Change the world?
Change. I have no idea why this theme has been stuck in my life but I guess I just have to roll with it. I guess rolling with it is kinda the only option you have when it comes to changes. Sometimes you plan for them but what are plans even? It's not like they ever seem to work out. I mean don't get me wrong everything always works out just not normally the way you planned it.
Changes scare the living crap out of me and yet subconsciously I've left them subtly and very obviously in all 13 of my posts. I hadn't realized until this very minute. I was looking over things I'd written because once it's out of me I don't really think about it again. Today, though, I decided to skim and I realized I'm stuck on this idea. Sitting here long after work reflecting; I truly believeI'm stuckl on change because I feel so damn lost. Change is the only thing to set me on my path.
Not like choosing a path is particularly easy or anything. It's scary. It's unknown. I'm a fan of safety, security, and stability. Losing the comfort I have in that space it's anxiety-inducing. Y'all know I already have the anxiety. Stress-induced anxiety and it is horrible. But I feel like if I don't find my path soon I'll be lost in the woods forever. See? Now I'm scared of finding my path and the idea that I'll never find it. Spiritually, lost. Emotionally, lost. Physically, lost. Quite often, psychologically, lost.
How does one person get so damn caught up in nothingness. Have myself feeling like Frank Ocean over here. Spirituality will continue to escape. I feel connected to very few things. My emotions stay at 100 always. arguing back and forth with logic. My daily focus is physical, how the hell am I to get my health straight? I fail often but I do wake up everyday and try again. Psychologically, I struggle with the kind of person I am. Like, seriously, am I crazy?
Maybe the Universe is lighting a fire under my booty to get some things done. Survival is great but there has got to be more to life. I want to save people. Not just be Captain Save-a-Ho but actually make a difference in the world. I still have the fantasy of being a mom one day. It's probably not realistic but it's not a dream I'm keen on letting go of. But I often wonder if I have in me what it takes to save the world. Even a small portion of the world. How can I save the world if I can't save myself?
In my opinion I'm not a nice person, I may have mentioned that once or twice. I think I might be socially awkward to a fault. I try so hard I come off as a bitch or I'm so lost in my own world I come off as a bitch. FYI-I'm not actually a bitch. I have ridiculous mood swings that make me super sweet or a demon from the pits of hell and questionable moral history. Not to mention a completely unrealistic view of the world and the people in it. I should probably talk to someone but , hell, why not just blog on the interwebs.
I honestly need to learn to love me. Accept all of me. But where the hell is the guidebook on that? How do you teach you to love you? My friends gave me all the warm and fuzzies and I knew that even though what they were saying made sense I still didn't feel it. I hate that. I wish I saw myself the way others see me. Maybe I don't considering a lot of people find me off-putting I probably wouldn't feel any better. Rephrase: I wish I could see myself the way the people who love me see me.
Maybe I will go find me a self-love book or something and see what happens... it can only go up from here right? Step 1. And go.
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