If I'm Being Honest...

When you know the darkness has already started creeping in but your grasping at anything to stay in the light. It's easy to recall all the things that are screaming depression. The things you once cared about you just don't anymore. Like that's the simplest explanation for me. Like I'm really passionate about health and wellness. I strive to be my best, but when you're sinking in that hole you just fill it with anything, junk food, video games, netflix binge, mindless scrolling, sleep, and one of my favorite escapes, reading. Like those things don't sound like bad things right, I mean maybe relax on the junk mindless scrolling but otherwise those sound like relaxing. But they really are is baseline functioning. 

Functional depression. That's what I call it at least, it's not like I'm a clinician or anything. Like I get up, go to work, interact when I have to, feed my face occasionally, pay my bills, shower sleep. I sound alive and no one is calling an intervention. But I want better than that. I want more. I don't want baseline functioning but all the things that are supposed to help don't. I love journaling, and making lists/plans, exercise and yoga and breathing and self-care. These are all things I do in my daily life but the darkness still creeps in. I still go numb. I still cry for no reason and all the reasons. There has got to be more. There has got to be a better way. 

I know so many friends, family, acquaintances who suffer from depression and or anxiety. Someone has to have an answer. What are your suggestions? What do you do to stand in the sun? I mean, yeah this could come up at that once a year check up where they do a depression and anxiety screening (at my one free checkup a year... the only one I can afford) and maybe I could find clinical relief (maybe) but that check-up is 6 months away and I honestly can't deal with the grey skies and doom and gloom for the next six months. I can't deal with the random outbursts of anger because I'm stressed or the frustration with myself that I am slowing losing control of my body again or the tears I have just driving down the street, or at my desk, or in the bathroom on a Monday.

Bottom line, it's just too much and well everything in America is broken, honestly and only one of which is the healthcare system so I need better suggestions for the now. So dear, beautiful people, help a girl out. Before this is my REALITY... 

I Need A Vacation

Like, I'm so serious. I need a break. I hate that though. That I need a vacation. A vacation shouldn't be this break you need from your everyday life to not eat a bullet. It should be a time you look forward to making unreal memories. Instead, vacation for me is just looking forward to a 40 hours away from work and barely making it through 360 more days of the year. That's depressing in so many ways, yall.

Stop stressing yourself out for 40 hours. Like, it's not worth. Yeah, money is important in our capitalist society. We live here we, can't help it. But you probably don't need as much as you think you do. You just don't so there ain't no reason to kill yourself for the job that is gonna replace you the day after you die from that heart-a-stroke.  I need to learn that lesson myself. I need to practice stress management and double up on self care and it's hard to find balance.

I want a YES life. Yes, I work hard, Yes my bills are paid, Yes, I practice self care, Yes, I can take a minute and just go be. Yes, I can help others around me. But somehow I keep getting suck in an instant gratification mindset. Like knowing I could make little sacrifices now and have big results down the road but when you're taught to live for the moment it's easy to get stuck looking at trees and not the seeing the forest.

We need more yes moments and we need people encouraging us but we also need reminders to keep us on track. Like when you were little and your mom was all no you can't have ice cream before dinner you'll ruin your appetite. Your mom knew ice cream was delicious and she'd love to have a bowl with you, but she also knew you wouldn't be getting the nutrients your body needed. She was guiding you to do better. We need moms. To tell us, "Hey, that sounds great and all but first you gotta do this. Just trust me. " For real, trust her. She knows.

I can admit I need that and admit that I fall short often of listening. I'm vowing to do better though. Because living for the moment like there isn't a tomorrow might leave you in the past. SO yeah, eat the ice cream, but get your veggies too. Enjoy the sun but put on your sunscreen. Treat yourself, but make sure your bills are paid and you put some money in that emergency fund. You legit can't live everyday telling yourself it's your last. You can take risks without sabotaging yourself. Promise.

So go out and get curious. Do the things. But never forget for most of us there is a tomorrow and you don't wanna miss out on it's adventures because you didn't consider them while you were only living once. You're amazing, you beautiful human, you!

You Deserve Everything You're Fighting For

You know during your workout, when you're really pushing yourself and you feel like you might actually die? That happens to me about 3 times a week... easily. I get over and go do it again every single time. I can honestly say I have never regretted a workout. I mean yeah having to use the bathroom sometimes is hard because I'm gonna be honest after leg day, if you can squat to pee, you didn't go hard enough. Like for real. You just didn't. Do better.

There are a lot of things I've learned to see that way. I'm like legitimately scared to death of public speaking. Like it makes me physically ill. Same with horror films. I used to work in a video store (or two... RIP Blockbuster & Hollywood) and I would practically run through the horror section to put back DVDs. Talking to new people about things I'm really passionate about. Same result. I have a fears and they are truly overwhelming. But I've gotten a little more brave over the years. 

It took me 3 tries, but I passed my public speaking class. I have watched horror-lite films and I'm currently considering one more (A Quiet Place... because sign language and John Krasinski.) I reach out to be people I'm unfamiliar with because I know they deserve what I have if they want to really take charge of their health, wellness, and most of all, their life. I share my story because my heart speaks louder than my fears. I flew by myself states over, drove myself around and took on Plano, TX by myself. And you know what I learned? It wasn't as bad as my anxiety brain made it out to be.

I learned that I can accomplish anything if I try. I am stronger than my brain screams and my heart beats. I have learned to give myself grace if it takes me three tries. To shine with pride when I finally accomplish one of the big scary things. I am proud of me for the things I have accomplished. I am proud of me for learning from past mistakes and current flaws and growing into a stronger, healthier, happier version of myself. I have learned that my vulnerability isn't necessarily a shot against me... but just one more brick to my foundation of awesome.

If I let my fears stand in my way I will never find that happiness I look for shooting across the sky every night. I deserve all the things I'm fighting for. From my fit life to my finances. I deserve to not be in debt for the rest of my life. I deserve to be happy in my body. I deserve my blessings. AND SO DO YOU! Don't be your own road block.

Never forget that you are worthy, beautiful human!

OH IT'S JUST MERCURY AGAIN...

Make positive choices daily. That sounds so simple, right? Choose your happy. So why have I woken up with that mindset everyday for two weeks and then something just brings me down? Folks inability to use the vertical pedal. The use of indicator lights incorrectly. Folks all up in your Kool-aid, talking bout some "Oh, Yeah... what are you doing." Other people's impatience and attitudes just rubbing off on you. Crying for no reason. Reflecting yourself into tears. Fighting with your past. Struggling to not go to the bad place. Yeah, see, that's a lot of negativity in my genuinely tryna be happy bubble and it is hard to fight, y'all.

I mean, I'm trying. My nutrition is good, I'm exercising like five times a week, I'm reading to relax, I'm caught up on school work (like...working ahead), even going to sleep at a decent hour. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing that I know are good and well and that "they" say are what keep me happy and healthy and I'm still fighting to not dip. I blame that bitch Mercury. Mercury in retrograde and then that killer PMS leading into it had me feeling some type of way. I'm having arguments with myself, some, just wait till it's over and then see if you still feel this way. It's totally not just you. You got this. Daily pep talks with my grown self just to do the things I'm supposed to do.

Not that I see those pep talks as a bad thing, but dang it, it's hard to keep saying the same thing to yourself everyday and still falling in that slump. I mean, I've never been one to give up. My mama has always assured me that I can get thru anything and eventually I will. It will all work out some way or another. I know, I mean I've seen it happen time and time again and this will be the same but sometimes you just gotta let it out and say, "Okay, this is hard. Universe, gimme a minute to catch up thanks!" It might not actually do anything but it's good to ask for help. It's good to know you're strong enough to know when you're overwhelmed and in over your head. My mama is right, it will be ok. Just breathe in and breathe out and find your patience.

It's usually not as bad at it looks at first. however, it's usually worse than it looks like from the outside peering in so if people don't listen or shut you down, find new people. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life. You're doing a fabulous job at life. You're still here it. If you need to vent, I have to ears and two eyes and am happy to listen. Keep on, keeping on, beautiful human!

*👐👐👐👐I really needed that pep talk, thanks self😜*

If you needed it to, don't worry, I got you!