Yell It From The Mountain Tops

There are days when you wanna cry when you walk out the door and days when you just can't help but be happy. Today was the latter. I didn't have a particularly stressful day but there wasn't really anything special about, I'm just in a good mood. Whereas yesterday, I wanted to cry for no particular reason. People are complicated. However, yesterday I forgot my crystal quartz at home and today is is adorning my neck and I'm totally relating those two. I've been slowly working on my chakras and I truly believe that root one is almost fixed and then I shall be on to the sacral. If you don't believe in crystals or chakras, that's your prerogative. I a firm believer in do what works for you. 

 

This morning, I had a very happy mom & daughter sit at my desk and read my wall and ask about my necklace. I explained that I was promoting all the positivity in this little area. She read my posted quote and asked if I lived by it. If you have ever read this before you know I do in fact speak of this quote often. It is as follows: Always remember to fall asleep with a dream and wake up with a purpose. I told her I try very hard to live that every day of my life. She said that's a good thing to live by. I loved her spirit and her excitement that she spelled my name right the other day. 😂 

Later, I even took on an emotionally draining task of discussing racism with a co-worker. I know it's bad form but it was important. I don't know if I made my point but I spoke up and honestly that's the first step. I hope at least someone listening heard part of what I was saying. People tend to live in their bubble and as long as their bubble is at homeostasis, they aren't concerned with the dealings of others. I wanted it to be realized that these protests and demonstrations and movements are to bring the issues to the forefront of that whitewashed bubble. To see the injustices, to fix them, and to learn from them. Like, I said I hope I made an impression. I speak with my heart and I was always told if you speak from your heart people will feel the genuineness. So my heart flows through my words and I hope a lesson is learned. If not this time, next time. I will not silence my heart. 

And finally today, I did a good deed. I have many times in my life worked so hard and felt extremely underappreciated or replaceable and I promise you there is no one in this world who wants to feel either of those things. So I took it upon myself to make a few someones feel special if only for a second. It cost me nothing but time and they may find it silly but it was an action that fell on my heart so I followed through. I'm so feeling the love and light today and I truly hope it continues. If you're having a great day today, or well any day, go on and shout it out loud. It feels amazing. People might look at you crazy sometimes but they're probably the people who need to try it. Don't say that though, they might get offend. you know what, just mention it. maybe it'll do some good. There are actually times when getting offended makes no sense, that is in fact one of those times. Beautiful Humans, love and light to you all! 

Being Human Isn't Selfish

I struggled today. My lack of sleep affecting my entire day. It's old news that I don't sleep but I was dragging by today. I had 3 sparks before 4 pm. It was a long day. Not necessarily a hard one I was just functioning below capacity all day. I could still use a nap but I know that one can't honestly "catch up" on sleep. It's impossible, but it's a nice thought we tell ourselves sometimes. In any case, I was the little engine that could. I thought I could, I thought I could and alas I made it to quittin' time but my mind is always at work even if not working at work. That's what those things do. I found myself flustered today at more than one point and apparently it was visible, or I look like hell after no sleep, because people kept asking me if I was okay. Apparently, I wasn't.

You ever notice how once you show people what you can do they take advantage of that. I used to find pride in the fact that people put my talents to use. Sometimes I still do. But there are other days when I realize I'm doing all the things for all the people and no one notices that I'm being drained. They continue to ask and expect more and more. There are days at work when I have downtime. Not because I'm not doing my job but because I work smart, not hard.

See, tasks at my jobs are divided evenly among the CSR's. That means no one person has more than the next right? But when I complete my given tasks in a shorter period of time I'm expected to pick up the slack. I understand that everyone should work together. And I have no issue getting up and helping my fellow coworkers. I do it often every single day by choice. I don't agree that I should be condemned because I had a few seconds to breathe. 

I'm not worried about doing more work than the next person. I am worried about being taken advantage of. I am worried about being undervalued for the extra that is often asked. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about how I'm valued. But I'm human and I'm also one of those Americans drowning in debt. So sue me for trying to do better for myself. I will not stop helping others. I won't. It's who I am. It's what I do. Sometimes, though, the struggle to do great and wonderful things is hard. Sometimes it's hard to give others all of you. I won't apologize for self-preservation. I'm not about that life. 

It's not just work though. It happens in your personal life too. People have crises. You're the go-to person for the crises. I get it. Everyone needs a person. But there are times when I have to say, "Ok, I get it you are having an issue and I love you and I support you and I want to help you but right now I'm at work and I have to work at work. This has to wait." I refuse to feel bad about that. Again, I am drowning in debt. My job puts food on my table. There has to be an understanding of priorities. Even still, I end up fixing the things but boundaries are important. Knowing that others respect and value my time is important. 

I will never regret helping someone. I will be disappointed that I was taken advantage of. But I know that I did what I could for who I could. I only ask that people have some decency. Show a little appreciation. We humans like that. Personally, I'm a fan of that hand-written card... just don't hug me. I'm not a hugger. Don't worry we'll make it through this crisis too. Sometimes you just get tired of being tired and you have to let off some steam. Good news though, we made it through hump day. Two more business days to go. Good job, you beautiful human!

These Fields Are Never Barren

I know signing up for a job in Customer Service never means just doing your job duties. You know you'll have to do all things more often than you really imagined. Some days though, it's hard to be the customer service rep, the secretary, the mechanic, the assembler, the tech support, the respiratory therapist, the accountant, the medical records department, & the life counselor all at the same time. It's hard. I'm thankful I have a job but I'm gonna go on and tell y'all it definitely isn't a rewarding one. I realize there are harder jobs. Cops, EMTs, nurses, all hard jobs but you know there's something that those jobs get that our menial jobs don't. Appreciation.

Nobody appreciates customer service. They have no problem cursing them and their mama but they never really appreciate them or consider some of the things that happen to them that have nothing to do with them or their job description. Customer service rep has got to be the most inclusive job I've ever seen in my life. I truly do want to work for the people. I just want to work in a more rewarding field. Not just wearing all these hats to pad a rich man's (or woman's pockets when they show no appreciation for my life or the struggles that they add because I'm replaceable. Knowing you're replaceable is a scary thought. But you do your best to not get replaced because well that's all you can do.

Today, though, someone asked me why I care so much. Why care if you know you're undervalued, over-worked and underpaid. Why do you even care? I could give you some crazy excuse like I'm a cancer. which is totally valid. I don't care if you believe in horoscopes or not if you look up the definition of a cancer my face is plastered on the page. I'm an emotional wreck and compassionate and I care too much. I digress but you gt the point. I care because I want others to care. I care because I was raised that way. I care because how I treat others is my mark on the world. I might be socially awkward and come off as tense or stuck up but deep in my soul I care so damn much.

This is the reason my F*** fields are not barren. Because if I didn't care about the opinions of others, I wouldn't care about how I treat them. That isn't to say that's how it works for all but that's how it works me. I will never not care it's not how I'm built. It's gotten me hurt on many an occasion but it's brought me joy in knowing I tried my hardest. I had the best of intentions and although good intentions don't always go far it's truly the heart that shines through.If you feel like you get trampled on often because you care too much, don't hate that about yourself. no, you should never hate anything about yourself but we're human. It happens.

Like in all things give it your best and that's all you really got. You can do great things you beautiful human.

Dear Darla... I Mean Diary

I was told once that this blog was like my diary. That's true, I guess. I have hope that my words might help someone out there but this started as my way to work through my own issues. There is a comment section so is an option to comment so it's not like a real diary. Although, there are posts I don't share. Posts that help me work through thoughts that weigh on my mind. Like depression. Everyone is different when it comes to depression so giving my opinion on one situation or another is really a moot point. Everyone deals or doesn't deal differently. 

That's the lovely thing about this world. No one thinks the same way as the next person. Like I have entire conversations in the car, in my head, in total silence. I know other people do that but since I'm the only one in the conversation it can't be replicated. It's amazing how our minds work sometimes. I spend so much time focusing on the positive and sometimes I wonder if my positivity helps people or annoys them. I've been told often I complain a lot which bothered me so I made it about to bottle everything up and then went to a really dark place. 

The point there? Balance. There is noway I'm gonna just never complain. I'm human I have likes and dislikes and an opinion. It happens. But I don't want negativity to just pour from my soul and I also know that it is impossible to be truly positive all the time. Because again I'm human I have likes and dislikes it happens. Some days I love my body, some days not so much. Good hair days and bad hair days. I go hella hard on the nutrition or the water intake or the exercising and other days I eat cookie dough and play video games. My only plans are to find a healthy balance in life and to know I can't pour from an empty cup. I have to know when to save the $5 and when to buy cheese dip. 

Some days are easier than others but my focus is not giving up and trying to be the best me for the world that surrounds me. Hoping to continue to help people along the way. It's won't always be easy but it will be worth it. I read that somewhere and I agree the hard things are always fun to do but the fun things aren't always easy to get to. Plus as long as I'm consistent and genuine, life seems to be worth it and hopefully I don't make others lives harder. If I can achieve this balance I surely don't expect to be disappointed at the end of this journey and if I am, well, atleast I can say I tried. 

Wake Up & Put Your Sassypants On

Ever just wake up to a good day?! That's today. I didn't sleep well. I never do but for some reason when I woke up I just knew it was gonna be a good day. The word of the day is "sassy" and I am feeling it. I was told multiple times today that I was sassy. It's the red pants, I think. I'm embracing my inner "Rosie the Riveter." Pin-up hair, make-up did, outfit on point. Just having a fabulous feeling day for some kind of reason. I'm not about to question it though.

 No sleep, hormones raging and still choosing to embrace the positive. It's hard sometimes to embrace the good and let the negative roll down your back. It's hard to choose to be happy when you have numerous reasons to not be. It's worth it though. Again it's not depression you can just choose not to feel but, you know, those everyday blues that just make you do all the complaining. Those you can chose to avoid, and you totally should. You'll thank me for it later!

Stop! Right now. Think about something that pissed you off today. Take a deep breath and let it go. Now do it again but this time think about something that made you smile today? If there was nothing that made you smile here... (see below)

Okay, feel better? Now isn't that nice? Don't you want to feel that awesome as often as possible. Me too. I've walked around every day with a ridiculous weight on my shoulders before. It was not a fun time. I do not recommend. So try to take that little bitty step and find a reason to smile even if only for a second. Even if it's something you know you probably shouldn't be laughing at. It's not the end of the world and you're not a horrible person. Sometimes you just gotta embrace whatever that thing is.

Next step, say one thing you're thankful for. I don't care if you write it down in a journal(I love journals. I have about 20.) Put it on a private blog. Post it on facebook. Tell someone. Shout it to thin air on a mountain top. Just be thankful for something. It really gives you some perspective and a reminder to find a little humility. I don't care if you're religious or spiritual or if you just don't give a damn it truly does something all up in your insides to show thanks and you won't regret it.

Simply complete one random act of kindness a day. I don't mean you have to spend money or pay it forward. You don't always have to invest in someone else to do something kind. I totally do not object if you want to do for others but remember you are a somebody too. You can do something kind for you and change your whole outlook on something. Take care of you. We all know this world sucks sometimes but we also know we can't change it alone and we can't do it in a day. Never feel bad for taking care of you and being good to you. You're worth it, you beautiful human! 

Now sass it up and get the ish, whatever it may be, done. You got this!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

This week has been a hectic one. A Monday that you really feel the mondays to a Hump Day that's much too long. But it's been A good week. I had some attitude problems, I needed to check at the door but you know I've survived. My hormones seem to be a leaning a little more to the Incredible Hulk's sense of control and less She-Hulk. Deep breathing has been my friend this week.

 There have been some positives. I have made some new friends in my fitness group. I have planned out how to pay off my credit cards in 4 years. That might not sound like a feat but 20 g's in credit card debt is a scary mountain to climb. I have not given up on school even though I will have to pay for it myself, one day. I'm on day 10 of a much needed cleanse and while I haven't lost any weight I do feel sludge-free. I have had 130 oz of water today when my goal was only 110 and I have 16.9 more in this cup right here. That's hard y'all and my bladder is mad as hell. But I really love challenges. Especially health-goal related challenges. 

It's really so nice to know I'm working hard to heal my body. I have also worked out everyday but two since July 22, that's 9 whole workouts. And I've somehow managed to not feel completely and ridiculously sore (thanks, Nighttime Recovery!) Knowing I'm keeping my endorphins going has really helped to not let things that would have gotten me all the way down and out roll off my back. With minimal pouting, at least. This is a nice change in my life. It's nice to be able to get out the things that are driving me mad. It's nice to be able to put them into the universe. 

Writing has given me something I really needed. Something I haven't felt since my first blog. A way to set the struggles that weigh on my shoulders down and to feel a release. To know that I may vent and complain, I'm only human, but i try to balance that with some positive thought. I know people see that. I know people are watching. That's not vanity, it's humanity. So on to the more positive focus of the week. It's almost done. It's a pay week (Hallelujah!) I have a lot of good to focus on in the coming weeks. I have a mindset to put my head down and put in work and don't look up will I'm done. 

I have a new goal. I've talked a lot about not seeing a future for me and then finding some goals for myself and fighting for them but I saw something yesterday that is truly true to me heart. There's someone in my life who deserves all the love and praise I'll never be able to give her. She's been my rock just as many times as I've been hers and even if I don't want hugs I still need her each and every day so my new goal is for her...