(insert positive thought here)

Some days are bad. Some are good. Most are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Today was the latter. But it's okay. It's going to be okay. That future I'm fighting for will be mine and I can't let this set back set me back. Today I found out I have no financial aid and that includes for this past summer semester I struggled through. So I dropped the classes I was scheduled for and now I owe back the money for the previous semester. I have no idea where I'm going to get this money. Like at all but I can't let it get to me.

I had a legit freak out this morning. We're not calling it anxiety. We're not owning that. But my blood pressure, y'all, went through the roof. I was simultaneously flushed in the face and pale as a ghost. It was a bad few hours. It drained me physically and I had to actually take a nap at lunch because I just couldn't keep functioning at that level. When I got home I felt a little better and then the dam broke and I had a little pity party and cried it out. It was cathartic and it let me release that tension and let it roll down my cheeks.

No, I'm not just better but I know I'll deal with all that needs to be dealt with in the time it takes to do it. I have to keep fighting for what I want even if the path isn't leading where I thought it should be. I have to do the hard things even when I don't want to. Make the sacrifices when I'd rather wallow in the sadness of the things that get in my way.

it. So it is what it is. I have to let it go and pull myself up from the ick of the day. Focus on what I can control.

I have to be the light in the day because my woes aren't as bad as some others and even if they are, life is about what you put into it. Not just what you get from it. In the words of Maya Angelou, "Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." I let my bad day affect how I reacted in a situation and it really bothered me. So much so that I had to apologize for being insensitive. I didn't think before I released my negativity into the world and possibly added negativity to some one's day.

Here's to a brighter day tomorrow. Finding the peace in the day and some positive light in my life. It's not worth wasting the time on things that do no good. It's not worth carrying those bad vibes around with me. "New year, new me" is quite cliché but tomorrow really is a new day and a new chance at being my best me. Let's do this!

Goodnight you beautiful human ❤

Stickin' And Stayin'

I know I have made some serious strides lately. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I am talking to people. I am sharing my heart and my passion and not letting being ignored or told no get me down. It's really a change for me. I let money and time be an excuse for my not keeping up fitness goals and I let depression be an excuse for my not so healthy eating. I tried not to let it show and be the queen of faking it but it didn't work. People noticed. 

When I was able to see a glimmer of light at the end of that dark tunnel I knew I was gonna have to do hard things. I was going to have to make some changes. I put $50 towards a week of healthy eating equaled one small commitment. A walk on a trail equaled one more small commitment. Midsummer Meltdown challenge was a larger nutritional commitment. A Summer Sweat Camp a larger fitness commitment. Small commitments have gotten bigger. Tiny steps putting one foot in front of the other. 

In all my health wins over the the last two years, I found confidence but I still wasn't happy with my body. I still covered myself. Wearing shapewear everyday was still a serious part of my life's fashion choices. I said I loved me because well, I didn't so much hate me anymore. I knew I had put in work to do better for me so that was obviously an improvement but I wasn't gonna post an everyday picture of me. You know, one of those not so flattering outfits you wore to the grocery store one day. One of those days you just didn't have time or a care to think about what you looked like.

Recently that's changed a little. I didn't notice it until today. So, I lost 50 lbs, we all may or may not know this but it happened. I've changed clothings sizes a little and right now I'm between a large and an extra large but obviously that size doesn't exits. So I bought a pair of jeggings in a large with hopes that they would be closer to that in-between size. They aren't. But that's ok. I'm working hard and eventually they'll fit right. But until that day they are perfectly good pants and as a girl with no money I wear what I have.

Fast forward to me standing in front of the bathroom mirror at work and I noticed all the rolls. Ain't nothing sucked in. You know what, I'm ok with all that. I'm a workin progress but I have consistency on my side. I know how to stick and stay. This journey is about progress not perfection. All the amazing terms I've learned in the Advocare community over the last couple years and now I truly understand them. I know they describe me and my journey and I embrace that.

Life is hard. this journey is hard. But it's worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for and you are too. You are so enough it is unbelievable how enough you are, you beautiful human!

The Good Place

I'm in a really good place. Can you tell? Maybe so. Maybe not. But I feel it. I feel the flutters of happiness in my soul. You might not know how long I have fought with this but it's been a good little while. Years and years up and down on that roller coaster. No, I don't have everything figured out but I have found a purpose and a will to work for the things I truly want. I have the passion to save myself. Like to say that out loud with all the happiness. I'm here to save myself! It has so much fire behind it. From the ashes I have risen.

I think it's about time for that tattoo. I have a few. Two of them have a very serious meaning one is just a symbol of where I was when I was 18 and it was a gift which made it more special. I always looked up to my cousin and I always wanted ink like hers so for her to buy me my first tattoo was pretty amazing. We grew up as sisters only 10 months apart and that bond has always been real even though I totally kicked her behind in high school. I won. I may not play fair but I always win. 😂

https://www.askideas.com/colorful-flying-phoenix-tattoo-design-by-katy-lipscomb/

I'm so glad I decided to start a new tradition for my family. I don't know how long it will go on but, hey, I started this blog with no commitment and well, here we still are, going strong. I have committed to finding some glue for my family. By no means do we always get along. That's not a real thing in any family I don't think but we have always had each other. Might be a little flaky sometimes but we find ourselves back home eventually (even if I have to give out road maps for Christmas). Family has always been important to me so I refuse to give up on them. So I have decided to budget a little of my money each month to have a single family dinner, one single Sunday out of the month. It's not a lot but it's more than we had.

We get out of this world what we put into it and I have committed to giving it my best. Not my former fake it til you make it but my genuine best, as often as possible. I want you to hear sunshine when I speak. I want you to feel my genuine nature and my truth. I want to put out only the best vibes and I want to neutralize the negativity of others. I'm not talking about depression. That's a real problem. A demon in itself and there are a lot of people including myself who have to fight that fight. But walking around being all pessimistic and down about what other people are doing is unnecessary. Focus on what you can control and the only thing you can control is you.

Let's go out and carpe the dang diem! Own the happy and don't live in the sad. We can all do great things we just need a little support now and then. I'm here to support you in any way I can. There's still plenty of time to join the #50GratefulDays group too. Even if you don't wanna join commit to it on your own time. You got this. I believe in you! Have a wonderful evening, you beautiful human!

It's A Good Day To Have A GRATE(ful) Day

We all know it's been a hot minute since I got my sweat on. Tomorrow, I will hopefully start Summer Sweat Camp (https://www.facebook.com/events/114021155865946/). That's 16 workouts by September 2nd. It's not that it's expensive when you break it down but it's a large expense all at once ($120). But I want more.

I need to get some more work done because "endorphins make you happy!" I really wanna commit to the Virtual Pace Series (https://www.virtualpaceseries.com/events/). That's basically an online 5k/10k/Half marathon. Obviously, I'm a 5k kinda girl. (It's been awhile.) But you get a cute medal and it's a really good way to stay committed. You still pay the same thing you would for an in-person 5k just without the community of other runners. Fabulous idea, kinda pricey but I can set my sights on it.

I also want to commit to a #hashtag workout challenge. Like that's not the actual name for it but a big thing for my Advocare loves is setting a workout challenge and using a hashtag to keep you committed and accountable. The most recent is #100daysofthankful. So 100 days is a lot. Like more  than I can even fathom right now. So I want to do an alternative version.

So meet, #50gratefuldays. The object is to 1) get in your set amount of workouts and 2) empower yourself with all the things you are thankful for each workout. I'm thankful for a lot of things but I'd rather just post something positive with every day's workout. Now normally, I wouldn't want to include yoga as a workout. However, this is a positivity challenge: loving yourself, loving your body and loving all the things you're grateful for so it totally counts.

I'm really trying to focus on the positive. I had a friend tell me today that she was really glad to see my positivity back in my life. I had just been thinking how I get less "likes" and less "comments" when I'm in a good place than when I'm in a bad place. People don't seem to acknowledge the good. And there she went proving me wrong. I was truly thankful that she saw it and she said it. She then pointed out that folks tend to dwell on the negative and that is so very true. I have dug deep and to change move that grey cloud that was chillin' over my head.

 Yes, I still have bad days. I still cry and sulk and sometimes eat my feelings but I'm not living in that space and that's the real improvement. I'm so very glad I was able to crawl out of that hole. For a little while or a lotta while, either way for now I'm okay. I'm working on my goals. I'm focusing on dreams and I'm so glad the people around me are noticing. We can all follow this yellow brick road right on to the Land of Oz. 

If you appreciate the positive, I thank you. If you encourage the positive, I thank you. If you stand by me when I'm not so positive, I thank you. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you and I don't even know who you are but you read my jumbled mess and you give me community and support even if you don't know it. 

p.s.

If you wanna join my grateful days challenge(https://www.facebook.com/groups/824700704351631/) working out and/or the grateful part, let's do this. If you need my support, just reach out. I've learned that so many things in life are not easy but commUNITY makes them bearable. I got you, you beautiful human, you! 😊

You're Not Supposed To Be Here

No, this isn't some horror movie. But it's pretty close. I'm somewhere I'm not supposed to be. I have found security in a place I shouldn't be secure. Thank you, Jason Pannell. You hit me with a sack of bricks. I truly shouldn't be safe in the fact that I always survive. That's no way to live. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I survive but that's not all I want for my life. This past weekend gave me so much. Filled me all the way up to my soul. I needed that. I needed to feel that in the most serious sense of the word need. I was drowning. And now? Now I have a hope that I never had before. I have a hope that there can be more. That I can have more than my security. That I can excel in life. That I can feel true happiness of the best kind.

I've hinted to my dreams simply on the surface. Now, I have a vision that I can be so much more than I ever believed. I have a goal for debt freedom thanks to Advocare. I have fitness goals and I'm making mostly great choices for my nutritional needs ;) I have a fire in my heart to help others with the gift that Advocare has given me. Control of my health, wellness, and my finances. That's a gift I have no choice but to share. I was a girl who couldn't breathe just walking up stairs or simply sleeping. I was a girl who couldn't find anything to wear. I was a girl who was drowning in 20 grand worth of credit card debt. I still have work to put in. I'm still not in the best shape I can be but I'm in the best shape I've been since before I was a teenager. I'm not without debt but I'm a girl with a plan. There's so much more to life than I've been living.

This company has fueled my body and my heart. I've set my sights on some pretty large goals. Slaying my debt. Traveling to Philadelphia. Back to Dallas in February. And my heart is set on an all-expense-paid incentive trip to Disney. A little unknown fact when I was 5 years old I was promised a trip to Disney World. When I was 6 years old I lost my daddy and a trip to Disney was suddenly not a real thing. Here we are 23 years later and I'm surrounded by some Disney loving ladies and a Disney loving company and dangit I'm going to Disney. And I will do all this without going into debt. I refuse to be controlled by my debt any longer. It's not fair to the people I love not to know that they have options in life. It's not fair for them to be controlled by things they have the ability to control. We shall lock arms and defeat it.

Life is a process of learning and I learned so much this weekend. I stepped out of my comfort zone and talked to a total stranger for nearly two hours. She was so delightful and she just made it easy and I realized I was nervous for no good reason. I met some pretty awesome people and got to know some people I had met before so much better. I've learned that I can truly redefine my normal. I've learned that being fit isn't as simple as good nutrition and exercise. You need a community and I've found the best community and I'm so blessed. Someone said these people are your tribe. I have a tribe already but theres nothing that says I can't grow my tribe. I can embrace those who have the same goals and mindset I do and I can walk arm in arm with them and accomplish alll I have my heart set on.

Like I said, I have big goals. I have dreams, I have a vision, I have a purpose. I have 70 lbs that control my breathing and cause my body pain. I have ridiculous fears that hold me back from making friends and helping people and I'm hitting that breaking point and I'm releasing the sail. If you're not ready for this ride I truly understand. I've been livin' in limbo for a long, long time and I will love you support you in the best way I know how and when you're ready to take that leap of faith I'll be right there to hold your hand. Positive vibes only. We don't have room for negativity on this ride.

My second favorite quote this weekend, "If that doesn't light your fire, your wood is wet."

Goodnight you beautiful, amazing, people!😍

My Semi-Sweet Morsels

I've had an epiphany. Well, kinda. I have felt a little better lately and I think it is because I'm trying to focus on myself. The trick is to not feel guilty about focusing on myself instead of everyone else. It really is true though, I'm of much more help and much more bearable when I'm not so angsty and emotional. It's not like I'm doing a lot but little things go a long way, especially for me. I stopped biting my nails and now I'm proud of them so I take care not to break them. I took a selfie for the first time in months. I'm even doing my make-up a little. The hair is still in a ponytail but I wouldn't expect that to change anytime soon. I bought real healthy groceries and I ate them. See, little things. And today was a fairly good day all things considered and that positive outlook is something I've been missing. I may have mentioned Colleen Hoover once or twice and here's one more. In her slammed series, among the many amazing things I took from that book, is a thing called "suck & sweet." It's pretty simple, everyday has good and bad parts, but the point is to find the good even amongst  the bad. 

Sweet: I got to sleep in.

Suck: I had to go to the dentist.

Sweet: They were able to fix my crown... for free.

Suck: I had to go to the dentist xD

Sweet: I had a half day at work.

Suck: It was the last half of the day which is the busiest and really who wants to go into work on a beautiful afternoon.

Sweet: My boss is kinda great for letting me come in late.

Suck: I lost hours

Sweet: That same boss complimented my make-up.

Suck: I looked like a raccoon by the end of the day.

Sweet: I got to talk to my little brother.

Suck: I really miss having my little brother nearby and all of our sibling bonding time. He's the greatest.

Sweet: I hit my step goal for the day.

Suck: My step goal is too low.

Sweet: I ate really well today... including the dinner I cooked while at work.

Suck: I was stuck at work because the truck wouldn't start.

Sweet: I was informed a cheaper motor could be used to fix my car.

Suck: My car still isn't fixed.

Sweet: Today was a good day and I managed to get some blogging done.

Suck: I should be doing homework. -_-

Sweet: For today, I'm passing every class.

Suck: It won't be like that for long.

Sweet: I started packing for my trip.

Suck: I need more money for my trip. 

We'll end on a stream of sweet:

I'm thankful for this opportunity to go to Texas. I'm excited for my immediate future. I might not see the long-term but I have invested some time in making my vision board and committing to it. I am working hard everyday to be better than the day before and as you can see I have plenty to be grateful for. I look forward to more semi-sweet days like today.

It's Gonna Be A Good Day

Last Saturday, I woke up super pumped to do all the things. Okay,  not all of them. I just wanted to go workout. It was itching at my skin. I was a druggie who needed a fix. Of Endorphins. You know because Endorphins make you happy... I made an excuse. A plausible excuse but it's because I wanted to put someone else's feelings in front of my own need to take care of me. That's not a reason to do my body bad. Moral of the story: I didn't workout. My actual weekend included a 48 hour cycle of ugly crying and sleeping. It wasn't pleasant and I was so mad at myself for pissing away an entire weekend of my life. This last week at work (y'all I legit typed hell, my subconscious is angry) was utter and complete chaos. Yay birthday week, eh? Straight up skeleton crew and each day it only got worse. Shout out to our Marketer for lunch on Friday, it made for a perfect dinner. i'm going in late on Monday and the struggle is real. Much like the reason I'm going in late. 

Five years ago, I had a root canal and they gave me a temporary filling. They were jerks and I never went back for my crown. Two months ago, that filling finally came out and I had to get it fixed. Maybe  I've been brainwashed but I was determined to stay local and find a dentist and I did. I paid out of pocket to the the filling redone and I got a temporary crown. a month and a half later whilst eating my chicken philly (with horrible service) no more crown. I had an appointment for that Monday so I figured I'd just take care of it there. I did, a few more bucks and new provisional crown. Well, now I'm gun shy and barely eating for 3 days. I finally give in to a damn Reese's miniature and bam! no more crown. Straight bullish. So I have arranged to go back to the dentist early on Monday and lose hours at work. I'm not a fan. However, I leave for Texas on Wednesday so if it's gonna get done, it needs to happen now. 

I'm hella nervous about Texas. Mostly because I have no money and I froze my credit cards a couple months ago and I refuse to unfreeze them. Emergencies be damned. I struggled to buy my ticket, and my plane ticket, and my lodging and a rental car and those last 2 things I'm sharing with 6 other people. I have made lots of sacrifices to get into this room but you know I have a lot of eggs riding in this basket. Eggs of fire, passion, inspiration, and motivation and I refuse to short myself on that. I don't do nearly enough to take care of myself and I sacrificed a whole lot of self love to make this happen. Here's to Texas!! I am a little bummed that I'm gonna be an hour and a half from Colleen Hoover and I won't get to meet her. She seems like the most down-to-Earth person, she's hilarious and an amazing author. Slammed & Point of Retreat & It Ends With Us are my absolute favorites! Go check them out. Plus going to the Bookworm Box would make up for the fact that I can't afford the monthly Bookworm Box. I've decided next year I will be better at this. I will take a vacation. A real one and I will make sure this trip has enough room for Colleen. 

I try not to make commitments I can't keep but I made a commitment to myself last year to make it to this convention and well dammit, here I am packing for Success School, metaphorically, obviously I'm typing right now. I need to go to the Walmart and get some essentials and I really will start packing tonight. I also have homework due and a final due sometime in the next 2 weeks. Busy, busy times ahead. I'm hoping with the calming of the anxiety and trying to put some focus back on my health I will have some more positive things to share. Y'all have no idea how much help writing this blog has been for me. It gives me a voice when I feel like I can't speak up. It tells me somewhere out there someone cares enough to read even if I feel alone. And even if those someones are the ones who tell me that they love me everyday. Something about your anonymity gives me a little boost. So thank you for all you do, big and small. You're amazing.

It's New Day, But It All Feels Old... It's A Good Life, That's What I'm Told

I realized recently that my anxiety is kind of under control. That is to say I'm not gnawing away at body parts. My finger nails are growing back. That doesn't seem like much to a lot of people but I've always been a nail biter. I stopped for a few years but over the last few or so I have obliterated them. I don't have a lifestyle where getting manis and/or pedis is a real thing. You'd be surprised if my hair was not in a ponytail more than two days a week. But a small gesture like hearing t-t-t-tap on the table tells me my life isn't as going as badly as it feels lately.

I'm ok. I'm working hard at bettering myself. I spent a whole 50 bucks on healthy food. $50 of healthy food isn't a lot when you eat 6 times a day but it's a start.  I have put one foot in front of the other. I have committed to a week. I start on Monday... Well I started today but officially on Monday. Somewhere between dentist and work will be all the veggies and protein I can take!

I haven't had a paid vacation in, well ever actually. Next week I get two paid vacation days. It's not exactly a vacation I'm going on. But it's a trip I need. A trip to Success School. I am committing to my goals. I am committing to myself. Success School is an annual AdvoCare event. The largest AdvoCare event.  I expect to laugh and I expect to cry. Genuine people have that effective on me. And genuine people are all the people I have met on this journey. Genuine advocates who care.  I expect to feel a fire in my heart and I'm looking forward to it.

Two weeks from today, Summer Sweat Camp begins and I've been gifted this opportunity. The opportunity to feel like I'm giving me my best. I am going into this with an idea. I have friends who brought FIA to their neck of the woods and they burrowed a dream in my heart. FIA stands for Females in Action. It's a FREE, peer-lead, exercise program. The goal is to get moving with a group of supportive, like-minded friends. It's the greatest idea since sliced bread, IMHO.

I've always had dreams of bettering the world and the community around me. Since finding the AdvoCare community I've really focused that mindset. I want to bring health and wellness to those who cross my path. I have a long-term dream of opening my own yoga studio in the historic district on main street in my hometown because health and wellness aren't just about eating right and exercising. FIA gives me a start at building relationships and my physical health at the same time. And this sweat camp feels like a little fuel to my fire. I can't wait to see what happens.

These are just a few of the thoughts and slivers of the dreams that pass through my mind daily. I actually have a physical vision board on my door. Maybe one day we'll delve into that basket of crazy. Until then, goodnight & good luck... Seriously, whatever you wanna do, best of luck!!

*5 points if you know where that title came from-xoxo*