BLAME IT ON THE RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RETROGRADE

Seriously though. I swear I've been in a perpetual bad mood for two weeks... in the least. I blame some of it on pain, some days it's PMS, some days it's my environment. Today it's retrograde. Maybe, it's me. Maybe I need a head doctor for reals. Control the stress, the anxiety, the mood swings, the cyclic depression. Maybe that isn't the answer... but I've tried the holistic and the yoga and the positive affirmations. I've worked out, I've rested, I've written out dreams and goals and made plans, but somehow I always end up back on my little hamster wheel. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. My proverbial cup isn't empty, it just has those few little droplets I can't seem to get too.

Life isn't always bad. I'm not a pessimist... I try to be an optimist but mostly just get hit with the realism. I wish I could be positive all the time. There's a regular Jiminey in my life who I sometimes envy because she has such grace and poise and positivity and while I strive for her greatness, I often fail. I haven't quiet gotten aold of giving myself grace yet and I still have a habit of taking on the negative thoughts and view in my head. Especially when it comes to me. Hell, I stayed out of my mind for years because I couldn't stand that girl. She was worthless and made the worst decisions.

I don't hate me anymore. But some days, some days I can't stop the noise. The useless, pathetic, annoying female echoes in my brain and the tears that fall and reinforce how much I give life to what I'm hearing. In the sunlight, I know the logic, I do. I'm not those things but when you're at your weakest you forget you at your strongest. And thinking happy thoughts doesn't really fix it. In those moments, you forget that there is happiness. I try to focus my energy on helping others. By letting their lives give mine purpose when I can't seem to find my own purpose.

That's the root right there. I don't know my own purpose. I thought I found it once but it turns out that wasn't the case. Here I am, nearly 30. Broke. Working at a job that would replace me in a second, rather than make sure I can afford to eat. (Speaking of, so need to get my eating habits under control... and stop letting my mood affect my motivation. Another story, another day.) I have those goals and dreams I mentioned earlier. I have a vision board in front of me at work and one hanging on my bedroom door that I see every day. I'm not without vision, only purpose.

I'm stuck in the planning stages. How do I turn those goals into reality when I stand so firmly in my own way so often. It drives me to the brink of insanity. Constantly planning, and then dropping the ball on handling it. Most days, I need help to survive, but I don't say that. I'd rather be the strong one than the one who admits they can't do something. I hate pride, so often it is the source of issue. I know it gets me down, but I usually don't ask for help, because those who could help have struggles of their own. I see them, I hear them, because so often I am the voice of reason. And burdening those I care about is something I try to avoid.

I just keep telling myself, like my mama always told me, "What's meant to be will be." I don't stop working for what I want but I know I can't really control it either. Only continue on my path. And one day everything will be okay... it has to be.


I wish you a fabulous day beautiful humans. You're amazing!

She's The Quiet One With The RBF

You ever think about what it would be like to not be the shy one? The quiet one? The one everyone always thinks is mad? I do. My small circle probably thinks I never shut up but they know around new people and in new situations I don't interact. I don't want to be hugged or touched. I'm a cuddler and I love affection but on a very, small and intimate scale. People treat you differently. Either because they think you're rude or stuck up or because they don't understand or know how to interact with you.

It's frustrating for sure but I've been this way all my life so it's all I know. I have taken many strides to be as social is I am. To interact with strangers at a store. To hug family members. To not sit on the couch and just observe at family gatherings. To try to put myself out into the world the way the "people who succeed" do. Because let's face it, usually you have to be an outgoing extrovert to be heard. I'm not outgoing, and I'm not an extrovert. Although, I love being in public and feeling the energy of those around me, it's exhausting.


Recharging is so very necessary. I spend a lot of time alone. I have random conversations that will never happen in my head. I make all the plans and do all the things for people except (unless I bite the bullet and do the things when no one is looking) often they'll never know I even considered half the things I do. Being an introvert is hard. Being a shy introvert is the hardest. I say things that people don't hear. I do things that people never see. Sometimes it's nice to be invisible. Other times it's lonely.

Don't judge people for not being like you. Don't assume they're mean because they don't smile and they're quiet. Don't intimidate them in to being like you. Understand that all people are different. All interactions aren't what you expect them to be. Don't assume you can't have a real friendship with someone just because they aren't talking your ear off. Sometimes those people need someone like me to do all the listening. But when I speak, take a seat a lend an ear. And when I need to recharge, don't take it personally.We can hang out on the couch and binge watch Big Bang Theory in silence and still be bonding.

This goes for family too. Don't treat your loved ones differently just because they don't stand out from the crowd. I've always felt the pressure from different people because I wasn't who they expected me to be just because we share blood. Realize, that isn't how biology works. We're not clones. And especially at the holidays, when you see family you don't see very often. There is no fault for being different. For observing. For being silent. Accept it. You wanna be loud and entertaining? We the quiet people appreciate the entertainment.

Have the happiest of all the holidays, beautiful humans!

#%&@

Ever just feel like you have so much to say and stand unable to form the words. Unable to scream or just not. Stuck somewhere in time, in Limbo. Screaming at the top of your lungs in silence. The urge to lay and not function but having to function because you have no other choice. Coherent meeting incoherence. Nothing makes sense at all.

Yeah, that sounds like some crazy rambling... an unending mess of words but damn if it doesn't explain how I'm feeling right now in this very moment. Recently, some things changed. I made some decisions, some decisions were made for me. As is the flow of life. I'm stressed to the point of distress if you didn't notice. Things are out of control and I'm trying to control the things I can. Personally, I'm failing, but trying to keep that outward appearance of doggie paddling.

I have a pain that won't go away and I'm mad at the world and grumpy and I really don't like myself right now. Not even, in a self harm, self-deprecating kind of way. Just a tired of hearing myself complain, but tired of walking around in pain. Tired of expectations. Just tired. Need a serious mental health getaway like running away would solve the problems. Running away isn't logical but I'll be damned if it doesn't sound good amidst the chaos in my brain.

I know things will get better. That's how life works. Ups and downs and round and rounds. Things get better and then worse and then better again. But I need a moment. A pause. A chance to stand in the sun without the stress and pain and irritability. With some certainty that I can make it on my own. With some reassurance that I'm not doing life all wrong. So if you see me out in public, crying or screaming or numb to the world, know that I'm ok or I'm not but one way or the other I will be. In the eventual.

Until that time arrives, I'm asking for all your good vibes with all the love and light your hearts can muster, beautiful humans!

Carry On

On this lovely Halloween day, I've started to look forward to the season of Thanksgiving that is on it's way. I've taken a step back to reflect. I've come to the realization that no matter what, life will always be unpredictable. There is legitimately no way to avoid a roller coaster style drop or twist or turn. Sometimes you really do just have to roll with the punches and ride out the waves.

I have noticed that mindfully staying positive can save you in so many ways. It also promotes a sense of positivity in the world around you. Encouraging others will serve you and them in ways you never imagined possible. There is never a time to neglect yourself. There is never a time to sweep your needs under the proverbial rug. There is always a time to help other.

I've put a lot of thought into perspective and questioning whether my “wisdom” really considers others perspectives and why they see things the way they do. I try to consciously look from the point-of-view of those around me. It isn't easy but it I feel like it makes me feel more empathetic, understanding, and even giving me more confidence in my beliefs.

This all sounds good and well, right, but I'm not perfect. I'm merely human and will never claim the ideal of perfection. My goal is to stay focused and mindful. I work hard and help others and try to remind myself not to stress of that which I can't control. Hopefully, my ripples have a positive effect on the world around me but if not at least I can say I tried. Good intentions and all that.

I fell behind on my grateful days commitment. I didn't grow less grateful but life happened. I continued to workout and have probably surpassed my 50 workout goal it's just not documented the way I planned. I promise to do better next time. I have tried to stay on track with taking time for me and taking care of me. And I will continue on that path even if I trip sometimes.

Now, for you, I challenge you. Don't worry it's easy and it's all for you. You don't have to do a kind act, even though that's totally an option. You don't have to post for the worlds approval. Just you. Write down one positive statement about yourself. In the am, before bed, at lunch, whenever. Just come up with one thing. You may not notice it at first but your entire outlook will start to change.

You are a beautiful human, carry on.  

"Taby, You Know You're Fat, Right?"

Truth moment. In the summer of 2015 someone told me I was fat. To my face. And it hurt.

Since the 6th grade, I've always been the bigger girl. I had permanent RBF but I felt generally invisible. I had a small circle that over time got smaller. By their choices or mine. But eventually I found my tribe. The people who reminded me I was Beautiful. Period.

It was great. However, that didn't stop depression, anxiety, or self destruction. Tragedy in 2012 was the catalyst to my dark days and another tragedy in 2015 was my anticatalyst.

So here I am working my way through the fallout and someone tells me I'm fat. After everything I've been thru. And it stings. It stays with me in a way it shouldn't. I was mad at me and at them. As it turns out, that was rather important to my story.

I may have accepted me but I really was unhealthy and I had done a number on my body trying to escape reality. So in August of 2015, I made a change. A small change. I committed to 24 days. I charged it to a credit card (my massive credit card debt) and said if it didn't work, oh well.

I'd tried things before that didn't work. What's one more chance. I'm good at that, chances. But then, I lost 10 lbs and 15 inches in a little over 3 weeks. It sounded crazy, but I could see it so obviously it happened. I realized though that I felt better inside and out.

Focusing on my health helped me more than just physically. Mentally and emotionally I was being healed. I had hurt myself for so long and my being appreciated that I was being kind to it. It was a nice change.

So I stuck with it. Yeah, I don't always stay focused. I still fight with my anxiety and my depression. But I'm not falling down that spiral staircase like I did for 3 years. I've made positive changes. I eat better, usually. I workout for my strength and my sanity. I make time for me emotionally and spiritually.

I realize that I did myself dirty for so long and I deserve better. I deserve the love and happiness I put into the world... Even if I have to make it myself sometimes. That one I'm still struggling with, but admitting it's out there makes the idea of being happy a plausible reality. And that adds fuel to my fire of hope.

Have a blessed day, beautiful human!

Wake Up & Do The Things

If you asked me a few weeks ago if I was okay, you would've gotten a resounding and unapologetic no. If you ask me that same question this week, I guess it depends on the the hour. Logically, I know I'm going to be okay. But people who think with their hearts are usually less prone to logical reactions. My emotions are my enemy and my friend. My heart, my blessing and my curse. I don't regret that I do everything with my heart. It's who I am. It's who I've always been and although I suffer from RBF, I'm far from a hard candy shell.

 Alas, here I am, getting up every day and getting the things done. Going above and beyond for others. Spreading goodness into the world in the small ripples that I make. I mean I'm not all peace, love and rainbows, no matter how hard I try. My mouth is less sailor-like than a few years ago but the f-bombs still fly and my road rage is at status quo. And my hormones, bless them, because once I get in my feelings I get lost in Wonderland and my reactions are not my own. 

 I'm trying to "get my life together," whatever that means. I'm paying down my monstrosity of debt, I'm saving for my future, I'm splurging at the Walmart. I'm trying to feed my body and keep her moving and keep her hydrated. Walks alone on a trail, yoga with the yogis, sweating and hitting the weights. All little steps to better my physical self as well as my metaphysical self. My thoughts are my worst enemy at times and I can ugly cry with the best of 'em. I realize, I only get one life and there is no time for wasting away.

I'm taking on new challenges. Learning the new things, creating the art, taking chances and stepping out of the comfort of my 4 walls in a way I never really considered before. You see, this place I'm at is a place I've never been. Like, ever. So while it may look as though I'm in rut and going no where, I'm exploring the life that surrounds me so I can find the life I've been looking for, essentially. 

It's known to some but not to most, but every time I make a wish, I wish for happiness. All my life, well since I knew happiness was out there and I didn't feel it, I've wished for happiness. Birthday cakes, eye lashes, dandelions, shooting stars, every 11:11, I've always wished for happiness. I thought I found it once or twice, but I guess I was wrong. I think wonder if maybe I didn't know what happiness actually looked like or maybe I was expecting to find it in the wrong places. 

I've been given an opportunity, in this new place I've been dropped, to truly figure it out. In ways and opportunities I never would've imagined for myself. These are the days, that I truly realize just how grateful I am for all the things I've ever said I was grateful for. My support system has risen above and beyond. I am not the certain of the Universe and I know there are quite the shitty and sad things going on around us, everyday, but I am the center of the Universe I have to live in everyday.  I have to hear these thoughts and feel these feels and I'm so glad I'm getting to know the person inside me more and more. 

Shit doesn't just happen. People make choices. Those choices cause ripples. That's how life works. I'm just trying to make my ripples something to be proud of. Something that lights my soul on fire. I love you, beautiful humans. That's the gift I give freely to the world. Do with it as you wish.

Player One Leveled Up

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I last posted. It's like I was on a high and then tragedy stuck. It's my own personal tragedy but it was unexpected and heart-wrenching and it threw all my hard work in the trash. Ever felt like you were useless? A floor mat at best. A stepping stone. Yeah, me too. My last post was about appreciation and value. And then to feel so undervalued. It was a slap in the face. My troubles are my own and I will move on. I put one foot in front of the other because that's the only choice I was given. Was it fair? No, but as we're often reminded life isn't fair. I wallowed and I cried... hell, I still cry. I still go through the motions of each day but as long as I don't quit I haven't lost.

I am Queen of the Hopefuls, no matter how hopeless that may sound. Giving up isn't in my DNA, loyalty is. I had decided the path my life was going down and now that path doesn't exist. So, my new plan is to live a life I can look back on and truly appreciate the experiences I've been through. I will do the yoga, stay healthy, get outside my comfort zone. I will find the trails and the rivers and paint with all the colors of the wind. (All kinds of Pocohontas over here.) I will take the pictures and get the tattoo. I will take the trips. I never wanted to live life alone but if alone is all I have right now I will still go out and live the life. 

I have committed to me. Because I am what I got. Yeah, I have family and friends but as a general rule it's just me. I'm an introvert so me has usually been all I've ever had and it's ok. Of course I want to share my life with someone because cuddles and kisses and love are what everyone deserves, if that's what they want. But for now, to Philly and the Caribbean and to Dallas and Disney, I'm choosing my own adventure. To enjoying the life I've been given and not accepting disrespect and pain. I have always known I will be the one who gives more than she receives but I won't accept less than makes me happy. 

In other news: I have fallen off on counting workouts and selfies but I'm still so very grateful for so many things in my life and I'm still working out and getting things done. I'm still working my way to ONE-derland and I still have an amazing support system. I have goals that I'm crushing everyday and I'm getting healthier and stronger every single day.  A little progress pic from my July post >>>(http://www.beautifulhappyplace.com/2017/07/stick-and-stay.html)

The SWEATING:

Sweat Camp 10 Week Fitness Challenge starts September 30th. Homework assignments interspersed throughout the face-to-face meetings. A great way to focus on your fitness and see real improvement. I'll be there because I am my wisest investment. 

https://www.facebook.com/NoLimitTraining203/

The YOGA:

I do yoga at home... and sometimes work, but there's something awesome about doing yoga with like minded people. And there is certainly something magickal about St. Anne's Chapel. So Monday, I plan to join those like-minded folks and get my namaste on. Wanna go?!

https://www.stanneschapel.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pg/SaintAnnesChapel/about/?ref=page_internal

https://www.facebook.com/events/667528323445425/?acontext=%7B%22ref%22%3A%2222%22%2C%22feed_story_type%22%3A%2222%22%2C%22action_history%22%3A%22null%22%7D&pnref=story

The NUTRITION:

I'm happy to introduce you to the love of my life, Spark, at anytime whatsoever. If you're looking to focus on what you're putting in your body and how to fuel your body the right way, I'd love to share my Advocare story with you. Like all good stories, it started with a challenge!

Yell It From The Mountain Tops

There are days when you wanna cry when you walk out the door and days when you just can't help but be happy. Today was the latter. I didn't have a particularly stressful day but there wasn't really anything special about, I'm just in a good mood. Whereas yesterday, I wanted to cry for no particular reason. People are complicated. However, yesterday I forgot my crystal quartz at home and today is is adorning my neck and I'm totally relating those two. I've been slowly working on my chakras and I truly believe that root one is almost fixed and then I shall be on to the sacral. If you don't believe in crystals or chakras, that's your prerogative. I a firm believer in do what works for you. 

 

This morning, I had a very happy mom & daughter sit at my desk and read my wall and ask about my necklace. I explained that I was promoting all the positivity in this little area. She read my posted quote and asked if I lived by it. If you have ever read this before you know I do in fact speak of this quote often. It is as follows: Always remember to fall asleep with a dream and wake up with a purpose. I told her I try very hard to live that every day of my life. She said that's a good thing to live by. I loved her spirit and her excitement that she spelled my name right the other day. 😂 

Later, I even took on an emotionally draining task of discussing racism with a co-worker. I know it's bad form but it was important. I don't know if I made my point but I spoke up and honestly that's the first step. I hope at least someone listening heard part of what I was saying. People tend to live in their bubble and as long as their bubble is at homeostasis, they aren't concerned with the dealings of others. I wanted it to be realized that these protests and demonstrations and movements are to bring the issues to the forefront of that whitewashed bubble. To see the injustices, to fix them, and to learn from them. Like, I said I hope I made an impression. I speak with my heart and I was always told if you speak from your heart people will feel the genuineness. So my heart flows through my words and I hope a lesson is learned. If not this time, next time. I will not silence my heart. 

And finally today, I did a good deed. I have many times in my life worked so hard and felt extremely underappreciated or replaceable and I promise you there is no one in this world who wants to feel either of those things. So I took it upon myself to make a few someones feel special if only for a second. It cost me nothing but time and they may find it silly but it was an action that fell on my heart so I followed through. I'm so feeling the love and light today and I truly hope it continues. If you're having a great day today, or well any day, go on and shout it out loud. It feels amazing. People might look at you crazy sometimes but they're probably the people who need to try it. Don't say that though, they might get offend. you know what, just mention it. maybe it'll do some good. There are actually times when getting offended makes no sense, that is in fact one of those times. Beautiful Humans, love and light to you all! 

Being Human Isn't Selfish

I struggled today. My lack of sleep affecting my entire day. It's old news that I don't sleep but I was dragging by today. I had 3 sparks before 4 pm. It was a long day. Not necessarily a hard one I was just functioning below capacity all day. I could still use a nap but I know that one can't honestly "catch up" on sleep. It's impossible, but it's a nice thought we tell ourselves sometimes. In any case, I was the little engine that could. I thought I could, I thought I could and alas I made it to quittin' time but my mind is always at work even if not working at work. That's what those things do. I found myself flustered today at more than one point and apparently it was visible, or I look like hell after no sleep, because people kept asking me if I was okay. Apparently, I wasn't.

You ever notice how once you show people what you can do they take advantage of that. I used to find pride in the fact that people put my talents to use. Sometimes I still do. But there are other days when I realize I'm doing all the things for all the people and no one notices that I'm being drained. They continue to ask and expect more and more. There are days at work when I have downtime. Not because I'm not doing my job but because I work smart, not hard.

See, tasks at my jobs are divided evenly among the CSR's. That means no one person has more than the next right? But when I complete my given tasks in a shorter period of time I'm expected to pick up the slack. I understand that everyone should work together. And I have no issue getting up and helping my fellow coworkers. I do it often every single day by choice. I don't agree that I should be condemned because I had a few seconds to breathe. 

I'm not worried about doing more work than the next person. I am worried about being taken advantage of. I am worried about being undervalued for the extra that is often asked. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about how I'm valued. But I'm human and I'm also one of those Americans drowning in debt. So sue me for trying to do better for myself. I will not stop helping others. I won't. It's who I am. It's what I do. Sometimes, though, the struggle to do great and wonderful things is hard. Sometimes it's hard to give others all of you. I won't apologize for self-preservation. I'm not about that life. 

It's not just work though. It happens in your personal life too. People have crises. You're the go-to person for the crises. I get it. Everyone needs a person. But there are times when I have to say, "Ok, I get it you are having an issue and I love you and I support you and I want to help you but right now I'm at work and I have to work at work. This has to wait." I refuse to feel bad about that. Again, I am drowning in debt. My job puts food on my table. There has to be an understanding of priorities. Even still, I end up fixing the things but boundaries are important. Knowing that others respect and value my time is important. 

I will never regret helping someone. I will be disappointed that I was taken advantage of. But I know that I did what I could for who I could. I only ask that people have some decency. Show a little appreciation. We humans like that. Personally, I'm a fan of that hand-written card... just don't hug me. I'm not a hugger. Don't worry we'll make it through this crisis too. Sometimes you just get tired of being tired and you have to let off some steam. Good news though, we made it through hump day. Two more business days to go. Good job, you beautiful human!

These Fields Are Never Barren

I know signing up for a job in Customer Service never means just doing your job duties. You know you'll have to do all things more often than you really imagined. Some days though, it's hard to be the customer service rep, the secretary, the mechanic, the assembler, the tech support, the respiratory therapist, the accountant, the medical records department, & the life counselor all at the same time. It's hard. I'm thankful I have a job but I'm gonna go on and tell y'all it definitely isn't a rewarding one. I realize there are harder jobs. Cops, EMTs, nurses, all hard jobs but you know there's something that those jobs get that our menial jobs don't. Appreciation.

Nobody appreciates customer service. They have no problem cursing them and their mama but they never really appreciate them or consider some of the things that happen to them that have nothing to do with them or their job description. Customer service rep has got to be the most inclusive job I've ever seen in my life. I truly do want to work for the people. I just want to work in a more rewarding field. Not just wearing all these hats to pad a rich man's (or woman's pockets when they show no appreciation for my life or the struggles that they add because I'm replaceable. Knowing you're replaceable is a scary thought. But you do your best to not get replaced because well that's all you can do.

Today, though, someone asked me why I care so much. Why care if you know you're undervalued, over-worked and underpaid. Why do you even care? I could give you some crazy excuse like I'm a cancer. which is totally valid. I don't care if you believe in horoscopes or not if you look up the definition of a cancer my face is plastered on the page. I'm an emotional wreck and compassionate and I care too much. I digress but you gt the point. I care because I want others to care. I care because I was raised that way. I care because how I treat others is my mark on the world. I might be socially awkward and come off as tense or stuck up but deep in my soul I care so damn much.

This is the reason my F*** fields are not barren. Because if I didn't care about the opinions of others, I wouldn't care about how I treat them. That isn't to say that's how it works for all but that's how it works me. I will never not care it's not how I'm built. It's gotten me hurt on many an occasion but it's brought me joy in knowing I tried my hardest. I had the best of intentions and although good intentions don't always go far it's truly the heart that shines through.If you feel like you get trampled on often because you care too much, don't hate that about yourself. no, you should never hate anything about yourself but we're human. It happens.

Like in all things give it your best and that's all you really got. You can do great things you beautiful human.

Dear Darla... I Mean Diary

I was told once that this blog was like my diary. That's true, I guess. I have hope that my words might help someone out there but this started as my way to work through my own issues. There is a comment section so is an option to comment so it's not like a real diary. Although, there are posts I don't share. Posts that help me work through thoughts that weigh on my mind. Like depression. Everyone is different when it comes to depression so giving my opinion on one situation or another is really a moot point. Everyone deals or doesn't deal differently. 

That's the lovely thing about this world. No one thinks the same way as the next person. Like I have entire conversations in the car, in my head, in total silence. I know other people do that but since I'm the only one in the conversation it can't be replicated. It's amazing how our minds work sometimes. I spend so much time focusing on the positive and sometimes I wonder if my positivity helps people or annoys them. I've been told often I complain a lot which bothered me so I made it about to bottle everything up and then went to a really dark place. 

The point there? Balance. There is noway I'm gonna just never complain. I'm human I have likes and dislikes and an opinion. It happens. But I don't want negativity to just pour from my soul and I also know that it is impossible to be truly positive all the time. Because again I'm human I have likes and dislikes it happens. Some days I love my body, some days not so much. Good hair days and bad hair days. I go hella hard on the nutrition or the water intake or the exercising and other days I eat cookie dough and play video games. My only plans are to find a healthy balance in life and to know I can't pour from an empty cup. I have to know when to save the $5 and when to buy cheese dip. 

Some days are easier than others but my focus is not giving up and trying to be the best me for the world that surrounds me. Hoping to continue to help people along the way. It's won't always be easy but it will be worth it. I read that somewhere and I agree the hard things are always fun to do but the fun things aren't always easy to get to. Plus as long as I'm consistent and genuine, life seems to be worth it and hopefully I don't make others lives harder. If I can achieve this balance I surely don't expect to be disappointed at the end of this journey and if I am, well, atleast I can say I tried. 

Wake Up & Put Your Sassypants On

Ever just wake up to a good day?! That's today. I didn't sleep well. I never do but for some reason when I woke up I just knew it was gonna be a good day. The word of the day is "sassy" and I am feeling it. I was told multiple times today that I was sassy. It's the red pants, I think. I'm embracing my inner "Rosie the Riveter." Pin-up hair, make-up did, outfit on point. Just having a fabulous feeling day for some kind of reason. I'm not about to question it though.

 No sleep, hormones raging and still choosing to embrace the positive. It's hard sometimes to embrace the good and let the negative roll down your back. It's hard to choose to be happy when you have numerous reasons to not be. It's worth it though. Again it's not depression you can just choose not to feel but, you know, those everyday blues that just make you do all the complaining. Those you can chose to avoid, and you totally should. You'll thank me for it later!

Stop! Right now. Think about something that pissed you off today. Take a deep breath and let it go. Now do it again but this time think about something that made you smile today? If there was nothing that made you smile here... (see below)

Okay, feel better? Now isn't that nice? Don't you want to feel that awesome as often as possible. Me too. I've walked around every day with a ridiculous weight on my shoulders before. It was not a fun time. I do not recommend. So try to take that little bitty step and find a reason to smile even if only for a second. Even if it's something you know you probably shouldn't be laughing at. It's not the end of the world and you're not a horrible person. Sometimes you just gotta embrace whatever that thing is.

Next step, say one thing you're thankful for. I don't care if you write it down in a journal(I love journals. I have about 20.) Put it on a private blog. Post it on facebook. Tell someone. Shout it to thin air on a mountain top. Just be thankful for something. It really gives you some perspective and a reminder to find a little humility. I don't care if you're religious or spiritual or if you just don't give a damn it truly does something all up in your insides to show thanks and you won't regret it.

Simply complete one random act of kindness a day. I don't mean you have to spend money or pay it forward. You don't always have to invest in someone else to do something kind. I totally do not object if you want to do for others but remember you are a somebody too. You can do something kind for you and change your whole outlook on something. Take care of you. We all know this world sucks sometimes but we also know we can't change it alone and we can't do it in a day. Never feel bad for taking care of you and being good to you. You're worth it, you beautiful human! 

Now sass it up and get the ish, whatever it may be, done. You got this!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

This week has been a hectic one. A Monday that you really feel the mondays to a Hump Day that's much too long. But it's been A good week. I had some attitude problems, I needed to check at the door but you know I've survived. My hormones seem to be a leaning a little more to the Incredible Hulk's sense of control and less She-Hulk. Deep breathing has been my friend this week.

 There have been some positives. I have made some new friends in my fitness group. I have planned out how to pay off my credit cards in 4 years. That might not sound like a feat but 20 g's in credit card debt is a scary mountain to climb. I have not given up on school even though I will have to pay for it myself, one day. I'm on day 10 of a much needed cleanse and while I haven't lost any weight I do feel sludge-free. I have had 130 oz of water today when my goal was only 110 and I have 16.9 more in this cup right here. That's hard y'all and my bladder is mad as hell. But I really love challenges. Especially health-goal related challenges. 

It's really so nice to know I'm working hard to heal my body. I have also worked out everyday but two since July 22, that's 9 whole workouts. And I've somehow managed to not feel completely and ridiculously sore (thanks, Nighttime Recovery!) Knowing I'm keeping my endorphins going has really helped to not let things that would have gotten me all the way down and out roll off my back. With minimal pouting, at least. This is a nice change in my life. It's nice to be able to get out the things that are driving me mad. It's nice to be able to put them into the universe. 

Writing has given me something I really needed. Something I haven't felt since my first blog. A way to set the struggles that weigh on my shoulders down and to feel a release. To know that I may vent and complain, I'm only human, but i try to balance that with some positive thought. I know people see that. I know people are watching. That's not vanity, it's humanity. So on to the more positive focus of the week. It's almost done. It's a pay week (Hallelujah!) I have a lot of good to focus on in the coming weeks. I have a mindset to put my head down and put in work and don't look up will I'm done. 

I have a new goal. I've talked a lot about not seeing a future for me and then finding some goals for myself and fighting for them but I saw something yesterday that is truly true to me heart. There's someone in my life who deserves all the love and praise I'll never be able to give her. She's been my rock just as many times as I've been hers and even if I don't want hugs I still need her each and every day so my new goal is for her...

(insert positive thought here)

Some days are bad. Some are good. Most are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Today was the latter. But it's okay. It's going to be okay. That future I'm fighting for will be mine and I can't let this set back set me back. Today I found out I have no financial aid and that includes for this past summer semester I struggled through. So I dropped the classes I was scheduled for and now I owe back the money for the previous semester. I have no idea where I'm going to get this money. Like at all but I can't let it get to me.

I had a legit freak out this morning. We're not calling it anxiety. We're not owning that. But my blood pressure, y'all, went through the roof. I was simultaneously flushed in the face and pale as a ghost. It was a bad few hours. It drained me physically and I had to actually take a nap at lunch because I just couldn't keep functioning at that level. When I got home I felt a little better and then the dam broke and I had a little pity party and cried it out. It was cathartic and it let me release that tension and let it roll down my cheeks.

No, I'm not just better but I know I'll deal with all that needs to be dealt with in the time it takes to do it. I have to keep fighting for what I want even if the path isn't leading where I thought it should be. I have to do the hard things even when I don't want to. Make the sacrifices when I'd rather wallow in the sadness of the things that get in my way.

it. So it is what it is. I have to let it go and pull myself up from the ick of the day. Focus on what I can control.

I have to be the light in the day because my woes aren't as bad as some others and even if they are, life is about what you put into it. Not just what you get from it. In the words of Maya Angelou, "Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." I let my bad day affect how I reacted in a situation and it really bothered me. So much so that I had to apologize for being insensitive. I didn't think before I released my negativity into the world and possibly added negativity to some one's day.

Here's to a brighter day tomorrow. Finding the peace in the day and some positive light in my life. It's not worth wasting the time on things that do no good. It's not worth carrying those bad vibes around with me. "New year, new me" is quite cliché but tomorrow really is a new day and a new chance at being my best me. Let's do this!

Goodnight you beautiful human ❤