry if I haven't shared it with you before. I have hopes and dreams and opportunities. I have a life-altering path to walk but I would love to walk next to you while we find our way. Let's get to it beautiful human! We have much to do. 

Strong Healthy Happy

Last night, while reading The Fringe Hours... in my fringe hours, the author was talking about making time for you in a community. This has been a big theme in my life as far as my AdvoCare family and it just rang to me that community in your interests is really important for refilling your cup. I have a little with my small group but after the 10 week session each time, there's not really a commitment to keep in touch minus the occasional facebook like or share. I had the same thing when I went to the gym and yes there were a few friendships that grew from that but not a big network of support. Same with Yoga Mondays (that still havent started back, sadly,) a group of like-minded people doing something they love but no long-range connections. I'm the kind of girl with a few close friends. That's how I've always been. Yes, I interact with a wide variety of people and I do care for them it's all on an individual basis.

I have friends who participate in FIA (Females In Action). It's a free, peer-lead, boot-camp style fitness group and it reminds me so much of the type of community I'm imagining. Think about it. It's a group of women, that in itself is a great start. It's peer-lead, which means that you're investing in one another. And it's free, so you know you aren't getting together just from a financial obligation. You're supported for your health and nutrition goals in a positive, encouraging environment. I really do love the idea of that. However, getting to an FIA workout near me, is nearly impossible and as a not-so-outgoing, introvert that's a lot of pressure on my anxiety. 

But after reading, I went searching the interwebs for this style of group (I'm in a few women's encouragement and empowerment groups) for a group that "meets" weekly for their fitness goals to encourage one another and to attack their health goals head on. I didn't find one. And then Jessica Turner, the author, said this, "Start your own group. It is likely that other women in your community are yearning for the same thing you are. Your boldness might be an answer to their prayers." Oh, snap! She just told me to go do the things. Doing the things is scary though. Doesn't she know that. 

Well, guess what? I did the thing. I started a facebook group called Strong Healthy Happy, it's a hashtag I use often in my fitness posts. I loaded up some workouts simple, easy stuff you can do at home to start your fitness journey or to fill in the gaps. A mix of things I do on my own and videos I've tried before. I had my brother look it over to get his input. I sometimes send him my workouts just as encouragement. And with his blessing that I'm not crazy, I decided to share it. I want to focus on a fitness community of women but honestly, everyone could use a little more fit in their life. Nutrition is the hardest part for most but fitness can be the most expensive. I mean you have to eat, right?

If you like it, let me know. If you don't then keep it to yourself... I mean give me ideas for improvement. Sorry if I over used the word community today, I fell asleep watching Community right after reading about community and making a community page... it's a little heavy handed. But you get it. May you have a happy throw back thursday, beautiful humans!

Yeah, this was the last #tbt song I heard this am, and I was jammin', just go with it!

Evolving In The Real World

You know that feeling when everything is just right. You can just feel yourself moving in the right direction. But then you keep looking over your shoulder cause you know this just can't be real. This can't be your normal. Seeing the evolution of your life in real time is hard. Honestly, most people take weeks, months, years to actually be able to look at their lives and realize it's different. It's so much different than it used to be. We often need to do a self check, an inventory if you will and see what things we used to have, see how things used to be and really look at what is now. We still need work towards changing the things we aren't proud of or happy with. But give that grace. Be grateful for for the positive changes. Give yourself a, "I did that," celebration. A gift, a treat, a physical award to hang on your mirror. Just a reminder that you may be a work in progress but look how far you've come.

I know sometimes I get so caught up in how far I still have to go I forget that little bit of advice. I forget to be proud of myself for taking charge and changing the things I can. I get so caught up in the things I can't control that I forget that I have made such positive waves in how I handle the things I actually have control of. I have stepped up out of the uncomfortable in ways I never imagined and have made moves for myself. Often still, I remind myself of things I'm not proud of. Things I know I can do better. The other night, I was on the phone with a friend and I said it out loud. I know I have a tendency to be a bad friend. It's not purposeful. It's not because I don't love my friends. I want each of them to be happy and healthy but I get into a space and I inadvertently disappear. Without warning, without a thought. I'm just in the silence.

I enjoy it there sometimes but I have to remember to pull myself out and function and interact on purpose. I don't know if you know what it's like to be an introvert but that takes like actual work. I have to make myself function enough to sustain "normalcy" sometimes. It's hard. I know those closest to me expect it by now but I still feel bad and I still try to apologize. There are times when I just can't that I will send snail mail just so they know I'm thinking of them. I didn't forget. I still care. I'm still here. There's something so special about getting a card that makes me happy and I want them to feel that too. To know that, that is my way of reaching out. Speaking of, go here and join the list for some snail mail too.

My takeaways for today are just don't be so hard on yourself and how far you have to go when you've already some so far. Take a few minutes to just journal. This is one of my journals obviously, but i have many that I carry around with me. Never know when you might have an epiphany or need a quick therapy session. Get you one today, they're fairly cheap on Amazon and you don't even have to go anywhere. And also, about that rewarding and acknowledging yourself, check this out.

You're amazing. Don't let you tell you different. Self-care is after all, the best care. So continue being the beautiful human that you are. Hold yourself accountable, but throw the confetti when necessary. Be the change.

Work Harder On Yourself Than Anything Else

This title has become a theme in my life lately. So as ou may or may not know, I started working on myself physically in August of 2015 when I did my first AdvoCare 24 day Jumpstart. Since then, I've had a number of mental moments including but not limited to: depression, anxiety, and self deprecation. I've made little adjustments to relieve those incidents. Made changes in my personal life, adjust my finances around, made time here and there for myself, started working out for my sanity, began yoga. So I've put in some hours trying to figure this thing out. But you know what, I still have worked hard enough on myself.

You see, I'm a constant work in progress and will be until the day I stop breathing. Earlier this month, I went to AdvoCare's Success School. It's a huge event with lots of information but one of my favorite parts is the inspiration and motivation that pours into that stadium. It's truly an amazing experience. Work harder on yourself  than anything else was one of my biggest takeaways that weekend. I realized that while I had been working on my physical self , my surrounding environment, and my outside stressors but not once had I worked on me from the inside. I talked about it but I didn't really put in the work.

Shortly after, Success School, I started listening to the "Notes on Success." It's a compilation of messages recorded on various occasions by late AdvoCare Founder, Charles E. Ragus. It's incredible. I've listened to it 4 times in the last two weeks. Yes, it's that powerful. Once again, that phrase appeared. "You have to work harder on you than anything else..." And since I've heard it 4 times now it's really started to make me think. It made me want to really look inside and see what I could do about me. To see what changes I could make inside of me that would release ripples of change, ripples of success, ripples of grace and kindness, into the world around me.

I had made some goals after that trip to Texas and one of them was reading a leadership book every other month. That doesn't sound like much, but I also read for fun so my idea was that I could mix in leadership and fantasy world reading and create balance. I didn't know what kind of book or have an idea of a title but I was gonna do it. Fast forward, to last week and a friend posting about hosting an online book study group on The Fringe Hours, (see my post yesterday), and although it wasn't technically a leadership book it is about making you better by taking care of you. And really taking care of you enables you to be the best leader you can be. I'm so glad I did that. I'm so glad I took that step. I've never done a book study with a anyone so it was something new, but my heart knew it was something important.

I've also noticed the people around me are searching for this too. Seeing something in their life isn't where it should be. Not knowing what it is or where to start fixing it and I think they may be where I am. Needing to look inside and see what to do there. You don't have to post a big blog post like me, this is my therapy. But you can take a small quiet step just for you to make some of those inner changes. Because you can only control what you can control so don't try to do the impossible. We're all in a season and seasons change so getting overwhelmed isn't gonna help. 

I have taken some real steps to becoming my best me by looking at the woman in the mirror, to paraphrase Michael Jackson. I have to be the change I want to see in the world. It's about not giving up on the things I tell myself I'm gonna do for me. Yesterday, I posted a question on facebook asking for some different self love/self empowerment books and I got quite a few suggestions, especially in my inbox. So I created a wishlist on Amazon for myself and you can click on it and explore the titles for yourself. Head's up all the titles are not the most family friendly so just beware if that's something that bothers you. But these were suggestions given to me both faith and non faith based.

I hope you find a gem  Let me know if you found something different to add to the list. Or if this rings at all true to you. Maybe if you just need someone to talk to. I'll do my best, just like I know you will too. Now go out and be happy, little, beautiful humans surrounded in the good vibes you're sending out!

This One's For The Girls...

Sometimes I sit and wonder what in the world I am doing with my life. Some days I'm like yep this, this is where I'm supposed to be. More often than not though, I'm sitting and stressing over what I HAVE to do so I don't disappoint someone else. So I hold myself to what someone else needs or wants me to do rather than take care of myself and say no when I need to say no.

That look of disappointment from a loved one when you know what decision they wanted you to make and you can feel them calling you selfish for choosing to make yourself happy for a second. That letting down friends because you really just don't want to be social. That not choosing to do something that you're expected to do because you really just can't and you want to be there and prove yourself and do all the things but it's gonna be the straw that breaks your back if you add one more piece.

Recently, I joined a group of ladies to start reading the book The Fringe Hours and I am soooo happy I did. Y'all all that disappointment I was talking about and self doubt. Apparently, every woman deals with it. I'm not saying I don't hurt those feels of those people I let down but most of that guilt I feel on the inside is self imposed. I did that. I don't give myself permission to do what I need. I don't give myself permission to venture out and live my own life. I am mean to me. You know what happens when you're mean to you? Everyone else whether inadvertently or not is mean to you too.

That's right, by not giving yourself permission to live your best life you are giving others permission to steal your joy, even if they don't mean to. Stop it. Say to yourself, right now, "I deserve my best life." Because you do. Letting go of things is hard. Moving on is hard. But not doing the best for you will kill you faster than you ever expected. Don't be afraid to stand up for you and your needs. Don't be afraid to be your own advocate.

I'm not saying to turn your back on your loved ones with a "whateva, I do what I want" type of attitude. But whatever you do don't be what's blocking you. Find your best fit. it might not be balanced 50/50. Maybe you're a 70/30 or an 80/20 kind of girl but never forget that if you give your 100% to the world there's nothing left of you. Be the most amazing beautiful human you can be!!

Lucky In Life

I realize more and more how fortunate I was to have a mom who trusted and respected me and allowed me to make decisions for myself growing up. She gave me opportunities for experiences and chances to learn things and accept things that others around me would never receive. I really took it for granted that other people were allowed to live their lives just like I was, but they weren't. Many lived under so much control and missed out on so much.

For that, I just want to tell my mama thank you. When my anxiety strikes and I lash out or shut down. Those days when I don't want to be hugged. Those days when I need too much. You never let me down and I am blessed. No wonder everyone claimed you. You are truly one of a kind and I aspire to be the mother you have been to me, one day.

You're the greatest and Shorty and I are so lucky to get to have you. And I know we don't say it or show it enough but just know that we never forget the fabulous woman who brought us to this Earth. I love you mama!

*proceed with the tears*

A Journey of Growth Isn't One of Comfort

This past weekend I took a big step outside of my comfort zone. I flew halfway a across the country for the second time in 6 months. Except, this time I was "all by myself." It was probably the scariest thing I've done in awhile. It's no secret that I'm a southern country girl. I accept that. So maneuvering airports, especially DFW which is the size of a small town, and renting a car for the first time and driving myself through a big city I know nothing about was nerve racking. But I did it. Each step I was like, "ok, one more step, you got this." And you know what? I did have it.  Yes, I was meeting some amazing people there but I was stepping all out of my bubble. I have a tendency to do what I know. But I committed to this and, well, I was gonna see it through.

I'm so glad I did. I went looking for something. I didn't know what but it was something. See, last summer, when I left Success School, I really thought I had a plan. I had figured out my purpose in life and I was ready. I paid off my first credit card and I was on my way Except it didn't work out that way, and my world crumbled shortly thereafter. I was devastated and depressed again and going through the motions. It was not a fun time to be me. And while I pulled myself back together into a semblance of "got it together adult," I was still a little lost on my future. I was focused on work, and starting back to school (again,) but I had just accepted that it was gonna take me a million years to pay off my debt so I was just gonna not even.

Enter, February 1st. The day of conquering. I did it. I got into that stadium and surrounded by familiar faces and opened up my hearts ears ready to be poured into. And I was. There were 3 big takeaways for me. The first was a story about a young woman who at 27 years old had no children, owned a Saturn and had close to $30,000 worth of debt. At 30, she was living with her mom; she was broke and broken. She was me. She's now 34 and she has an amazing life at her fingertips. She showed me what my past could mean for my future.

The second story was about a young lady who at 21 had everything life could ask for because she worked hard and stayed focused. She had no idea where she was going with it though. She didn't know what set her heart on fire. She knew she could make choices but a life without a purpose as I've discussed before is one you don't hold onto. But you know what she told me? your purpose will surface. Just because I don't have all the answers right now I can work towards it. I won't be lost forever. I'm fixing the roof before it rains. I took that advice and set myself small attainable goals: 1 month, 3 months, 6 months and a year out. Things I could work toward till I found my vision.

The last on, taught me that Rome wasn't built in a day. She made sure I knew that I could change my direction, one degree at a time. I didn't have to put all this pressure on myself to figure it all out yesterday. Setting goals that I can meet will keep me encouraged. So no matter how small that goal may seem, I will celebrate it. As long as I'm headed in the right direction I'm doing just fine. She also said, my direction will change again and that's okay too. I have to change directions more than once to make real progress in my future. Life takes twists and turns all the time and I am fired up to see where this yellow brick road leads. 

I want to thank these ladies. You see, they have no idea who I am today, but one day they will. Cynthia Pena, Lauren Kirshblum, and Kristie McGihon(who I kinda geeked about seeing in the airport lol), thank you for your stories. Thank you for your inspiration. Y'all left a mark on me that I am so grateful for and I look forward to growing just as you did. An Emerald 9 star, a rising star, a hall of famer. Amazing ladies to look up to. This company has given me an opportunity, but the culture of Advocare is love and acceptance to see me where I stand and that is something I can never be too grateful for. And Torrie and Cricket, thank you ladies for cheerleading when I need it but more so for caring when you didn't have to. For showing me this is about relationships and friendships over everything..

We win by helping others win. It's not about me. It's about helping other people, help other people. Truly a one of a kind community. I'm so lucky to have landed here.

New Year, Better Solutions

So the likelihood of sticking to a new year's resolution is a mere 8% chance. Those are horrible odds. But we normally pick resolutions that are great in theory and difficult in execution and have therefore set ourselves up for failure. It's a horrible cycle. I mean it's great that we have hope every year but to disappoint yourself over and over has to cause some sort of self deprecation. Instead of making one big resolution, I've decided to give myself mini challenges.

Challenge one: "No Spend January." I get how ridiculous that sounds but when broken down it's pretty amazing. Every day or so we spend money on things we want and either don't need or can't afford. I know this because that's how I reached such and insurmountable debt. But even without credit cards, A trip to lunch here, or this cure shirt because it was on sale or that cute thing you just wanna try. Little purchases that add up and you don't even realize how much you're really overspending.

You don't have to spend every last drop of your paycheck every month. It's amazing how few people live within their means, let alone below their means. So I've decided to do it. For one month and if it goes well, another. People do no spend years. I'm not there yet, but maybe one day. For now, gas, groceries and bills will be my only expenses. I know I can do this and hopefully learn some tricks to better finances along the way.

Challenge two: "No Weigh Month." As someone who consistently weighs herself everyday at the exact same day, on the same scale that sits in the same place... This one is a hard habit to break actually. I'm 5 days in and it's honestly driving me a bit crazy but I can do this. I'm 1/6th of the WEIGH there after all. I did this so that I could focus my attention on eating right and moving and not just how the scale may have changed each day.

 I enjoy those calculations because it helps to know your body and how different things, exercise, nutrition and hormones can all cause fluctuations but sometimes it's good to just relax and see what happens. Just be in the moment. Something I learned from yoga. To not obsess and just be. I do have things I want to do in this new year that are just challenges. Like break the plateau into ONEderland and do more yoga and murder my debt but these are long term goals that I hope to continue forward with without fail, not just for a new year, new me situation.

I did try something new this year. I'm doing something that I've seen many friends do and that's assign myself a word. Over the last 6 months, I've talked a lot about not being kind to myself. Not giving myself grace. I decided grace should be my word for myself. No just to be kind and forgiving to myself for my actions and thoughts but for those of the people I surround myself with and for those I will meet along my path.

Grace is a tricky one for me as I'm sure it is for most people because even when I feel my heart is kind I know I catch an attitude when I shouldn't. I know I say things out of turn that aren't my business. I know I make judgements unfairly. I know I sometimes hold myself to an unlivable standard. To change these things, I must find grace in every situation that crosses me and I know that will be a challenge but it's one I feel is due my time and attention.

So here's to a new year. To finding the best solutions for me. For finding kindness for myself and those around me. To striving for my best, even when it's difficult. Here's to my best year so far and to yours too. Embrace this chance for a better chapter, beautiful humans!