If I'm Being Honest...

When you know the darkness has already started creeping in but your grasping at anything to stay in the light. It's easy to recall all the things that are screaming depression. The things you once cared about you just don't anymore. Like that's the simplest explanation for me. Like I'm really passionate about health and wellness. I strive to be my best, but when you're sinking in that hole you just fill it with anything, junk food, video games, netflix binge, mindless scrolling, sleep, and one of my favorite escapes, reading. Like those things don't sound like bad things right, I mean maybe relax on the junk mindless scrolling but otherwise those sound like relaxing. But they really are is baseline functioning. 

Functional depression. That's what I call it at least, it's not like I'm a clinician or anything. Like I get up, go to work, interact when I have to, feed my face occasionally, pay my bills, shower sleep. I sound alive and no one is calling an intervention. But I want better than that. I want more. I don't want baseline functioning but all the things that are supposed to help don't. I love journaling, and making lists/plans, exercise and yoga and breathing and self-care. These are all things I do in my daily life but the darkness still creeps in. I still go numb. I still cry for no reason and all the reasons. There has got to be more. There has got to be a better way. 

I know so many friends, family, acquaintances who suffer from depression and or anxiety. Someone has to have an answer. What are your suggestions? What do you do to stand in the sun? I mean, yeah this could come up at that once a year check up where they do a depression and anxiety screening (at my one free checkup a year... the only one I can afford) and maybe I could find clinical relief (maybe) but that check-up is 6 months away and I honestly can't deal with the grey skies and doom and gloom for the next six months. I can't deal with the random outbursts of anger because I'm stressed or the frustration with myself that I am slowing losing control of my body again or the tears I have just driving down the street, or at my desk, or in the bathroom on a Monday.

Bottom line, it's just too much and well everything in America is broken, honestly and only one of which is the healthcare system so I need better suggestions for the now. So dear, beautiful people, help a girl out. Before this is my REALITY...