#%&@

Ever just feel like you have so much to say and stand unable to form the words. Unable to scream or just not. Stuck somewhere in time, in Limbo. Screaming at the top of your lungs in silence. The urge to lay and not function but having to function because you have no other choice. Coherent meeting incoherence. Nothing makes sense at all.

Yeah, that sounds like some crazy rambling... an unending mess of words but damn if it doesn't explain how I'm feeling right now in this very moment. Recently, some things changed. I made some decisions, some decisions were made for me. As is the flow of life. I'm stressed to the point of distress if you didn't notice. Things are out of control and I'm trying to control the things I can. Personally, I'm failing, but trying to keep that outward appearance of doggie paddling.

I have a pain that won't go away and I'm mad at the world and grumpy and I really don't like myself right now. Not even, in a self harm, self-deprecating kind of way. Just a tired of hearing myself complain, but tired of walking around in pain. Tired of expectations. Just tired. Need a serious mental health getaway like running away would solve the problems. Running away isn't logical but I'll be damned if it doesn't sound good amidst the chaos in my brain.

I know things will get better. That's how life works. Ups and downs and round and rounds. Things get better and then worse and then better again. But I need a moment. A pause. A chance to stand in the sun without the stress and pain and irritability. With some certainty that I can make it on my own. With some reassurance that I'm not doing life all wrong. So if you see me out in public, crying or screaming or numb to the world, know that I'm ok or I'm not but one way or the other I will be. In the eventual.

Until that time arrives, I'm asking for all your good vibes with all the love and light your hearts can muster, beautiful humans!