Ain't No Changing You

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that your personality is yours and you probably aren't changing these facts about yourself. It's hard to realize that some people love you through these things and some people even love you for them. I know so many people struggle with self love, self esteem, self confidence, and self care. I'm all of those people like twice a day. But you know what I know? I can't change me. Like intrinsically, I am who I have always been.

The scary part of that is that I don't know me through and through. In fact, I don't know a single person who knows themselves through and through. I don't care what they say. The depths of your mind and the depths of your soul are more than 20,00 leagues that you will never reach the bottom of. And yet somehow those damn negative thoughts that plague you always seem to surface. Petulant little buoys that they are.

You know what else, there isn't a damn person on this planet who loves every single thing that they do know about themselves. That person would probably be a psycho. But there is a since of peace in accepting the things you know to be true about you. So I totally have not accomplished that but I feel as though I've seen it. Granted you are not superman so you don't have x-ray vision. Who knows what's behind those four walls. At least an appearance of peace is much more appealing than whatever it is I have going on.

So how does one reach that level? Yeah, no, I don't know. I was asking you. I might not know how to reach it but I do know that I am focused on it and to get where you're going you have to know it's out there. It's out there. I already told you that. How to get there? Follow the north star I guess. Take some lefts and some rights and eventually, possibly divine intervention you shall reach that inner peace.

All jokes aside. I don't like me... Like more often than not. But I do love me. I am not without a hope of something better. I am not without a drive to be a better, more likable person. I have some semblance of spirituality. That is a topic for another time but let's just say I'm not morally bankrupt. There are tons of explorations to be done inside me but much like this blog I'm a work in progress. The goal is to be able to sleep at night and not be bombarded by the monsters in my subconscious.

I might not be able to change me but I can find those deep parts of me that have yet to be found and know that the good outweighs the bad and at least I am loved. It's a journey, don't stop believin'.

--Okay that was corny... But I'm just a small-town girl...