Sometimes Your Mind Is Changed For You

So the other day I had every intention of writing about religion. Something struck a cord in me and it irked me and I wanted to write about spirituality and religion. And now it's gone. Oh well, maybe I shall find my spiritual voice some other day.

I got back a grade on the first paper I'd written in over a decade. You know what I learned. I'm a shitty writer. Yeah, I've wrote pages and paragraphs up here for my enjoyment, for my escape but in the academic world, I suck. I have just recently admitted to people that I really enjoy writing, including this particular teacher.My feedback wasn't available until today but maybe that's a good thing. It kind of made me want to completely give up.

I'm already failing biology (which I'm supposed to be working on about 300 questions right now due in less than 3 hours.) but I suck at that too. I've been staring at the same 50 questions for 2 hours. I've been failing English but not based on my writing skills, based on my lack of time. I'm failing like 3 classes. I've basically decided I'm not good enough for this. There are a lot of things I'm not good enough for but who's counting.

Reading that feedback had me in tears. It reiterated just how much I am not cut out for this. I already started to realize I'm not cut out for a 4-year college. I'm making moves to change my major to something a typical nearly-30 year old would do. I'm overworked and under paid already. Might as well make changes for do service work over a job that's only focused on making the rich richer.

I am still just as lost as I was 2 years ago and you know what? It still hurts like hell. My life is passing faster each day and I really don't know if I'll ever find happiness and contentment or excitement and adventure. The highlight of my life right now is trying to get my decade old Saturn fixed because that's the only thing I really have that's mine.

I can feel the depression creeping back in. I'm fighting but I'll be damned if that bitch ain't fighting back. There is just too much going on and it's all out of control. I need to take a step back. I need to find myself. I need to love myself again. I'm letting myself go and it's making me feel so worthless. I need some control back in my life.