...It's Not A Priority

This thought has been on my mind a lot lately. I see so many people I love and adore saying I wish I could do this thing but I don't have time, or I don't have money, or I should but I'm doing this other thing instead. Stop it. I read somewhere that you're always doing exactly what you want to be doing at any given time. You are. You might not like your job but you go to work because you want to because you want to pay your bills or buy yourself pretty thing or whatever you do with that money. You take on projects because you want to. You decided what to do with your time and in that moment you wanted to say yes, even if your insides are saying you didn't want to. If you didn't want to, you wouldn't have. You don't have money in savings because you wanted to spend it on something else. You don't workout because you wanted to do something else instead. You can't afford x because you wanted to buy y instead. You are always doing what you want to do. If you want to do it, there will be no excuses. Nothing changes if nothings changes so change the way you think about it. Change how you word that sentence. It's not that I can't afford to do this it just isn't a priority. It's not that I can't lose weight, it's that it isn't a priority. It's not that I don't have time for self care, it's that it isn't a priority. You should be a priority. The things you want should be important to you. But if your mind says can't then it's just making excuses and you need to have a little self-to-self talk and stop lying to yourself. You deserve better.

The Space Between Us

I started writing this blog because I needed an outlet that wasn't toxic. I was going through some things that I hadn't dealt with. Things that we happening that I needed to deal with. And this blog became that place I could go with those things. As you may have noticed, I haven't had much to say lately. Not that life hasn't been happening just that I wasn't moved to write. Today, 2 minutes from my job I found out my grandfather had passed away via a Facebook post. I knew he was given only days to live considering his diagnosis but finding out that way was jarring. Then again all other updates had been via text so it wasn't too unexpected, I guess.

My father's father. I had never really been close to that side of my family. When I was 6, my father died and all of a sudden it seemed like this invisible barrier was thrown up. I was 6 and enveloped with love from my mom's side of the family so I didn't exactly notice. But, when I made it to family gatherings for my dad's side (because my mom made that a priority until we were old enough to chose because she wanted them to be apart of our lives cause they were family,) I always felt like I was never comfortable. I never felt like I belonged. My brother and I were younger than our cousins and we didn't grow up with them like they did so there was not the same connection I knew with my other cousins who grew up as my siblings more than cousins. I was always quiet when we were there and such a big deal was made about it and attention brought to it which made me shrink in because I didn't like that. As I got older I was overweight, I'll never forget the first time someone made that clear with a sideways comment. It was at one of those family gatherings and it was so discouraging to have someone who didn't know much about me telling me I was overweight when I already didn't feel like I was one of "them".

As I got older a teenager and young adult, that space grew and there was never a time I felt comfortable reaching out. I was already an awkward teenager and I was still a child so how do you go about building broken relationships with adults who you didn't feel understood you, right? Then as an adult, I experienced a wedding that I honestly didn't expect anyone from that side to show for because I had chosen to marry someone of a different color and I had heard so many derogatory comments growing up. I had been told I just needed to understand why they didn't agree with my being in love with someone of a different race no matter how happy I was or how great he was to me. I am thankful for the 3 who showed even if they abruptly left. But that was another, you're not like us statement.

Between 2012 and 2017 I lost 3 very important people and my life was a downward spiral filled with depression for much of that. And a comment on Facebook or a like on a post was really the most I saw. And the space grew. Still, I did go visit my grandparents, even when I didn't show for family gatherings. We had one on one conversations. Even while my grandmother's memory started fading. I noticed it 3 years ago, for the first time in 28 years she didn't call and sign happy birthday or for the next 3 years and I know she has no control over that but the sadness it brought hit hard. But I would occasionally stop by or answer her phone calls asking questions that I knew she should've known. My mom made it a point to keep up with them and check in and listen to all the gossip my grandpa felt she should know lol. I went to see him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and for the first time ever, he complimented me instead of telling me I'd gained weight. He talked to me and told me he loved me. I knew then, that his prognosis was poor but that night I was able to have closure. And although, it may look on the outside that I don't care. That isn't remotely the case. There's just a lot of painful history to process. That doesn't mean the love isn't there. The love will always be there. For each of you. Even if we view things differently.

Rest peacefully Grandpa. To each of my family members, may you be wrapped with comfort. I love you.