What Are We Gonna Do Today, Brain?

Change the world?

Change. I have no idea why this theme has been stuck in my life but I guess I just have to roll with it. I guess rolling with it is kinda the only option you have when it comes to changes. Sometimes you plan for them but what are plans even? It's not like they ever seem to work out. I mean don't get me wrong everything always works out just not normally the way you planned it.

Changes scare the living crap out of me and yet subconsciously I've left them subtly and very obviously in all 13 of my posts. I hadn't realized until this very minute. I was looking over things I'd written because once it's out of me I don't really think about it again. Today, though, I decided to skim and I realized I'm stuck on this idea. Sitting here long after work reflecting; I truly believeI'm stuckl on change because I feel so damn lost. Change is the only thing to set me on my path.

Not like choosing a path is particularly easy or anything. It's scary. It's unknown. I'm a fan of safety, security, and stability. Losing the comfort I have in that space it's anxiety-inducing. Y'all know I already have the anxiety. Stress-induced anxiety and it is horrible. But I feel like if I don't find my path soon I'll be lost in the woods forever. See? Now I'm scared of finding my path and the idea that I'll never find it. Spiritually, lost. Emotionally, lost. Physically, lost. Quite often, psychologically, lost.

How does one person get so damn caught up in nothingness. Have myself feeling like Frank Ocean over here. Spirituality will continue to escape. I feel connected to very few things. My emotions stay at 100 always. arguing back and forth with logic. My daily focus is physical, how the hell am I to get my health straight? I fail often but I do wake up everyday and try again. Psychologically, I struggle with the kind of person I am. Like, seriously, am I crazy?

Maybe the Universe is lighting a fire under my booty to get some things done. Survival is great but there has got to be more to life. I want to save people. Not just be Captain Save-a-Ho but actually make a difference in the world. I still have the fantasy of being a mom one day. It's probably not realistic but it's not a dream I'm keen on letting go of. But I often wonder if I have in me what it takes to save the world. Even a small portion of the world. How can I save the world if I can't save myself?

In my opinion I'm not a nice person, I may have mentioned that once or twice. I think I might be socially awkward to a fault. I try so hard I come off as a bitch or I'm so lost in my own world I come off as a bitch. FYI-I'm not actually a bitch. I have ridiculous mood swings that make me super sweet or a demon from the pits of hell and questionable moral history. Not to mention a completely unrealistic view of the world and the people in it. I should probably talk to someone but , hell, why not just blog on the interwebs.

I honestly need to learn to love me. Accept all of me. But where the hell is the guidebook on that? How do you teach you to love you? My friends gave me all the warm and fuzzies and I knew that even though what they were saying made sense I still didn't feel it. I hate that. I wish I saw myself the way others see me. Maybe I don't considering a lot of people find me off-putting I probably wouldn't feel any better. Rephrase: I wish I could see myself the way the people who love me see me.

Maybe I will go find me a self-love book or something and see what happens... it can only go up from here right? Step 1. And go.

Mindset Change is A Major Change

Heads up, I am passing all but one class and that class is English but I'm working diligently to correct it. I am tired so tired but I needed to do some reflection. My mindset is making some changes. I've decided I'm tired of working for people who only care to pad their pockets. My dream job is to bring yoga to all the world and be all zenful and ish but until we get there I really want to focus on service work.

Community service work is a fabulous path to follow but for now I am focused on public service in general. It's no secret that I need stability. Knowing I survived today so I can survive tomorrow is essential in my daily function but I'm obviously not functioning at capacity lately. A leap of faith is necessary. So I've officially changed my major to Human Services. It's exciting and scary. It will take a little longer simply for an Associate degree but I feel like it is a better choice for me where I am right now.

I have had a lot of conversations with myself lately. Those long drives everyday give me time to really discuss life and options with, well me. I want to help people. I want to inspire people. Now, I'm not saying some counseling or social work job is going to change the world but it has the ability to change one persons world. To aid a child in finding something they didn't know they were missing. Possibly leading an adolescent to find themselves. That's where I lost myself. Somewhere in adolescence I learned to dislike myself and I have spent years digging me out of that ditch I threw myself into.

It's horrible to say I did that to myself but it's true. I gave up on me. There were contributing factors but they can hold no blame. By no means am I healed or found either. Step one is identifying the problem and I have been my own worst enemy (Thanks, LIT.) I'm going to try to stop standing in my own way and reminding myself that I'm not this or that. I'm going to make a conscious effort to do better for me. I can't expect others to treat me well if I don't know what it means to treat myself well.

I've also decided to honestly try to put one foot in front of the other and focus on my health. It's no secret a have fallen of that wagon once or twice... thrice. But as Advocare has taught me it's about progress, there isn't a thing in this world that is perfect. Now we will celebrate the wins that are happening that allow me to appreciate this moment to continue on my journey.

First, I made it through a month and a half of school and I'm kind of passing. I have paid my bills for a month without over-drafting my account or getting a late fee. I have been blessed with a vehicle to drive, even if it isn't mine and it requires it's on personal oil tanker. I am surviving. I haven't needed a moment to go to the bathroom and cry at work in a few weeks. And the tears I did cry were necessary tears of grief. These are the stars in my sky right now.

I'm setting a small health goal for myself in the next 30 days. I will commit to a workout regimen before the 30 days passes. I will also promise to take my supplements and eat clean as part of the Summer Slim Down group challenge some of my Advocare loves are partaking in. It's a promise to myself but keep a look out to make sure I don't dive in on some donuts or lazily sleep in on workout day. See more below...

Summer Slim Down:

Workout Plan:

I Wish I Was Beautiful

My nickname is Beautiful. Literally, the word Beautiful. I'm called beautiful everyday and I'm so lucky to have that. More often than not I don't feel like I live up to that name though. I feel unlovable even if logic tells me I'm very loved. I feel like I'm not good enough. Never feeling like I truly have someone to turn too. It's not that I don't have friends but I still feel empty. There are days when I just need to be held and I can't seem to get that

I'm not a hugger. That's just not a thing. Touch is very intimate to me and to hug me is to reach inside my body and feel my heart 💓 It gives me a sense of warmth, security, and comfort so when random people hug me it makes me feel uncomfortable because there are very few people who know me well enough to have that honor of touching my heart. I don't know when I built that wall but I appreciate that it's there.

There are days when I don't know what's wrong and I just need something and I never feel like I find it. I go for so long searching for something that can't be found. A weight, a hairstyle, a dream, an amount of money... There's a void that I simply can't fill. I have said out loud in moments of true transparency that I don't have a future. I don't see it. So much so that it just doesn't exist. I simply stay alive and go through the motions until one day I'm not alive anymore.

I'm always "working towards something" but I never actually reach it. It's as though my heart isn't really in it. I'm just distracting myself from my nothingness. So maybe it's not that I wish I was beautiful it's that I wish I was full of life and love and all the things that are beautiful.

I feel the darkness creeping in. I feel the negativity surrounding me and I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight it. 

Sometimes Your Mind Is Changed For You

So the other day I had every intention of writing about religion. Something struck a cord in me and it irked me and I wanted to write about spirituality and religion. And now it's gone. Oh well, maybe I shall find my spiritual voice some other day.

I got back a grade on the first paper I'd written in over a decade. You know what I learned. I'm a shitty writer. Yeah, I've wrote pages and paragraphs up here for my enjoyment, for my escape but in the academic world, I suck. I have just recently admitted to people that I really enjoy writing, including this particular teacher.My feedback wasn't available until today but maybe that's a good thing. It kind of made me want to completely give up.

I'm already failing biology (which I'm supposed to be working on about 300 questions right now due in less than 3 hours.) but I suck at that too. I've been staring at the same 50 questions for 2 hours. I've been failing English but not based on my writing skills, based on my lack of time. I'm failing like 3 classes. I've basically decided I'm not good enough for this. There are a lot of things I'm not good enough for but who's counting.

Reading that feedback had me in tears. It reiterated just how much I am not cut out for this. I already started to realize I'm not cut out for a 4-year college. I'm making moves to change my major to something a typical nearly-30 year old would do. I'm overworked and under paid already. Might as well make changes for do service work over a job that's only focused on making the rich richer.

I am still just as lost as I was 2 years ago and you know what? It still hurts like hell. My life is passing faster each day and I really don't know if I'll ever find happiness and contentment or excitement and adventure. The highlight of my life right now is trying to get my decade old Saturn fixed because that's the only thing I really have that's mine.

I can feel the depression creeping back in. I'm fighting but I'll be damned if that bitch ain't fighting back. There is just too much going on and it's all out of control. I need to take a step back. I need to find myself. I need to love myself again. I'm letting myself go and it's making me feel so worthless. I need some control back in my life.

You Only Feel Loss Because You Have Felt Love

Roller coasters are fun. But only at theme parks. Roller coasters in life. Not so much. It's safe to say these last couple of weeks have been absolutely sickening on the tracks. It isn't news that I've been exhausted at all. Like, that's where this blog came from. But watching my best friend lose her love and then losing my grandpa. Yeah my emotional bank has been spent.

I've seen my mama lose two loves of her life, I've watched her lose her mother. And now we share the experience of losing our fathers. I knew it was coming. My grandpa turned 91 and was admitted to the hospital that very same day. I remember seeing a statistic about the elderly dying around the time of their birth. It sounds a little mystical that a cycle of life ending near the anniversary of your birth.

I've also noticed that people tend to prepare themselves to leave this world and to end their era. They talk about old times. Tie up loose ends. Make it a point to see the ones they love one last time. All the signs were there. At 91, he was tired and he was ready to be with his Myrt. I totally understand that.

When I got the call that he had, had a massive heart attack and they were calling in the family I was mad. Like quick, fast and in a hurry. I was mad that I had to feel so much loss in my life. I was mad that my Mema wasn't here. Then I was and at myself because she should ever have to feel that loss of a husband. She suffered enough even though I truly feel she had a full life. Mostly I was mad that my mama had to feel this pain of loss one more time.

It's not fair but you know loss is never fair. It's just a part of life that we have to go through. Logic is in my mind but emotion often wins. I can know all the things and still feel the betrayal of the universe. That things keep going. There are still bills to be paid and work to be done. Hell, I have a midterm due right now. Honestly though, those things can wait right now. I promise they'll be there tomorrow and if they aren't, a new adventure will begin.

I keep being reminded that life is too short to not enjoy every minute of it. I also get reminded that family is family and you should be there for one another. That second one I'm struggling with a little. I've always been about family first and foremost but we're all adults and getting older by the second and there are people I see who grew from the same cells I did acting a straight fool and getting away with it.

I know in my heart I have to love them. But liking them isn't a requirement. In fact, learning that life is too short is how I learned that some things are truly worth letting go. Not kicking beneath your shoe per se but not exploiting your emotions for. That will hurt you more than it will help them and sometimes you is who you have to focus on.

I walked in a cemetery today. One I have spent a lot of time in. When I was little I knew where one grave site was. It was near a tree as soon as you pulled in and it is where my daddy was laid to rest when I was 6 years old. Over the next two decades I have watched many people I love and care about move into that same cemetery. It's a sad fact to realize but it is what it is. So I will give what I can of my love and my heart. But I will not put myself in one of those graves (figuratively speaking, I have every intention of being cremated and planted with a tree. I decided that a long time ago just FYI.)

In memory of my pa♡

the giver of my hoarding genes and these ridiculously thick eyebrows 

**note to self--go take out an insurance policy. I will not leave my family my ridiculous debt.**

Ain't No Changing You

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that your personality is yours and you probably aren't changing these facts about yourself. It's hard to realize that some people love you through these things and some people even love you for them. I know so many people struggle with self love, self esteem, self confidence, and self care. I'm all of those people like twice a day. But you know what I know? I can't change me. Like intrinsically, I am who I have always been.

The scary part of that is that I don't know me through and through. In fact, I don't know a single person who knows themselves through and through. I don't care what they say. The depths of your mind and the depths of your soul are more than 20,00 leagues that you will never reach the bottom of. And yet somehow those damn negative thoughts that plague you always seem to surface. Petulant little buoys that they are.

You know what else, there isn't a damn person on this planet who loves every single thing that they do know about themselves. That person would probably be a psycho. But there is a since of peace in accepting the things you know to be true about you. So I totally have not accomplished that but I feel as though I've seen it. Granted you are not superman so you don't have x-ray vision. Who knows what's behind those four walls. At least an appearance of peace is much more appealing than whatever it is I have going on.

So how does one reach that level? Yeah, no, I don't know. I was asking you. I might not know how to reach it but I do know that I am focused on it and to get where you're going you have to know it's out there. It's out there. I already told you that. How to get there? Follow the north star I guess. Take some lefts and some rights and eventually, possibly divine intervention you shall reach that inner peace.

All jokes aside. I don't like me... Like more often than not. But I do love me. I am not without a hope of something better. I am not without a drive to be a better, more likable person. I have some semblance of spirituality. That is a topic for another time but let's just say I'm not morally bankrupt. There are tons of explorations to be done inside me but much like this blog I'm a work in progress. The goal is to be able to sleep at night and not be bombarded by the monsters in my subconscious.

I might not be able to change me but I can find those deep parts of me that have yet to be found and know that the good outweighs the bad and at least I am loved. It's a journey, don't stop believin'.

--Okay that was corny... But I'm just a small-town girl...

I'm Too Clumsy For This Tightrope Act

Balance is a concept I haven't quite mastered. Work takes up a lot of time. Plus, it's not like it's close by. Going back to school is something I'm starting to regret. For real, 3 summer classes, what the hell was I thinking. My days run out of hours. What is showering? Or sleeping? What food?

These are things that should be built into your day, right? Yeah no, these are things I have make time for... or starve. I've done that a lot lately. Not like, third-world country starvation but the hunger where my body knows this isn't normal and begins to cause an unnecessary amount of pain. Starvation mode where you gain weight even if you're barely eating fruits and veggies. I mean I might be a tad dramatic right now but it's because I'm hungry, as we speak.

 I'm also supposed to be doing biology homework as we speak but that's another one of those balancing acts I'm failing at. Writing like this has eased my stress. It's taken some of the pain out of my body. So, I'm not doing well at my job, or at school, or at basic human functioning but on the flip side I'm not losing my sanity. Not the way I was. I have only cried 3 days this week. That's the most legitimate proof of improvement I have right now.

 I've resigned myself to the understanding that a C in all my classes will be good enough for me. Now to just maintain said C. Queue the Dubstep and let the assignments begin, eh? Yes, Dubstep is the only way I manage to zone out of reality and into my assignments enough to focus. I learned that with degree numero uno. Otherwise, bills and y chromosomes and Facebook tear you all the way away from what you really should be doing.

You know what else I'm failing at? Friendships. Do you know how hard it is to main old friendships. Definitely new friendships. And you expect to make new new friends. BAHAHA. How does one even? Not that I've ever been good at maintaining friendships. I'm an introvert and I get lost in my own little world. Conversations all in my head. The amount of time I spent alone growing up would probably have most people laughing.

I'm awkward. I have resting bitch face. I have a bad habit of saying things that don't need to be said. These are the reasons new friends are nearly impossible. I realize I have no time for socializing but sometimes it's necessary and sometimes it would be nice. I've always noticed the happiest of people are usually genuine and successful at making friends because people want to be around them. I want to be around them. I want to be one of the happy people too.

Happiness is totally attainable and it doesn't necessarily take becoming one of those people to find it. It does, however, take balance. Finding peace. I set a reminder 3 days ago to do yoga daily you know how many times I've done yoga? Zero. I don't consider myself a failure for that though. I'm still just chillin on the tightrope. I'll figure it out.

One day I'll figure out all the things. Probably not today but maybe I'll surprise myself. Until then the goal is to simply not fall off. And survival is kinda my thing. You need a pep talk too? We got this. Trust me. This struggle can't last forever.

Say I Love You

Hold on tight to those you love. You never know when you might not be able to again.

When I was little I thought I was the most unlucky girl in the world. My dad died when I was 6. At 33, my mom lost the love of her life. I would never have a dad to walk me down the aisle. No father daughter dances in my future. My kids wouldn't know their grandpa. I was full of sadness and hopeless. As I got older, I resigned to the idea that at least my brother could walk me down the aisle and my kids will have the most amazing grandma and Mema ever.

When I was 10, My mama met the second love of her life. A couple years later, they were married and I was a preteen and bless his heart I was not having it. I know I wasted many years being stubborn but through that all I knew he loved me. I was his daughter. That was his truth. I would forever be his daughter. And when I had to say goodbye to my most perfect Mema and lost her battle with cancer, my mama lost her mama and he was the best rock she could've ever leaned on. I was so grateful she had a second chance at love.

He walked me down the aisle. We had our father daughter dance. We made memories as a family and we had the best of times. No matter what he was there. Whether it was to help fix my car, or take out money from his retirement for em to go to school, or buying me a graduation tattoo. He wen't to my both my high school and college graduations. There was no doubt in my mind that he was proud of me and that is one of the greatest feelings.

At 27, my second dad lost his battle with ILD. I had looked up the prognosis of interstitial lung disease the summer he got diagnosed. I knew 2 years was probably all we had. I spent more time because I knew I was running out. I had gotten the chance to tell my Mema goodbye and I loved her and I knew how valuable those moments were. I told my stepdad I loved him only twice but I meant it from the depths of my soul. He was the best dad he didn't have to be and I was so lucky. I still cry and I still get mad that he isn't here. Now my kids have neither grandpa or an amazing Mema. I have pictures and stories but it's not the same.

Yesterday, my best friend of 10 years lost her other half. Half a lifetime to find each other and it's whisked away in no time at all. I always feared losing my significant other early like my mom lost my dad. But I have the biggest of hope monsters and the optimism that, that can't just happen. I know it does but denial is a real thing. And then it happens to your best friend, your tattoo twin and you can't do anything to alleviate their pain. It's not fair.

That hour glass is fading so fast. Don't get so caught up in the things that don't actually matter. Remember to talk to your grandparents and tell them you love them. Call your mama, she really wants to talk to you. Don't underestimate the quality time that is beer and a game of pool with your dad. Your brother doesn't live so far away that you can't send a text message. Aunts, uncles and cousins don't just exist on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And if you find true love, make sure they know how much you love doing life with them. Don't spend all your time arguing. You miss out on the beauties of life.

Never give up on finding happiness and remember to take the ones you love on the journey with you!

D.B.A.D.

So yesterday, I saw a post about body shaming. Not what you would first think I'm sure. It was a “joke” regarding a woman's figure and a comparison to a 12 year old boy. I know, I'm not skinny or flat-chested by any means, but I can see why someone would easily be offended by this. It's not that you can't have an opinion it's that you're ignorant to the feelings of others and how your words can affect them.

This was a person I love as family and normally I would avoid calling them out but I couldn't this time. It needed to be addressed. Well, regardless of my good intentions my comments got deleted and I realized people will never change their opinions until they feel obligated to try. That is hard. To come to terms with the fact that you might need to take off the rose-colored glasses.

Ignorance has got to be the most blissful of feelings. To go unknowing of negativity or having to feel no guilt about the things you put others through. I mean, I don't know that feeling but in theory it sounds peaceful. What do you do when someone jars your ignorance with reality?

Most people deny, deny, deny. Denial is the simplest way to not have to face your truths that the world isn't always sunshine and rainbows. Maybe avoid the fact that you broke rule number one: “Don't be a dick.” Inevitably, you'll probably be a dick. You stated your opinion because you felt it was the one true opinion but take a step back. Yeah, I know it isn't ideal. It's uncomfortable to consider how others might be affected. But do it anyway.

Feel that? That's that realization that you probably offended someone and they rightfully got upset? If you don't think they had any right to get upset you probably didn't walk far enough in their shoes. Straighten your moral compass and try again.

Now that we've gotten there try to actively admit you were wrong. It's okay to be wrong. Ain't nobdy on this planet perfect. Not a single one. We all make mistakes. We all step on toes but you know what separates folks? The ability to give a sincere apology for being a dick. Yep, that's right. Say you're sorry. Now, was that really so hard? No, no it wasn't. Now you feel better. They feel better. We've put some positive vibes and good karma out into the Universe. Way to be a stand-up guy… or girl or whatever you identify as.

You did it! Now lets have some calorie-free celebration cake.  

Purpose & Passion

“TO HAVE PASSION, TO HAVE A DREAM, TO HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE.” -DEEPAK CHOPRA

ALWAYS REMEMBER TO FALL ASLEEP WITH A DREAM AND WAKE UP WITH A PURPOSE.

You know there are a few quotes in life that make me all warm and fuzzy but these two really radiate in me. I may seem lost like 97.768% percent of the time and well, that's kind of accurate.  But knowing I have dreams (even if I don't always know what they are) and passion in life gives me a purpose for living.

You know that psych test that I scored a 21/27. I “missed” 6 points because I don't want to harm myself. I may have the most hopeless of days but harming myself will solve nothing. If anything it'll make me more of a burden to the people I work so hard to take care of. Having a purpose in life is probably the only thing that keeps me from completely losing it.

Passion while sometimes heartbreaking is what makes me continue to push and push. A passion to help others in any way I can and in the best way I can. My passion-fueled dream is to bring peace and happiness to people. even if I only reach one person I’ve done something right in this world.

I often wonder how I can manage to be so passionate, so compassionate and optimistic and the most saddening depressing human all in one body. Growing up I often believed that something must be wrong with me because that just wasn’t normal. Well, it might not be normal but I’ve come to accept this facts about myself While I strive to grow from the complainer who cries at the most random of times I know that I am true to my heart. Broken-hearted, hot-mess, and all.

So hold on to your crazy and embrace the fabulous parts of you. That’s my life lesson for today. Because driving down the highway crying my eyes out because I’m exhausted and hangry is only the tip of the iceberg of all the fabulous things deep below.

Perception Is Everything

Have you noticed life is a little bit stressful? And without a doubt our stresses vibrate out through our demeanor. We're all human; it happens. You honestly never really know what the person next to you is going through. You don't know what it looks like behind there four walls and yet we always judge someone for a perceived bad attitude.

Today I read someone question a persons job status because they weren't super duper perky on the phone. I know for a fact that when you're answering a new call every two seconds or you just sprinted across the office because you're short staffed to answer a phone you sound horrible on the phone. But best believe if you hadn't answered that phone someone would be calling and yelling at you over that. You just can't win with people. If your service is bad in a restaurant, try asking the waitress if she's okay. Maybe she can't pay her rent or her kid is sick at home maybe her dog died. There are a number of reasons why someone might not be as chipper or as on point as you think they should be.

People may seem like they complain too much. People may seem like they're upset for no reason. You don't have to walk in their shoes. You don't have to experience what goes on in the mind of another. I know when we're caught up in our own stuff thinking about another persons problems probably isn't how you feel like spending your day. Although, if you have a moment to breathe and step back and think just try to remember people usually aren't negative for no reason. Have a little compassion.

Always remember Colleen Hoover's number one rule, don't be a dick.

Life Ain't Always Easy

Life ain't always easy. Like ever. Life ain't always pretty either. Life is a constant roller coaster it seems. But today, today is challenge day. I love challenges because they're a reset for your body. I have not treated my gut right these last couple months so it's nice to know that I have the opportunity to give my tummy a tuneup. 24 days. A reboot for the fourth. Which is better known as my 29th birthday. Yeah age is coming with a vengeance.

In preparation yesterday, I made it to the grocery store with a meal plan in mind and everything. I cooked chicken in the crock-pot while I caught up on some homework. My products were wet-up I had a plan. Last night, I went to bed and it was one of those nights where sleeping wasn't a real thing. I took some melatonin thinking that might help and I was wrong. I still didn't sleep and this morning I was groggy and couldn't make myself get up. So here I am, just like old time, running out the door way too late. I managed to grab some of my food and pop a probiotic before I left home. I looked a hot mess but at least I managed clean clothes and brushed teeth.

Get to work only 2 minutes behind schedule. Not so bad considering my track record in life. But my boss had been out all week last week so our morning meeting was long. Then I had to come to terms with all the things I’ve been unable to accomplish in the last week or so. Folder on folder of just things that needed dire attention. You know that meme that says life is like riding a bike except the bike is on fire and you’re on fire and well, everything is on fire. That’s basically my job Monday to Friday every week.

Thankfully at about 10 I was able to chug some water and fiber and spark it up. Followed by a yummy protein shake because who has time for eating around here. At one point I found a banana to curb the hunger a couple hours later. Come lunch time and the hell breaketh lose once more. I swear I answered phone calls one after the other for 30 minutes straight. I got lunch around 3:30. Like supper time. And I’m a slacker because I decided to write whilst sipping soup because honestly if I didn’t I’d spend the last hour at work crying tears I couldn’t stop.

Fun fact: today hasn’t even been a bad day or a hard day… It’s just on fire. But what’s new. I will stay late and work hard and manage to scarf a sandwich and and keep on keeping on. I’ll take my night time regimen. Shower(maybe even some shower yoga) and pass the hell out.

You know what though? I’ll wake up tomorrow. I will do it all over again. Hopefully with less fire. That fire is just all kinds of extra. I’m so glad I learned those three things about life from Robert Frost. It goes on. No matter what the world keeps spinning Everything in life requires persistence and perfection is a ridiculous goal that will never be reached. So do what you can with what you have.

Always Stay Humble and Kind

I've heard a lot of negativity about direct sales. Some from random people, some from people I care about. You know what I've learned? It doesn't matter. As far as my personal journey in direct sales I have had an amazing experience. I love my Advocare friends. They're kind of wonderful. Wanna know what's different? They are genuine caring people.

When is comes to a wellness company, you aren't selling vitamins out of the trunk of your car. You don't have cute leggings or fabulous make up. You have your heart. You have hope. You have passion. Advocare especially is a company built on hopes and dreams. You know how you sell hopes and dreams to people? You care, you make friends, you love one another and you support those friends no matter where they are in their journey. That has to be the most powerful lesson I've learned so far.

When you truly care about people and their goals and you make true lasting friendships your life becomes so much more fulfilled. Having other people love you and support you makes growing as a person so much easier. Yeah, I've lost a good 50lbs on this journey but I would never have accomplished that if I didn't have the supportive community of Advocare and for that I am truly grateful.

An advofriend called me just to check in the other day and that made my entire day. Not that I was needing someone to talk to per se but that someone thought of me and just wanted to see how I was doing. I don't know if she knows how much I admire her but I truly do. When I imagine the type of person I aspire to be he caring personality and her glow truly come to mind every time.

During that phone call we discussed negative thoughts and she quoted a statistic that rang so true in my head. 80% of our thoughts are negative. If they aren't negative they're usually neutral. 

We don't seem to realize how that negativity affects us day in and day out. Mindset is everything. So I decided to take a moment to day and write about some things I am grateful for. Because the best way to offset that negative mindset is to remind yourself of the positive things in life.

Transparency Isn't Always Happy

I am stressed all the way out. Beyond any ability of grasping. It's not just I didn't finish my homework stress. It's I seriously have no idea what I'm doing ever at all (of life.) I'm in a constant state of wingin' it. In a constant fight for survival.

I could tell you that I don't have enough income to cover all my expenses but you can see that from the 3 overdrafts in the last 2 weeks and the fact that I don't eat nearly enough because I can't afford too. Honestly, I'd rather eat limited calories than fuel my body with the junk they put in food the "less fortunate" can afford. It's basically poison. I have enough emotional poison I don't need to poison me physically.

I barely finished 75% of my home work so far because I took too many classes. (Not that I could help it because I wouldn't be able to go to school without enough credit hours to qualify for a student loan. I don't know what financial aid looks like as I haven't had it in over a decade.) But you can see that I'm overwhelmed by just looking at my failing grades.

My desk at work overflows with tasks upon tasks. I'm not neglecting them but there truly aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done the way it's supposed to be done. I've actually given up my sanity purposefully some days to take care of things. You can see the exasperation pool in my eyes as tears I can't let fall. Or from the bags that sit beneath my eyes indefinitely. Hidden only by the fake smile I'm forced to wear.

I feel like a failure of nature. My inability to procreate combined with my inability to control my health. I'm coming to terms with the first because as you can see I'm in no place to care for a tiny human even if I could. My health though, that one is a thorn in my spine. I admit I'm not nearly as active as I was in months past but stress has been the worst road block in my life and it's spurned on by the lack of productive hours in a day.

I don't sleep well. It's just isn't a thing. yeah, there are days when the exhaustion puts me in a coma, but generally my sleep consists of tossing and turning and nightmares and nothing resembling rest.

Per an internet-based questionnaire I took earlier this week, I'm severely depressed. A good 21/27. I would've never referred to myself as depressed. Retrospectively, at least not until a couple months ago. Seeing it blatantly displayed on my phone screen was a gut-punch. I even had to say it aloud. "I have depression." That took a ridiculous effort. My friend asked what I was gonna do with that information. I said, "The only thing I can do, keep it truckin'." I know that wasn't a solution or the best answer but it's the only one I had.

Don't get me wrong, I know I'm blessed.(Don't get caught up in the meaning of that word either it's subjective but that's the term we're going with.)

I am a lucky girl. I do survive. It's kind of my superpower. I have amazing, supportive, caring friends. Most of all, I have a mama you all should envy me for (Don't worry, I know you all claim her.) I manage to "succeed" at just about anything I attempt and I'm more than aware that a lot of people can't say that. But that doesn't stop depression. Logic doesn't supersede mental illness/wellness. I am truly trying to be productive in life. I'm trying to do more than survive but only time will tell.

This may come as a surprise maybe not. I always thought I was good at faking it. I've come to learn that faking it catches up with you more often than not.