BLAME IT ON THE RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RETROGRADE

Seriously though. I swear I've been in a perpetual bad mood for two weeks... in the least. I blame some of it on pain, some days it's PMS, some days it's my environment. Today it's retrograde. Maybe, it's me. Maybe I need a head doctor for reals. Control the stress, the anxiety, the mood swings, the cyclic depression. Maybe that isn't the answer... but I've tried the holistic and the yoga and the positive affirmations. I've worked out, I've rested, I've written out dreams and goals and made plans, but somehow I always end up back on my little hamster wheel. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. My proverbial cup isn't empty, it just has those few little droplets I can't seem to get too.

Life isn't always bad. I'm not a pessimist... I try to be an optimist but mostly just get hit with the realism. I wish I could be positive all the time. There's a regular Jiminey in my life who I sometimes envy because she has such grace and poise and positivity and while I strive for her greatness, I often fail. I haven't quiet gotten aold of giving myself grace yet and I still have a habit of taking on the negative thoughts and view in my head. Especially when it comes to me. Hell, I stayed out of my mind for years because I couldn't stand that girl. She was worthless and made the worst decisions.

I don't hate me anymore. But some days, some days I can't stop the noise. The useless, pathetic, annoying female echoes in my brain and the tears that fall and reinforce how much I give life to what I'm hearing. In the sunlight, I know the logic, I do. I'm not those things but when you're at your weakest you forget you at your strongest. And thinking happy thoughts doesn't really fix it. In those moments, you forget that there is happiness. I try to focus my energy on helping others. By letting their lives give mine purpose when I can't seem to find my own purpose.

That's the root right there. I don't know my own purpose. I thought I found it once but it turns out that wasn't the case. Here I am, nearly 30. Broke. Working at a job that would replace me in a second, rather than make sure I can afford to eat. (Speaking of, so need to get my eating habits under control... and stop letting my mood affect my motivation. Another story, another day.) I have those goals and dreams I mentioned earlier. I have a vision board in front of me at work and one hanging on my bedroom door that I see every day. I'm not without vision, only purpose.

I'm stuck in the planning stages. How do I turn those goals into reality when I stand so firmly in my own way so often. It drives me to the brink of insanity. Constantly planning, and then dropping the ball on handling it. Most days, I need help to survive, but I don't say that. I'd rather be the strong one than the one who admits they can't do something. I hate pride, so often it is the source of issue. I know it gets me down, but I usually don't ask for help, because those who could help have struggles of their own. I see them, I hear them, because so often I am the voice of reason. And burdening those I care about is something I try to avoid.

I just keep telling myself, like my mama always told me, "What's meant to be will be." I don't stop working for what I want but I know I can't really control it either. Only continue on my path. And one day everything will be okay... it has to be.


I wish you a fabulous day beautiful humans. You're amazing!

She's The Quiet One With The RBF

You ever think about what it would be like to not be the shy one? The quiet one? The one everyone always thinks is mad? I do. My small circle probably thinks I never shut up but they know around new people and in new situations I don't interact. I don't want to be hugged or touched. I'm a cuddler and I love affection but on a very, small and intimate scale. People treat you differently. Either because they think you're rude or stuck up or because they don't understand or know how to interact with you.

It's frustrating for sure but I've been this way all my life so it's all I know. I have taken many strides to be as social is I am. To interact with strangers at a store. To hug family members. To not sit on the couch and just observe at family gatherings. To try to put myself out into the world the way the "people who succeed" do. Because let's face it, usually you have to be an outgoing extrovert to be heard. I'm not outgoing, and I'm not an extrovert. Although, I love being in public and feeling the energy of those around me, it's exhausting.


Recharging is so very necessary. I spend a lot of time alone. I have random conversations that will never happen in my head. I make all the plans and do all the things for people except (unless I bite the bullet and do the things when no one is looking) often they'll never know I even considered half the things I do. Being an introvert is hard. Being a shy introvert is the hardest. I say things that people don't hear. I do things that people never see. Sometimes it's nice to be invisible. Other times it's lonely.

Don't judge people for not being like you. Don't assume they're mean because they don't smile and they're quiet. Don't intimidate them in to being like you. Understand that all people are different. All interactions aren't what you expect them to be. Don't assume you can't have a real friendship with someone just because they aren't talking your ear off. Sometimes those people need someone like me to do all the listening. But when I speak, take a seat a lend an ear. And when I need to recharge, don't take it personally.We can hang out on the couch and binge watch Big Bang Theory in silence and still be bonding.

This goes for family too. Don't treat your loved ones differently just because they don't stand out from the crowd. I've always felt the pressure from different people because I wasn't who they expected me to be just because we share blood. Realize, that isn't how biology works. We're not clones. And especially at the holidays, when you see family you don't see very often. There is no fault for being different. For observing. For being silent. Accept it. You wanna be loud and entertaining? We the quiet people appreciate the entertainment.

Have the happiest of all the holidays, beautiful humans!