Roller coasters are fun. But only at theme parks. Roller coasters in life. Not so much. It's safe to say these last couple of weeks have been absolutely sickening on the tracks. It isn't news that I've been exhausted at all. Like, that's where this blog came from. But watching my best friend lose her love and then losing my grandpa. Yeah my emotional bank has been spent.
I've seen my mama lose two loves of her life, I've watched her lose her mother. And now we share the experience of losing our fathers. I knew it was coming. My grandpa turned 91 and was admitted to the hospital that very same day. I remember seeing a statistic about the elderly dying around the time of their birth. It sounds a little mystical that a cycle of life ending near the anniversary of your birth.
I've also noticed that people tend to prepare themselves to leave this world and to end their era. They talk about old times. Tie up loose ends. Make it a point to see the ones they love one last time. All the signs were there. At 91, he was tired and he was ready to be with his Myrt. I totally understand that.
When I got the call that he had, had a massive heart attack and they were calling in the family I was mad. Like quick, fast and in a hurry. I was mad that I had to feel so much loss in my life. I was mad that my Mema wasn't here. Then I was and at myself because she should ever have to feel that loss of a husband. She suffered enough even though I truly feel she had a full life. Mostly I was mad that my mama had to feel this pain of loss one more time.
It's not fair but you know loss is never fair. It's just a part of life that we have to go through. Logic is in my mind but emotion often wins. I can know all the things and still feel the betrayal of the universe. That things keep going. There are still bills to be paid and work to be done. Hell, I have a midterm due right now. Honestly though, those things can wait right now. I promise they'll be there tomorrow and if they aren't, a new adventure will begin.
I keep being reminded that life is too short to not enjoy every minute of it. I also get reminded that family is family and you should be there for one another. That second one I'm struggling with a little. I've always been about family first and foremost but we're all adults and getting older by the second and there are people I see who grew from the same cells I did acting a straight fool and getting away with it.
I know in my heart I have to love them. But liking them isn't a requirement. In fact, learning that life is too short is how I learned that some things are truly worth letting go. Not kicking beneath your shoe per se but not exploiting your emotions for. That will hurt you more than it will help them and sometimes you is who you have to focus on.
I walked in a cemetery today. One I have spent a lot of time in. When I was little I knew where one grave site was. It was near a tree as soon as you pulled in and it is where my daddy was laid to rest when I was 6 years old. Over the next two decades I have watched many people I love and care about move into that same cemetery. It's a sad fact to realize but it is what it is. So I will give what I can of my love and my heart. But I will not put myself in one of those graves (figuratively speaking, I have every intention of being cremated and planted with a tree. I decided that a long time ago just FYI.)
In memory of my pa♡
the giver of my hoarding genes and these ridiculously thick eyebrows
**note to self--go take out an insurance policy. I will not leave my family my ridiculous debt.**
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