Balance is a concept I haven't quite mastered. Work takes up a lot of time. Plus, it's not like it's close by. Going back to school is something I'm starting to regret. For real, 3 summer classes, what the hell was I thinking. My days run out of hours. What is showering? Or sleeping? What food?
These are things that should be built into your day, right? Yeah no, these are things I have make time for... or starve. I've done that a lot lately. Not like, third-world country starvation but the hunger where my body knows this isn't normal and begins to cause an unnecessary amount of pain. Starvation mode where you gain weight even if you're barely eating fruits and veggies. I mean I might be a tad dramatic right now but it's because I'm hungry, as we speak.
I'm also supposed to be doing biology homework as we speak but that's another one of those balancing acts I'm failing at. Writing like this has eased my stress. It's taken some of the pain out of my body. So, I'm not doing well at my job, or at school, or at basic human functioning but on the flip side I'm not losing my sanity. Not the way I was. I have only cried 3 days this week. That's the most legitimate proof of improvement I have right now.
I've resigned myself to the understanding that a C in all my classes will be good enough for me. Now to just maintain said C. Queue the Dubstep and let the assignments begin, eh? Yes, Dubstep is the only way I manage to zone out of reality and into my assignments enough to focus. I learned that with degree numero uno. Otherwise, bills and y chromosomes and Facebook tear you all the way away from what you really should be doing.
You know what else I'm failing at? Friendships. Do you know how hard it is to main old friendships. Definitely new friendships. And you expect to make new new friends. BAHAHA. How does one even? Not that I've ever been good at maintaining friendships. I'm an introvert and I get lost in my own little world. Conversations all in my head. The amount of time I spent alone growing up would probably have most people laughing.
I'm awkward. I have resting bitch face. I have a bad habit of saying things that don't need to be said. These are the reasons new friends are nearly impossible. I realize I have no time for socializing but sometimes it's necessary and sometimes it would be nice. I've always noticed the happiest of people are usually genuine and successful at making friends because people want to be around them. I want to be around them. I want to be one of the happy people too.
Happiness is totally attainable and it doesn't necessarily take becoming one of those people to find it. It does, however, take balance. Finding peace. I set a reminder 3 days ago to do yoga daily you know how many times I've done yoga? Zero. I don't consider myself a failure for that though. I'm still just chillin on the tightrope. I'll figure it out.
One day I'll figure out all the things. Probably not today but maybe I'll surprise myself. Until then the goal is to simply not fall off. And survival is kinda my thing. You need a pep talk too? We got this. Trust me. This struggle can't last forever.
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