If you asked me a few weeks ago if I was okay, you would've gotten a resounding and unapologetic no. If you ask me that same question this week, I guess it depends on the the hour. Logically, I know I'm going to be okay. But people who think with their hearts are usually less prone to logical reactions. My emotions are my enemy and my friend. My heart, my blessing and my curse. I don't regret that I do everything with my heart. It's who I am. It's who I've always been and although I suffer from RBF, I'm far from a hard candy shell.
Alas, here I am, getting up every day and getting the things done. Going above and beyond for others. Spreading goodness into the world in the small ripples that I make. I mean I'm not all peace, love and rainbows, no matter how hard I try. My mouth is less sailor-like than a few years ago but the f-bombs still fly and my road rage is at status quo. And my hormones, bless them, because once I get in my feelings I get lost in Wonderland and my reactions are not my own.
I'm trying to "get my life together," whatever that means. I'm paying down my monstrosity of debt, I'm saving for my future, I'm splurging at the Walmart. I'm trying to feed my body and keep her moving and keep her hydrated. Walks alone on a trail, yoga with the yogis, sweating and hitting the weights. All little steps to better my physical self as well as my metaphysical self. My thoughts are my worst enemy at times and I can ugly cry with the best of 'em. I realize, I only get one life and there is no time for wasting away.
I'm taking on new challenges. Learning the new things, creating the art, taking chances and stepping out of the comfort of my 4 walls in a way I never really considered before. You see, this place I'm at is a place I've never been. Like, ever. So while it may look as though I'm in rut and going no where, I'm exploring the life that surrounds me so I can find the life I've been looking for, essentially.
It's known to some but not to most, but every time I make a wish, I wish for happiness. All my life, well since I knew happiness was out there and I didn't feel it, I've wished for happiness. Birthday cakes, eye lashes, dandelions, shooting stars, every 11:11, I've always wished for happiness. I thought I found it once or twice, but I guess I was wrong. I think wonder if maybe I didn't know what happiness actually looked like or maybe I was expecting to find it in the wrong places.
I've been given an opportunity, in this new place I've been dropped, to truly figure it out. In ways and opportunities I never would've imagined for myself. These are the days, that I truly realize just how grateful I am for all the things I've ever said I was grateful for. My support system has risen above and beyond. I am not the certain of the Universe and I know there are quite the shitty and sad things going on around us, everyday, but I am the center of the Universe I have to live in everyday. I have to hear these thoughts and feel these feels and I'm so glad I'm getting to know the person inside me more and more.
Shit doesn't just happen. People make choices. Those choices cause ripples. That's how life works. I'm just trying to make my ripples something to be proud of. Something that lights my soul on fire. I love you, beautiful humans. That's the gift I give freely to the world. Do with it as you wish.
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