I Wish I Was Beautiful

My nickname is Beautiful. Literally, the word Beautiful. I'm called beautiful everyday and I'm so lucky to have that. More often than not I don't feel like I live up to that name though. I feel unlovable even if logic tells me I'm very loved. I feel like I'm not good enough. Never feeling like I truly have someone to turn too. It's not that I don't have friends but I still feel empty. There are days when I just need to be held and I can't seem to get that

I'm not a hugger. That's just not a thing. Touch is very intimate to me and to hug me is to reach inside my body and feel my heart 💓 It gives me a sense of warmth, security, and comfort so when random people hug me it makes me feel uncomfortable because there are very few people who know me well enough to have that honor of touching my heart. I don't know when I built that wall but I appreciate that it's there.

There are days when I don't know what's wrong and I just need something and I never feel like I find it. I go for so long searching for something that can't be found. A weight, a hairstyle, a dream, an amount of money... There's a void that I simply can't fill. I have said out loud in moments of true transparency that I don't have a future. I don't see it. So much so that it just doesn't exist. I simply stay alive and go through the motions until one day I'm not alive anymore.

I'm always "working towards something" but I never actually reach it. It's as though my heart isn't really in it. I'm just distracting myself from my nothingness. So maybe it's not that I wish I was beautiful it's that I wish I was full of life and love and all the things that are beautiful.

I feel the darkness creeping in. I feel the negativity surrounding me and I don't know if I'm strong enough to fight it.