So last we spoke, I wrote a love letter to myself. I see it daily, it's hanging on the wall in my office. It listed everything I know I'm worthy of. It brought to attention everything I was missing out on by continuing a toxic relationship. Those words came from my heart and and I promised myself I would not settle for less again. From that day forward I took a new path for my life. I was gonna be independent and be the woman who has a plan and gets things handled by her self because I wasn't ready for another relationship. Made plans and new dreams and started putting one foot in front of the other on my way. I talked to people here and there, dated someone but nothing serious. I didn't want serious, I wanted some companionship. Being tied to someone else for the long-term was not in that plan. Y'all know what happens when you make plans, right? Yeah, so we're not even gonna pretend like that's how this chapter goes. I did buy myself this gorgeous tattoo that I love so much and I flew across the country by myself and visited my bestest in Cali for the first time since she moved there, many years ago.
I had so much fun and will always treasure that one on one time we got to have even in the midst of my ever evolving story. However, the "that escalated quickly," moment came in he form of a FB message on a random Thursday, from someone I hadn't spoken to in years. Sans, that one smart ass comment he'd left on a post I made about throwing axes but I digress. We'd known each other as teenagers. I may have had a tiny little crush on him back in the day but he wasn't interested in me and as most of my crushes back then I just let it go. He didn't choose me and well that was that. Things happened and time passed. We spoke here and there as we got older and realized we had both had feelings for each other we just didn't know it. Life had happened and we missed our chance. Eventually we were nearly strangers. Like, if I saw him obvi I'd speak but I'm awkward and well that wouldn't go anywhere (and my life in the past was plenty complicated.) The magic of Facebook still meant we were quasi friends. We saw each others highlight reals. He was happily married and successful (and had a truck, I loved... bahaha.) For a while there, I was also happily married and well, I don't know about successful but I was trying. My highlight reel didn't show all the other things that happened but if you've read this blog once or twice you know I got dark and complicated. Either way, life went on. I did know where he worked and what he drove and it happened to be that I drove by that place daily for years on my way to work before we got to talking again without ever once stopping to say Hi. I blame toxic complications. The Universe knew better. We needed some time individually.
Surprisingly, to my awkward and not-in-a-cute-way self, when he messaged me that day the conversation was so natural, and he asked me out. Embracing the single life but also wanting to have fun I was down, especially if I was getting food and to go throw axes. That sounds like a good time in my book lol. He had to work that weekend so we planned it for the next weekend he was off. I was looking forward to seeing him but I could wait, no big deal. I'm only a little bit impatient sometimes... maybe. We talked constantly for the next couple days; the (re-)connection was instant. He happened to end up with that Sunday off and decided he wanted to go out that evening. He asked my favorite restaurant and that's where we had dinner. (Smart man!) There wasn't much to do last minute on a Sunday but we went to see a movie (Aladdin, it was actually pretty good, IMO.) I'll admit it was a little awkward in person. We were both hesitant and shy and again, I'm awkward AF. That night when he dropped me off, I was like, ok maybe he isn't that into me. I mean, that's totally possible. I spent years with a person who was "not that into me." Nope, we just had an off night. We kept talking every day and spending time together... (that means he came to see me in the mornings after working 12 hours and before I went to work.) Our schedules were completely opposite but he put in sooooo much effort. It was truly refreshing. I don't know if y'all have picked up or not but ummm "I'm not looking for a relationship turned into, "You had my heart a long, long time ago," with a quickness. I was still a little gun-shy though. Ya girl was nervous about this serious relationship situation. I had made plans dammit.
I put on my big girl panties, and had the hard conversation. "I'm really not trying to move to fast." "I don't want to fall for nostalgia. Get caught up in the people we were back then." He is seriously the most understanding man I've ever met and he was completely down for it. I take responsibility for the fact that I last 2.76 seconds of taking things slow. We saw each other every morning, he came all the way to Wilson to see me for lunch during the week, we video-chatted every night. I fell hard. He told me he loved me but I didn't say it back. Honestly, how could he love me this soon? Is he sure? Is this just knew and exciting? I had been in a traumatically toxic relationship for years... do I even trust what my heart tells me is love? I was scared AF to say those words but music has a special place in my heart. It allows me to say so many things I can't always find the words for. I don't know if he remembered this or if he even knew it about me then but I had already told him in my own way just weeks into our relationship. I had shared the song "In Case You Didn't Know." However the day he said the words (out loud and on purpose for me to hear and I didn't say it back, I knew I had hurt him. It wasn't on purpose, I was just scared. So I sent him, "Don't Think I Can't Love You." I needed him to hear me even if he couldn't hear me. I did get around to telling him and I haven't gone a day without saying it since. A few months later, I moved in and this fairy tale has had some ups and downs but every moment with him has been a moment I cherish. He fulfills every single line of that list of things I was worthy of, daily.
When you find the right one, you know. Like, it just hits different. So when he asked me to marry him a year after we started dating my answer was (*nsfw*) FUCK, YES, OF COURSE I WILL, JACKASS!! Yeah, I have a way with words. LMFAO. Thankfully, he appreciates all my quirks. Al'um. I am grateful that all those plans I made got thrown out the window for the new plans we've made together. I did not see this coming but I am so hopeful for where we are going, together. It took some hard work getting to this place. a lot of working on myself, a lot of pain, a lot of learning, and I'm never finished, but I'm so much farther than I ever imagined I would be.
Remember the story of the bamboo. Plant your seeds. Water them. Let the sun shine on them. Care for them while they find their roots. Speak love unto them. Wait for them. Then sit back and watch them shoot high above you... because of you.
FYI, the hard work is totally worth it & you're doing fabulous, you beautiful human!
