Work Harder On Yourself Than Anything Else

This title has become a theme in my life lately. So as ou may or may not know, I started working on myself physically in August of 2015 when I did my first AdvoCare 24 day Jumpstart. Since then, I've had a number of mental moments including but not limited to: depression, anxiety, and self deprecation. I've made little adjustments to relieve those incidents. Made changes in my personal life, adjust my finances around, made time here and there for myself, started working out for my sanity, began yoga. So I've put in some hours trying to figure this thing out. But you know what, I still have worked hard enough on myself.

You see, I'm a constant work in progress and will be until the day I stop breathing. Earlier this month, I went to AdvoCare's Success School. It's a huge event with lots of information but one of my favorite parts is the inspiration and motivation that pours into that stadium. It's truly an amazing experience. Work harder on yourself  than anything else was one of my biggest takeaways that weekend. I realized that while I had been working on my physical self , my surrounding environment, and my outside stressors but not once had I worked on me from the inside. I talked about it but I didn't really put in the work.

Shortly after, Success School, I started listening to the "Notes on Success." It's a compilation of messages recorded on various occasions by late AdvoCare Founder, Charles E. Ragus. It's incredible. I've listened to it 4 times in the last two weeks. Yes, it's that powerful. Once again, that phrase appeared. "You have to work harder on you than anything else..." And since I've heard it 4 times now it's really started to make me think. It made me want to really look inside and see what I could do about me. To see what changes I could make inside of me that would release ripples of change, ripples of success, ripples of grace and kindness, into the world around me.

I had made some goals after that trip to Texas and one of them was reading a leadership book every other month. That doesn't sound like much, but I also read for fun so my idea was that I could mix in leadership and fantasy world reading and create balance. I didn't know what kind of book or have an idea of a title but I was gonna do it. Fast forward, to last week and a friend posting about hosting an online book study group on The Fringe Hours, (see my post yesterday), and although it wasn't technically a leadership book it is about making you better by taking care of you. And really taking care of you enables you to be the best leader you can be. I'm so glad I did that. I'm so glad I took that step. I've never done a book study with a anyone so it was something new, but my heart knew it was something important.

I've also noticed the people around me are searching for this too. Seeing something in their life isn't where it should be. Not knowing what it is or where to start fixing it and I think they may be where I am. Needing to look inside and see what to do there. You don't have to post a big blog post like me, this is my therapy. But you can take a small quiet step just for you to make some of those inner changes. Because you can only control what you can control so don't try to do the impossible. We're all in a season and seasons change so getting overwhelmed isn't gonna help. 

I have taken some real steps to becoming my best me by looking at the woman in the mirror, to paraphrase Michael Jackson. I have to be the change I want to see in the world. It's about not giving up on the things I tell myself I'm gonna do for me. Yesterday, I posted a question on facebook asking for some different self love/self empowerment books and I got quite a few suggestions, especially in my inbox. So I created a wishlist on Amazon for myself and you can click on it and explore the titles for yourself. Head's up all the titles are not the most family friendly so just beware if that's something that bothers you. But these were suggestions given to me both faith and non faith based.

I hope you find a gem  Let me know if you found something different to add to the list. Or if this rings at all true to you. Maybe if you just need someone to talk to. I'll do my best, just like I know you will too. Now go out and be happy, little, beautiful humans surrounded in the good vibes you're sending out!

This One's For The Girls...

Sometimes I sit and wonder what in the world I am doing with my life. Some days I'm like yep this, this is where I'm supposed to be. More often than not though, I'm sitting and stressing over what I HAVE to do so I don't disappoint someone else. So I hold myself to what someone else needs or wants me to do rather than take care of myself and say no when I need to say no.

That look of disappointment from a loved one when you know what decision they wanted you to make and you can feel them calling you selfish for choosing to make yourself happy for a second. That letting down friends because you really just don't want to be social. That not choosing to do something that you're expected to do because you really just can't and you want to be there and prove yourself and do all the things but it's gonna be the straw that breaks your back if you add one more piece.

Recently, I joined a group of ladies to start reading the book The Fringe Hours and I am soooo happy I did. Y'all all that disappointment I was talking about and self doubt. Apparently, every woman deals with it. I'm not saying I don't hurt those feels of those people I let down but most of that guilt I feel on the inside is self imposed. I did that. I don't give myself permission to do what I need. I don't give myself permission to venture out and live my own life. I am mean to me. You know what happens when you're mean to you? Everyone else whether inadvertently or not is mean to you too.

That's right, by not giving yourself permission to live your best life you are giving others permission to steal your joy, even if they don't mean to. Stop it. Say to yourself, right now, "I deserve my best life." Because you do. Letting go of things is hard. Moving on is hard. But not doing the best for you will kill you faster than you ever expected. Don't be afraid to stand up for you and your needs. Don't be afraid to be your own advocate.

I'm not saying to turn your back on your loved ones with a "whateva, I do what I want" type of attitude. But whatever you do don't be what's blocking you. Find your best fit. it might not be balanced 50/50. Maybe you're a 70/30 or an 80/20 kind of girl but never forget that if you give your 100% to the world there's nothing left of you. Be the most amazing beautiful human you can be!!

Lucky In Life

I realize more and more how fortunate I was to have a mom who trusted and respected me and allowed me to make decisions for myself growing up. She gave me opportunities for experiences and chances to learn things and accept things that others around me would never receive. I really took it for granted that other people were allowed to live their lives just like I was, but they weren't. Many lived under so much control and missed out on so much.

For that, I just want to tell my mama thank you. When my anxiety strikes and I lash out or shut down. Those days when I don't want to be hugged. Those days when I need too much. You never let me down and I am blessed. No wonder everyone claimed you. You are truly one of a kind and I aspire to be the mother you have been to me, one day.

You're the greatest and Shorty and I are so lucky to get to have you. And I know we don't say it or show it enough but just know that we never forget the fabulous woman who brought us to this Earth. I love you mama!

*proceed with the tears*

A Journey of Growth Isn't One of Comfort

This past weekend I took a big step outside of my comfort zone. I flew halfway a across the country for the second time in 6 months. Except, this time I was "all by myself." It was probably the scariest thing I've done in awhile. It's no secret that I'm a southern country girl. I accept that. So maneuvering airports, especially DFW which is the size of a small town, and renting a car for the first time and driving myself through a big city I know nothing about was nerve racking. But I did it. Each step I was like, "ok, one more step, you got this." And you know what? I did have it.  Yes, I was meeting some amazing people there but I was stepping all out of my bubble. I have a tendency to do what I know. But I committed to this and, well, I was gonna see it through.

I'm so glad I did. I went looking for something. I didn't know what but it was something. See, last summer, when I left Success School, I really thought I had a plan. I had figured out my purpose in life and I was ready. I paid off my first credit card and I was on my way Except it didn't work out that way, and my world crumbled shortly thereafter. I was devastated and depressed again and going through the motions. It was not a fun time to be me. And while I pulled myself back together into a semblance of "got it together adult," I was still a little lost on my future. I was focused on work, and starting back to school (again,) but I had just accepted that it was gonna take me a million years to pay off my debt so I was just gonna not even.

Enter, February 1st. The day of conquering. I did it. I got into that stadium and surrounded by familiar faces and opened up my hearts ears ready to be poured into. And I was. There were 3 big takeaways for me. The first was a story about a young woman who at 27 years old had no children, owned a Saturn and had close to $30,000 worth of debt. At 30, she was living with her mom; she was broke and broken. She was me. She's now 34 and she has an amazing life at her fingertips. She showed me what my past could mean for my future.

The second story was about a young lady who at 21 had everything life could ask for because she worked hard and stayed focused. She had no idea where she was going with it though. She didn't know what set her heart on fire. She knew she could make choices but a life without a purpose as I've discussed before is one you don't hold onto. But you know what she told me? your purpose will surface. Just because I don't have all the answers right now I can work towards it. I won't be lost forever. I'm fixing the roof before it rains. I took that advice and set myself small attainable goals: 1 month, 3 months, 6 months and a year out. Things I could work toward till I found my vision.

The last on, taught me that Rome wasn't built in a day. She made sure I knew that I could change my direction, one degree at a time. I didn't have to put all this pressure on myself to figure it all out yesterday. Setting goals that I can meet will keep me encouraged. So no matter how small that goal may seem, I will celebrate it. As long as I'm headed in the right direction I'm doing just fine. She also said, my direction will change again and that's okay too. I have to change directions more than once to make real progress in my future. Life takes twists and turns all the time and I am fired up to see where this yellow brick road leads. 

I want to thank these ladies. You see, they have no idea who I am today, but one day they will. Cynthia Pena, Lauren Kirshblum, and Kristie McGihon(who I kinda geeked about seeing in the airport lol), thank you for your stories. Thank you for your inspiration. Y'all left a mark on me that I am so grateful for and I look forward to growing just as you did. An Emerald 9 star, a rising star, a hall of famer. Amazing ladies to look up to. This company has given me an opportunity, but the culture of Advocare is love and acceptance to see me where I stand and that is something I can never be too grateful for. And Torrie and Cricket, thank you ladies for cheerleading when I need it but more so for caring when you didn't have to. For showing me this is about relationships and friendships over everything..

We win by helping others win. It's not about me. It's about helping other people, help other people. Truly a one of a kind community. I'm so lucky to have landed here.

New Year, Better Solutions

So the likelihood of sticking to a new year's resolution is a mere 8% chance. Those are horrible odds. But we normally pick resolutions that are great in theory and difficult in execution and have therefore set ourselves up for failure. It's a horrible cycle. I mean it's great that we have hope every year but to disappoint yourself over and over has to cause some sort of self deprecation. Instead of making one big resolution, I've decided to give myself mini challenges.

Challenge one: "No Spend January." I get how ridiculous that sounds but when broken down it's pretty amazing. Every day or so we spend money on things we want and either don't need or can't afford. I know this because that's how I reached such and insurmountable debt. But even without credit cards, A trip to lunch here, or this cure shirt because it was on sale or that cute thing you just wanna try. Little purchases that add up and you don't even realize how much you're really overspending.

You don't have to spend every last drop of your paycheck every month. It's amazing how few people live within their means, let alone below their means. So I've decided to do it. For one month and if it goes well, another. People do no spend years. I'm not there yet, but maybe one day. For now, gas, groceries and bills will be my only expenses. I know I can do this and hopefully learn some tricks to better finances along the way.

Challenge two: "No Weigh Month." As someone who consistently weighs herself everyday at the exact same day, on the same scale that sits in the same place... This one is a hard habit to break actually. I'm 5 days in and it's honestly driving me a bit crazy but I can do this. I'm 1/6th of the WEIGH there after all. I did this so that I could focus my attention on eating right and moving and not just how the scale may have changed each day.

 I enjoy those calculations because it helps to know your body and how different things, exercise, nutrition and hormones can all cause fluctuations but sometimes it's good to just relax and see what happens. Just be in the moment. Something I learned from yoga. To not obsess and just be. I do have things I want to do in this new year that are just challenges. Like break the plateau into ONEderland and do more yoga and murder my debt but these are long term goals that I hope to continue forward with without fail, not just for a new year, new me situation.

I did try something new this year. I'm doing something that I've seen many friends do and that's assign myself a word. Over the last 6 months, I've talked a lot about not being kind to myself. Not giving myself grace. I decided grace should be my word for myself. No just to be kind and forgiving to myself for my actions and thoughts but for those of the people I surround myself with and for those I will meet along my path.

Grace is a tricky one for me as I'm sure it is for most people because even when I feel my heart is kind I know I catch an attitude when I shouldn't. I know I say things out of turn that aren't my business. I know I make judgements unfairly. I know I sometimes hold myself to an unlivable standard. To change these things, I must find grace in every situation that crosses me and I know that will be a challenge but it's one I feel is due my time and attention.

So here's to a new year. To finding the best solutions for me. For finding kindness for myself and those around me. To striving for my best, even when it's difficult. Here's to my best year so far and to yours too. Embrace this chance for a better chapter, beautiful humans!

BLAME IT ON THE RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RETROGRADE

Seriously though. I swear I've been in a perpetual bad mood for two weeks... in the least. I blame some of it on pain, some days it's PMS, some days it's my environment. Today it's retrograde. Maybe, it's me. Maybe I need a head doctor for reals. Control the stress, the anxiety, the mood swings, the cyclic depression. Maybe that isn't the answer... but I've tried the holistic and the yoga and the positive affirmations. I've worked out, I've rested, I've written out dreams and goals and made plans, but somehow I always end up back on my little hamster wheel. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. My proverbial cup isn't empty, it just has those few little droplets I can't seem to get too.

Life isn't always bad. I'm not a pessimist... I try to be an optimist but mostly just get hit with the realism. I wish I could be positive all the time. There's a regular Jiminey in my life who I sometimes envy because she has such grace and poise and positivity and while I strive for her greatness, I often fail. I haven't quiet gotten aold of giving myself grace yet and I still have a habit of taking on the negative thoughts and view in my head. Especially when it comes to me. Hell, I stayed out of my mind for years because I couldn't stand that girl. She was worthless and made the worst decisions.

I don't hate me anymore. But some days, some days I can't stop the noise. The useless, pathetic, annoying female echoes in my brain and the tears that fall and reinforce how much I give life to what I'm hearing. In the sunlight, I know the logic, I do. I'm not those things but when you're at your weakest you forget you at your strongest. And thinking happy thoughts doesn't really fix it. In those moments, you forget that there is happiness. I try to focus my energy on helping others. By letting their lives give mine purpose when I can't seem to find my own purpose.

That's the root right there. I don't know my own purpose. I thought I found it once but it turns out that wasn't the case. Here I am, nearly 30. Broke. Working at a job that would replace me in a second, rather than make sure I can afford to eat. (Speaking of, so need to get my eating habits under control... and stop letting my mood affect my motivation. Another story, another day.) I have those goals and dreams I mentioned earlier. I have a vision board in front of me at work and one hanging on my bedroom door that I see every day. I'm not without vision, only purpose.

I'm stuck in the planning stages. How do I turn those goals into reality when I stand so firmly in my own way so often. It drives me to the brink of insanity. Constantly planning, and then dropping the ball on handling it. Most days, I need help to survive, but I don't say that. I'd rather be the strong one than the one who admits they can't do something. I hate pride, so often it is the source of issue. I know it gets me down, but I usually don't ask for help, because those who could help have struggles of their own. I see them, I hear them, because so often I am the voice of reason. And burdening those I care about is something I try to avoid.

I just keep telling myself, like my mama always told me, "What's meant to be will be." I don't stop working for what I want but I know I can't really control it either. Only continue on my path. And one day everything will be okay... it has to be.


I wish you a fabulous day beautiful humans. You're amazing!

She's The Quiet One With The RBF

You ever think about what it would be like to not be the shy one? The quiet one? The one everyone always thinks is mad? I do. My small circle probably thinks I never shut up but they know around new people and in new situations I don't interact. I don't want to be hugged or touched. I'm a cuddler and I love affection but on a very, small and intimate scale. People treat you differently. Either because they think you're rude or stuck up or because they don't understand or know how to interact with you.

It's frustrating for sure but I've been this way all my life so it's all I know. I have taken many strides to be as social is I am. To interact with strangers at a store. To hug family members. To not sit on the couch and just observe at family gatherings. To try to put myself out into the world the way the "people who succeed" do. Because let's face it, usually you have to be an outgoing extrovert to be heard. I'm not outgoing, and I'm not an extrovert. Although, I love being in public and feeling the energy of those around me, it's exhausting.


Recharging is so very necessary. I spend a lot of time alone. I have random conversations that will never happen in my head. I make all the plans and do all the things for people except (unless I bite the bullet and do the things when no one is looking) often they'll never know I even considered half the things I do. Being an introvert is hard. Being a shy introvert is the hardest. I say things that people don't hear. I do things that people never see. Sometimes it's nice to be invisible. Other times it's lonely.

Don't judge people for not being like you. Don't assume they're mean because they don't smile and they're quiet. Don't intimidate them in to being like you. Understand that all people are different. All interactions aren't what you expect them to be. Don't assume you can't have a real friendship with someone just because they aren't talking your ear off. Sometimes those people need someone like me to do all the listening. But when I speak, take a seat a lend an ear. And when I need to recharge, don't take it personally.We can hang out on the couch and binge watch Big Bang Theory in silence and still be bonding.

This goes for family too. Don't treat your loved ones differently just because they don't stand out from the crowd. I've always felt the pressure from different people because I wasn't who they expected me to be just because we share blood. Realize, that isn't how biology works. We're not clones. And especially at the holidays, when you see family you don't see very often. There is no fault for being different. For observing. For being silent. Accept it. You wanna be loud and entertaining? We the quiet people appreciate the entertainment.

Have the happiest of all the holidays, beautiful humans!

#%&@

Ever just feel like you have so much to say and stand unable to form the words. Unable to scream or just not. Stuck somewhere in time, in Limbo. Screaming at the top of your lungs in silence. The urge to lay and not function but having to function because you have no other choice. Coherent meeting incoherence. Nothing makes sense at all.

Yeah, that sounds like some crazy rambling... an unending mess of words but damn if it doesn't explain how I'm feeling right now in this very moment. Recently, some things changed. I made some decisions, some decisions were made for me. As is the flow of life. I'm stressed to the point of distress if you didn't notice. Things are out of control and I'm trying to control the things I can. Personally, I'm failing, but trying to keep that outward appearance of doggie paddling.

I have a pain that won't go away and I'm mad at the world and grumpy and I really don't like myself right now. Not even, in a self harm, self-deprecating kind of way. Just a tired of hearing myself complain, but tired of walking around in pain. Tired of expectations. Just tired. Need a serious mental health getaway like running away would solve the problems. Running away isn't logical but I'll be damned if it doesn't sound good amidst the chaos in my brain.

I know things will get better. That's how life works. Ups and downs and round and rounds. Things get better and then worse and then better again. But I need a moment. A pause. A chance to stand in the sun without the stress and pain and irritability. With some certainty that I can make it on my own. With some reassurance that I'm not doing life all wrong. So if you see me out in public, crying or screaming or numb to the world, know that I'm ok or I'm not but one way or the other I will be. In the eventual.

Until that time arrives, I'm asking for all your good vibes with all the love and light your hearts can muster, beautiful humans!

Carry On

On this lovely Halloween day, I've started to look forward to the season of Thanksgiving that is on it's way. I've taken a step back to reflect. I've come to the realization that no matter what, life will always be unpredictable. There is legitimately no way to avoid a roller coaster style drop or twist or turn. Sometimes you really do just have to roll with the punches and ride out the waves.

I have noticed that mindfully staying positive can save you in so many ways. It also promotes a sense of positivity in the world around you. Encouraging others will serve you and them in ways you never imagined possible. There is never a time to neglect yourself. There is never a time to sweep your needs under the proverbial rug. There is always a time to help other.

I've put a lot of thought into perspective and questioning whether my “wisdom” really considers others perspectives and why they see things the way they do. I try to consciously look from the point-of-view of those around me. It isn't easy but it I feel like it makes me feel more empathetic, understanding, and even giving me more confidence in my beliefs.

This all sounds good and well, right, but I'm not perfect. I'm merely human and will never claim the ideal of perfection. My goal is to stay focused and mindful. I work hard and help others and try to remind myself not to stress of that which I can't control. Hopefully, my ripples have a positive effect on the world around me but if not at least I can say I tried. Good intentions and all that.

I fell behind on my grateful days commitment. I didn't grow less grateful but life happened. I continued to workout and have probably surpassed my 50 workout goal it's just not documented the way I planned. I promise to do better next time. I have tried to stay on track with taking time for me and taking care of me. And I will continue on that path even if I trip sometimes.

Now, for you, I challenge you. Don't worry it's easy and it's all for you. You don't have to do a kind act, even though that's totally an option. You don't have to post for the worlds approval. Just you. Write down one positive statement about yourself. In the am, before bed, at lunch, whenever. Just come up with one thing. You may not notice it at first but your entire outlook will start to change.

You are a beautiful human, carry on.  

"Taby, You Know You're Fat, Right?"

Truth moment. In the summer of 2015 someone told me I was fat. To my face. And it hurt.

Since the 6th grade, I've always been the bigger girl. I had permanent RBF but I felt generally invisible. I had a small circle that over time got smaller. By their choices or mine. But eventually I found my tribe. The people who reminded me I was Beautiful. Period.

It was great. However, that didn't stop depression, anxiety, or self destruction. Tragedy in 2012 was the catalyst to my dark days and another tragedy in 2015 was my anticatalyst.

So here I am working my way through the fallout and someone tells me I'm fat. After everything I've been thru. And it stings. It stays with me in a way it shouldn't. I was mad at me and at them. As it turns out, that was rather important to my story.

I may have accepted me but I really was unhealthy and I had done a number on my body trying to escape reality. So in August of 2015, I made a change. A small change. I committed to 24 days. I charged it to a credit card (my massive credit card debt) and said if it didn't work, oh well.

I'd tried things before that didn't work. What's one more chance. I'm good at that, chances. But then, I lost 10 lbs and 15 inches in a little over 3 weeks. It sounded crazy, but I could see it so obviously it happened. I realized though that I felt better inside and out.

Focusing on my health helped me more than just physically. Mentally and emotionally I was being healed. I had hurt myself for so long and my being appreciated that I was being kind to it. It was a nice change.

So I stuck with it. Yeah, I don't always stay focused. I still fight with my anxiety and my depression. But I'm not falling down that spiral staircase like I did for 3 years. I've made positive changes. I eat better, usually. I workout for my strength and my sanity. I make time for me emotionally and spiritually.

I realize that I did myself dirty for so long and I deserve better. I deserve the love and happiness I put into the world... Even if I have to make it myself sometimes. That one I'm still struggling with, but admitting it's out there makes the idea of being happy a plausible reality. And that adds fuel to my fire of hope.

Have a blessed day, beautiful human!

Wake Up & Do The Things

If you asked me a few weeks ago if I was okay, you would've gotten a resounding and unapologetic no. If you ask me that same question this week, I guess it depends on the the hour. Logically, I know I'm going to be okay. But people who think with their hearts are usually less prone to logical reactions. My emotions are my enemy and my friend. My heart, my blessing and my curse. I don't regret that I do everything with my heart. It's who I am. It's who I've always been and although I suffer from RBF, I'm far from a hard candy shell.

 Alas, here I am, getting up every day and getting the things done. Going above and beyond for others. Spreading goodness into the world in the small ripples that I make. I mean I'm not all peace, love and rainbows, no matter how hard I try. My mouth is less sailor-like than a few years ago but the f-bombs still fly and my road rage is at status quo. And my hormones, bless them, because once I get in my feelings I get lost in Wonderland and my reactions are not my own. 

 I'm trying to "get my life together," whatever that means. I'm paying down my monstrosity of debt, I'm saving for my future, I'm splurging at the Walmart. I'm trying to feed my body and keep her moving and keep her hydrated. Walks alone on a trail, yoga with the yogis, sweating and hitting the weights. All little steps to better my physical self as well as my metaphysical self. My thoughts are my worst enemy at times and I can ugly cry with the best of 'em. I realize, I only get one life and there is no time for wasting away.

I'm taking on new challenges. Learning the new things, creating the art, taking chances and stepping out of the comfort of my 4 walls in a way I never really considered before. You see, this place I'm at is a place I've never been. Like, ever. So while it may look as though I'm in rut and going no where, I'm exploring the life that surrounds me so I can find the life I've been looking for, essentially. 

It's known to some but not to most, but every time I make a wish, I wish for happiness. All my life, well since I knew happiness was out there and I didn't feel it, I've wished for happiness. Birthday cakes, eye lashes, dandelions, shooting stars, every 11:11, I've always wished for happiness. I thought I found it once or twice, but I guess I was wrong. I think wonder if maybe I didn't know what happiness actually looked like or maybe I was expecting to find it in the wrong places. 

I've been given an opportunity, in this new place I've been dropped, to truly figure it out. In ways and opportunities I never would've imagined for myself. These are the days, that I truly realize just how grateful I am for all the things I've ever said I was grateful for. My support system has risen above and beyond. I am not the certain of the Universe and I know there are quite the shitty and sad things going on around us, everyday, but I am the center of the Universe I have to live in everyday.  I have to hear these thoughts and feel these feels and I'm so glad I'm getting to know the person inside me more and more. 

Shit doesn't just happen. People make choices. Those choices cause ripples. That's how life works. I'm just trying to make my ripples something to be proud of. Something that lights my soul on fire. I love you, beautiful humans. That's the gift I give freely to the world. Do with it as you wish.

Player One Leveled Up

I can't believe it's been nearly a month since I last posted. It's like I was on a high and then tragedy stuck. It's my own personal tragedy but it was unexpected and heart-wrenching and it threw all my hard work in the trash. Ever felt like you were useless? A floor mat at best. A stepping stone. Yeah, me too. My last post was about appreciation and value. And then to feel so undervalued. It was a slap in the face. My troubles are my own and I will move on. I put one foot in front of the other because that's the only choice I was given. Was it fair? No, but as we're often reminded life isn't fair. I wallowed and I cried... hell, I still cry. I still go through the motions of each day but as long as I don't quit I haven't lost.

I am Queen of the Hopefuls, no matter how hopeless that may sound. Giving up isn't in my DNA, loyalty is. I had decided the path my life was going down and now that path doesn't exist. So, my new plan is to live a life I can look back on and truly appreciate the experiences I've been through. I will do the yoga, stay healthy, get outside my comfort zone. I will find the trails and the rivers and paint with all the colors of the wind. (All kinds of Pocohontas over here.) I will take the pictures and get the tattoo. I will take the trips. I never wanted to live life alone but if alone is all I have right now I will still go out and live the life. 

I have committed to me. Because I am what I got. Yeah, I have family and friends but as a general rule it's just me. I'm an introvert so me has usually been all I've ever had and it's ok. Of course I want to share my life with someone because cuddles and kisses and love are what everyone deserves, if that's what they want. But for now, to Philly and the Caribbean and to Dallas and Disney, I'm choosing my own adventure. To enjoying the life I've been given and not accepting disrespect and pain. I have always known I will be the one who gives more than she receives but I won't accept less than makes me happy. 

In other news: I have fallen off on counting workouts and selfies but I'm still so very grateful for so many things in my life and I'm still working out and getting things done. I'm still working my way to ONE-derland and I still have an amazing support system. I have goals that I'm crushing everyday and I'm getting healthier and stronger every single day.  A little progress pic from my July post >>>(http://www.beautifulhappyplace.com/2017/07/stick-and-stay.html)

The SWEATING:

Sweat Camp 10 Week Fitness Challenge starts September 30th. Homework assignments interspersed throughout the face-to-face meetings. A great way to focus on your fitness and see real improvement. I'll be there because I am my wisest investment. 

https://www.facebook.com/NoLimitTraining203/

The YOGA:

I do yoga at home... and sometimes work, but there's something awesome about doing yoga with like minded people. And there is certainly something magickal about St. Anne's Chapel. So Monday, I plan to join those like-minded folks and get my namaste on. Wanna go?!

https://www.stanneschapel.com/

https://www.facebook.com/pg/SaintAnnesChapel/about/?ref=page_internal

https://www.facebook.com/events/667528323445425/?acontext=%7B%22ref%22%3A%2222%22%2C%22feed_story_type%22%3A%2222%22%2C%22action_history%22%3A%22null%22%7D&pnref=story

The NUTRITION:

I'm happy to introduce you to the love of my life, Spark, at anytime whatsoever. If you're looking to focus on what you're putting in your body and how to fuel your body the right way, I'd love to share my Advocare story with you. Like all good stories, it started with a challenge!

Yell It From The Mountain Tops

There are days when you wanna cry when you walk out the door and days when you just can't help but be happy. Today was the latter. I didn't have a particularly stressful day but there wasn't really anything special about, I'm just in a good mood. Whereas yesterday, I wanted to cry for no particular reason. People are complicated. However, yesterday I forgot my crystal quartz at home and today is is adorning my neck and I'm totally relating those two. I've been slowly working on my chakras and I truly believe that root one is almost fixed and then I shall be on to the sacral. If you don't believe in crystals or chakras, that's your prerogative. I a firm believer in do what works for you. 

 

This morning, I had a very happy mom & daughter sit at my desk and read my wall and ask about my necklace. I explained that I was promoting all the positivity in this little area. She read my posted quote and asked if I lived by it. If you have ever read this before you know I do in fact speak of this quote often. It is as follows: Always remember to fall asleep with a dream and wake up with a purpose. I told her I try very hard to live that every day of my life. She said that's a good thing to live by. I loved her spirit and her excitement that she spelled my name right the other day. 😂 

Later, I even took on an emotionally draining task of discussing racism with a co-worker. I know it's bad form but it was important. I don't know if I made my point but I spoke up and honestly that's the first step. I hope at least someone listening heard part of what I was saying. People tend to live in their bubble and as long as their bubble is at homeostasis, they aren't concerned with the dealings of others. I wanted it to be realized that these protests and demonstrations and movements are to bring the issues to the forefront of that whitewashed bubble. To see the injustices, to fix them, and to learn from them. Like, I said I hope I made an impression. I speak with my heart and I was always told if you speak from your heart people will feel the genuineness. So my heart flows through my words and I hope a lesson is learned. If not this time, next time. I will not silence my heart. 

And finally today, I did a good deed. I have many times in my life worked so hard and felt extremely underappreciated or replaceable and I promise you there is no one in this world who wants to feel either of those things. So I took it upon myself to make a few someones feel special if only for a second. It cost me nothing but time and they may find it silly but it was an action that fell on my heart so I followed through. I'm so feeling the love and light today and I truly hope it continues. If you're having a great day today, or well any day, go on and shout it out loud. It feels amazing. People might look at you crazy sometimes but they're probably the people who need to try it. Don't say that though, they might get offend. you know what, just mention it. maybe it'll do some good. There are actually times when getting offended makes no sense, that is in fact one of those times. Beautiful Humans, love and light to you all! 

Being Human Isn't Selfish

I struggled today. My lack of sleep affecting my entire day. It's old news that I don't sleep but I was dragging by today. I had 3 sparks before 4 pm. It was a long day. Not necessarily a hard one I was just functioning below capacity all day. I could still use a nap but I know that one can't honestly "catch up" on sleep. It's impossible, but it's a nice thought we tell ourselves sometimes. In any case, I was the little engine that could. I thought I could, I thought I could and alas I made it to quittin' time but my mind is always at work even if not working at work. That's what those things do. I found myself flustered today at more than one point and apparently it was visible, or I look like hell after no sleep, because people kept asking me if I was okay. Apparently, I wasn't.

You ever notice how once you show people what you can do they take advantage of that. I used to find pride in the fact that people put my talents to use. Sometimes I still do. But there are other days when I realize I'm doing all the things for all the people and no one notices that I'm being drained. They continue to ask and expect more and more. There are days at work when I have downtime. Not because I'm not doing my job but because I work smart, not hard.

See, tasks at my jobs are divided evenly among the CSR's. That means no one person has more than the next right? But when I complete my given tasks in a shorter period of time I'm expected to pick up the slack. I understand that everyone should work together. And I have no issue getting up and helping my fellow coworkers. I do it often every single day by choice. I don't agree that I should be condemned because I had a few seconds to breathe. 

I'm not worried about doing more work than the next person. I am worried about being taken advantage of. I am worried about being undervalued for the extra that is often asked. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about how I'm valued. But I'm human and I'm also one of those Americans drowning in debt. So sue me for trying to do better for myself. I will not stop helping others. I won't. It's who I am. It's what I do. Sometimes, though, the struggle to do great and wonderful things is hard. Sometimes it's hard to give others all of you. I won't apologize for self-preservation. I'm not about that life. 

It's not just work though. It happens in your personal life too. People have crises. You're the go-to person for the crises. I get it. Everyone needs a person. But there are times when I have to say, "Ok, I get it you are having an issue and I love you and I support you and I want to help you but right now I'm at work and I have to work at work. This has to wait." I refuse to feel bad about that. Again, I am drowning in debt. My job puts food on my table. There has to be an understanding of priorities. Even still, I end up fixing the things but boundaries are important. Knowing that others respect and value my time is important. 

I will never regret helping someone. I will be disappointed that I was taken advantage of. But I know that I did what I could for who I could. I only ask that people have some decency. Show a little appreciation. We humans like that. Personally, I'm a fan of that hand-written card... just don't hug me. I'm not a hugger. Don't worry we'll make it through this crisis too. Sometimes you just get tired of being tired and you have to let off some steam. Good news though, we made it through hump day. Two more business days to go. Good job, you beautiful human!

These Fields Are Never Barren

I know signing up for a job in Customer Service never means just doing your job duties. You know you'll have to do all things more often than you really imagined. Some days though, it's hard to be the customer service rep, the secretary, the mechanic, the assembler, the tech support, the respiratory therapist, the accountant, the medical records department, & the life counselor all at the same time. It's hard. I'm thankful I have a job but I'm gonna go on and tell y'all it definitely isn't a rewarding one. I realize there are harder jobs. Cops, EMTs, nurses, all hard jobs but you know there's something that those jobs get that our menial jobs don't. Appreciation.

Nobody appreciates customer service. They have no problem cursing them and their mama but they never really appreciate them or consider some of the things that happen to them that have nothing to do with them or their job description. Customer service rep has got to be the most inclusive job I've ever seen in my life. I truly do want to work for the people. I just want to work in a more rewarding field. Not just wearing all these hats to pad a rich man's (or woman's pockets when they show no appreciation for my life or the struggles that they add because I'm replaceable. Knowing you're replaceable is a scary thought. But you do your best to not get replaced because well that's all you can do.

Today, though, someone asked me why I care so much. Why care if you know you're undervalued, over-worked and underpaid. Why do you even care? I could give you some crazy excuse like I'm a cancer. which is totally valid. I don't care if you believe in horoscopes or not if you look up the definition of a cancer my face is plastered on the page. I'm an emotional wreck and compassionate and I care too much. I digress but you gt the point. I care because I want others to care. I care because I was raised that way. I care because how I treat others is my mark on the world. I might be socially awkward and come off as tense or stuck up but deep in my soul I care so damn much.

This is the reason my F*** fields are not barren. Because if I didn't care about the opinions of others, I wouldn't care about how I treat them. That isn't to say that's how it works for all but that's how it works me. I will never not care it's not how I'm built. It's gotten me hurt on many an occasion but it's brought me joy in knowing I tried my hardest. I had the best of intentions and although good intentions don't always go far it's truly the heart that shines through.If you feel like you get trampled on often because you care too much, don't hate that about yourself. no, you should never hate anything about yourself but we're human. It happens.

Like in all things give it your best and that's all you really got. You can do great things you beautiful human.