Yell It From The Mountain Tops

There are days when you wanna cry when you walk out the door and days when you just can't help but be happy. Today was the latter. I didn't have a particularly stressful day but there wasn't really anything special about, I'm just in a good mood. Whereas yesterday, I wanted to cry for no particular reason. People are complicated. However, yesterday I forgot my crystal quartz at home and today is is adorning my neck and I'm totally relating those two. I've been slowly working on my chakras and I truly believe that root one is almost fixed and then I shall be on to the sacral. If you don't believe in crystals or chakras, that's your prerogative. I a firm believer in do what works for you. 

 

This morning, I had a very happy mom & daughter sit at my desk and read my wall and ask about my necklace. I explained that I was promoting all the positivity in this little area. She read my posted quote and asked if I lived by it. If you have ever read this before you know I do in fact speak of this quote often. It is as follows: Always remember to fall asleep with a dream and wake up with a purpose. I told her I try very hard to live that every day of my life. She said that's a good thing to live by. I loved her spirit and her excitement that she spelled my name right the other day. 😂 

Later, I even took on an emotionally draining task of discussing racism with a co-worker. I know it's bad form but it was important. I don't know if I made my point but I spoke up and honestly that's the first step. I hope at least someone listening heard part of what I was saying. People tend to live in their bubble and as long as their bubble is at homeostasis, they aren't concerned with the dealings of others. I wanted it to be realized that these protests and demonstrations and movements are to bring the issues to the forefront of that whitewashed bubble. To see the injustices, to fix them, and to learn from them. Like, I said I hope I made an impression. I speak with my heart and I was always told if you speak from your heart people will feel the genuineness. So my heart flows through my words and I hope a lesson is learned. If not this time, next time. I will not silence my heart. 

And finally today, I did a good deed. I have many times in my life worked so hard and felt extremely underappreciated or replaceable and I promise you there is no one in this world who wants to feel either of those things. So I took it upon myself to make a few someones feel special if only for a second. It cost me nothing but time and they may find it silly but it was an action that fell on my heart so I followed through. I'm so feeling the love and light today and I truly hope it continues. If you're having a great day today, or well any day, go on and shout it out loud. It feels amazing. People might look at you crazy sometimes but they're probably the people who need to try it. Don't say that though, they might get offend. you know what, just mention it. maybe it'll do some good. There are actually times when getting offended makes no sense, that is in fact one of those times. Beautiful Humans, love and light to you all! 

Being Human Isn't Selfish

I struggled today. My lack of sleep affecting my entire day. It's old news that I don't sleep but I was dragging by today. I had 3 sparks before 4 pm. It was a long day. Not necessarily a hard one I was just functioning below capacity all day. I could still use a nap but I know that one can't honestly "catch up" on sleep. It's impossible, but it's a nice thought we tell ourselves sometimes. In any case, I was the little engine that could. I thought I could, I thought I could and alas I made it to quittin' time but my mind is always at work even if not working at work. That's what those things do. I found myself flustered today at more than one point and apparently it was visible, or I look like hell after no sleep, because people kept asking me if I was okay. Apparently, I wasn't.

You ever notice how once you show people what you can do they take advantage of that. I used to find pride in the fact that people put my talents to use. Sometimes I still do. But there are other days when I realize I'm doing all the things for all the people and no one notices that I'm being drained. They continue to ask and expect more and more. There are days at work when I have downtime. Not because I'm not doing my job but because I work smart, not hard.

See, tasks at my jobs are divided evenly among the CSR's. That means no one person has more than the next right? But when I complete my given tasks in a shorter period of time I'm expected to pick up the slack. I understand that everyone should work together. And I have no issue getting up and helping my fellow coworkers. I do it often every single day by choice. I don't agree that I should be condemned because I had a few seconds to breathe. 

I'm not worried about doing more work than the next person. I am worried about being taken advantage of. I am worried about being undervalued for the extra that is often asked. Maybe I shouldn't be worried about how I'm valued. But I'm human and I'm also one of those Americans drowning in debt. So sue me for trying to do better for myself. I will not stop helping others. I won't. It's who I am. It's what I do. Sometimes, though, the struggle to do great and wonderful things is hard. Sometimes it's hard to give others all of you. I won't apologize for self-preservation. I'm not about that life. 

It's not just work though. It happens in your personal life too. People have crises. You're the go-to person for the crises. I get it. Everyone needs a person. But there are times when I have to say, "Ok, I get it you are having an issue and I love you and I support you and I want to help you but right now I'm at work and I have to work at work. This has to wait." I refuse to feel bad about that. Again, I am drowning in debt. My job puts food on my table. There has to be an understanding of priorities. Even still, I end up fixing the things but boundaries are important. Knowing that others respect and value my time is important. 

I will never regret helping someone. I will be disappointed that I was taken advantage of. But I know that I did what I could for who I could. I only ask that people have some decency. Show a little appreciation. We humans like that. Personally, I'm a fan of that hand-written card... just don't hug me. I'm not a hugger. Don't worry we'll make it through this crisis too. Sometimes you just get tired of being tired and you have to let off some steam. Good news though, we made it through hump day. Two more business days to go. Good job, you beautiful human!

These Fields Are Never Barren

I know signing up for a job in Customer Service never means just doing your job duties. You know you'll have to do all things more often than you really imagined. Some days though, it's hard to be the customer service rep, the secretary, the mechanic, the assembler, the tech support, the respiratory therapist, the accountant, the medical records department, & the life counselor all at the same time. It's hard. I'm thankful I have a job but I'm gonna go on and tell y'all it definitely isn't a rewarding one. I realize there are harder jobs. Cops, EMTs, nurses, all hard jobs but you know there's something that those jobs get that our menial jobs don't. Appreciation.

Nobody appreciates customer service. They have no problem cursing them and their mama but they never really appreciate them or consider some of the things that happen to them that have nothing to do with them or their job description. Customer service rep has got to be the most inclusive job I've ever seen in my life. I truly do want to work for the people. I just want to work in a more rewarding field. Not just wearing all these hats to pad a rich man's (or woman's pockets when they show no appreciation for my life or the struggles that they add because I'm replaceable. Knowing you're replaceable is a scary thought. But you do your best to not get replaced because well that's all you can do.

Today, though, someone asked me why I care so much. Why care if you know you're undervalued, over-worked and underpaid. Why do you even care? I could give you some crazy excuse like I'm a cancer. which is totally valid. I don't care if you believe in horoscopes or not if you look up the definition of a cancer my face is plastered on the page. I'm an emotional wreck and compassionate and I care too much. I digress but you gt the point. I care because I want others to care. I care because I was raised that way. I care because how I treat others is my mark on the world. I might be socially awkward and come off as tense or stuck up but deep in my soul I care so damn much.

This is the reason my F*** fields are not barren. Because if I didn't care about the opinions of others, I wouldn't care about how I treat them. That isn't to say that's how it works for all but that's how it works me. I will never not care it's not how I'm built. It's gotten me hurt on many an occasion but it's brought me joy in knowing I tried my hardest. I had the best of intentions and although good intentions don't always go far it's truly the heart that shines through.If you feel like you get trampled on often because you care too much, don't hate that about yourself. no, you should never hate anything about yourself but we're human. It happens.

Like in all things give it your best and that's all you really got. You can do great things you beautiful human.

Dear Darla... I Mean Diary

I was told once that this blog was like my diary. That's true, I guess. I have hope that my words might help someone out there but this started as my way to work through my own issues. There is a comment section so is an option to comment so it's not like a real diary. Although, there are posts I don't share. Posts that help me work through thoughts that weigh on my mind. Like depression. Everyone is different when it comes to depression so giving my opinion on one situation or another is really a moot point. Everyone deals or doesn't deal differently. 

That's the lovely thing about this world. No one thinks the same way as the next person. Like I have entire conversations in the car, in my head, in total silence. I know other people do that but since I'm the only one in the conversation it can't be replicated. It's amazing how our minds work sometimes. I spend so much time focusing on the positive and sometimes I wonder if my positivity helps people or annoys them. I've been told often I complain a lot which bothered me so I made it about to bottle everything up and then went to a really dark place. 

The point there? Balance. There is noway I'm gonna just never complain. I'm human I have likes and dislikes and an opinion. It happens. But I don't want negativity to just pour from my soul and I also know that it is impossible to be truly positive all the time. Because again I'm human I have likes and dislikes it happens. Some days I love my body, some days not so much. Good hair days and bad hair days. I go hella hard on the nutrition or the water intake or the exercising and other days I eat cookie dough and play video games. My only plans are to find a healthy balance in life and to know I can't pour from an empty cup. I have to know when to save the $5 and when to buy cheese dip. 

Some days are easier than others but my focus is not giving up and trying to be the best me for the world that surrounds me. Hoping to continue to help people along the way. It's won't always be easy but it will be worth it. I read that somewhere and I agree the hard things are always fun to do but the fun things aren't always easy to get to. Plus as long as I'm consistent and genuine, life seems to be worth it and hopefully I don't make others lives harder. If I can achieve this balance I surely don't expect to be disappointed at the end of this journey and if I am, well, atleast I can say I tried. 

Wake Up & Put Your Sassypants On

Ever just wake up to a good day?! That's today. I didn't sleep well. I never do but for some reason when I woke up I just knew it was gonna be a good day. The word of the day is "sassy" and I am feeling it. I was told multiple times today that I was sassy. It's the red pants, I think. I'm embracing my inner "Rosie the Riveter." Pin-up hair, make-up did, outfit on point. Just having a fabulous feeling day for some kind of reason. I'm not about to question it though.

 No sleep, hormones raging and still choosing to embrace the positive. It's hard sometimes to embrace the good and let the negative roll down your back. It's hard to choose to be happy when you have numerous reasons to not be. It's worth it though. Again it's not depression you can just choose not to feel but, you know, those everyday blues that just make you do all the complaining. Those you can chose to avoid, and you totally should. You'll thank me for it later!

Stop! Right now. Think about something that pissed you off today. Take a deep breath and let it go. Now do it again but this time think about something that made you smile today? If there was nothing that made you smile here... (see below)

Okay, feel better? Now isn't that nice? Don't you want to feel that awesome as often as possible. Me too. I've walked around every day with a ridiculous weight on my shoulders before. It was not a fun time. I do not recommend. So try to take that little bitty step and find a reason to smile even if only for a second. Even if it's something you know you probably shouldn't be laughing at. It's not the end of the world and you're not a horrible person. Sometimes you just gotta embrace whatever that thing is.

Next step, say one thing you're thankful for. I don't care if you write it down in a journal(I love journals. I have about 20.) Put it on a private blog. Post it on facebook. Tell someone. Shout it to thin air on a mountain top. Just be thankful for something. It really gives you some perspective and a reminder to find a little humility. I don't care if you're religious or spiritual or if you just don't give a damn it truly does something all up in your insides to show thanks and you won't regret it.

Simply complete one random act of kindness a day. I don't mean you have to spend money or pay it forward. You don't always have to invest in someone else to do something kind. I totally do not object if you want to do for others but remember you are a somebody too. You can do something kind for you and change your whole outlook on something. Take care of you. We all know this world sucks sometimes but we also know we can't change it alone and we can't do it in a day. Never feel bad for taking care of you and being good to you. You're worth it, you beautiful human! 

Now sass it up and get the ish, whatever it may be, done. You got this!

One Foot In Front Of The Other

This week has been a hectic one. A Monday that you really feel the mondays to a Hump Day that's much too long. But it's been A good week. I had some attitude problems, I needed to check at the door but you know I've survived. My hormones seem to be a leaning a little more to the Incredible Hulk's sense of control and less She-Hulk. Deep breathing has been my friend this week.

 There have been some positives. I have made some new friends in my fitness group. I have planned out how to pay off my credit cards in 4 years. That might not sound like a feat but 20 g's in credit card debt is a scary mountain to climb. I have not given up on school even though I will have to pay for it myself, one day. I'm on day 10 of a much needed cleanse and while I haven't lost any weight I do feel sludge-free. I have had 130 oz of water today when my goal was only 110 and I have 16.9 more in this cup right here. That's hard y'all and my bladder is mad as hell. But I really love challenges. Especially health-goal related challenges. 

It's really so nice to know I'm working hard to heal my body. I have also worked out everyday but two since July 22, that's 9 whole workouts. And I've somehow managed to not feel completely and ridiculously sore (thanks, Nighttime Recovery!) Knowing I'm keeping my endorphins going has really helped to not let things that would have gotten me all the way down and out roll off my back. With minimal pouting, at least. This is a nice change in my life. It's nice to be able to get out the things that are driving me mad. It's nice to be able to put them into the universe. 

Writing has given me something I really needed. Something I haven't felt since my first blog. A way to set the struggles that weigh on my shoulders down and to feel a release. To know that I may vent and complain, I'm only human, but i try to balance that with some positive thought. I know people see that. I know people are watching. That's not vanity, it's humanity. So on to the more positive focus of the week. It's almost done. It's a pay week (Hallelujah!) I have a lot of good to focus on in the coming weeks. I have a mindset to put my head down and put in work and don't look up will I'm done. 

I have a new goal. I've talked a lot about not seeing a future for me and then finding some goals for myself and fighting for them but I saw something yesterday that is truly true to me heart. There's someone in my life who deserves all the love and praise I'll never be able to give her. She's been my rock just as many times as I've been hers and even if I don't want hugs I still need her each and every day so my new goal is for her...

(insert positive thought here)

Some days are bad. Some are good. Most are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. Today was the latter. But it's okay. It's going to be okay. That future I'm fighting for will be mine and I can't let this set back set me back. Today I found out I have no financial aid and that includes for this past summer semester I struggled through. So I dropped the classes I was scheduled for and now I owe back the money for the previous semester. I have no idea where I'm going to get this money. Like at all but I can't let it get to me.

I had a legit freak out this morning. We're not calling it anxiety. We're not owning that. But my blood pressure, y'all, went through the roof. I was simultaneously flushed in the face and pale as a ghost. It was a bad few hours. It drained me physically and I had to actually take a nap at lunch because I just couldn't keep functioning at that level. When I got home I felt a little better and then the dam broke and I had a little pity party and cried it out. It was cathartic and it let me release that tension and let it roll down my cheeks.

No, I'm not just better but I know I'll deal with all that needs to be dealt with in the time it takes to do it. I have to keep fighting for what I want even if the path isn't leading where I thought it should be. I have to do the hard things even when I don't want to. Make the sacrifices when I'd rather wallow in the sadness of the things that get in my way.

it. So it is what it is. I have to let it go and pull myself up from the ick of the day. Focus on what I can control.

I have to be the light in the day because my woes aren't as bad as some others and even if they are, life is about what you put into it. Not just what you get from it. In the words of Maya Angelou, "Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud." I let my bad day affect how I reacted in a situation and it really bothered me. So much so that I had to apologize for being insensitive. I didn't think before I released my negativity into the world and possibly added negativity to some one's day.

Here's to a brighter day tomorrow. Finding the peace in the day and some positive light in my life. It's not worth wasting the time on things that do no good. It's not worth carrying those bad vibes around with me. "New year, new me" is quite cliché but tomorrow really is a new day and a new chance at being my best me. Let's do this!

Goodnight you beautiful human ❤

Stickin' And Stayin'

I know I have made some serious strides lately. I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I am talking to people. I am sharing my heart and my passion and not letting being ignored or told no get me down. It's really a change for me. I let money and time be an excuse for my not keeping up fitness goals and I let depression be an excuse for my not so healthy eating. I tried not to let it show and be the queen of faking it but it didn't work. People noticed. 

When I was able to see a glimmer of light at the end of that dark tunnel I knew I was gonna have to do hard things. I was going to have to make some changes. I put $50 towards a week of healthy eating equaled one small commitment. A walk on a trail equaled one more small commitment. Midsummer Meltdown challenge was a larger nutritional commitment. A Summer Sweat Camp a larger fitness commitment. Small commitments have gotten bigger. Tiny steps putting one foot in front of the other. 

In all my health wins over the the last two years, I found confidence but I still wasn't happy with my body. I still covered myself. Wearing shapewear everyday was still a serious part of my life's fashion choices. I said I loved me because well, I didn't so much hate me anymore. I knew I had put in work to do better for me so that was obviously an improvement but I wasn't gonna post an everyday picture of me. You know, one of those not so flattering outfits you wore to the grocery store one day. One of those days you just didn't have time or a care to think about what you looked like.

Recently that's changed a little. I didn't notice it until today. So, I lost 50 lbs, we all may or may not know this but it happened. I've changed clothings sizes a little and right now I'm between a large and an extra large but obviously that size doesn't exits. So I bought a pair of jeggings in a large with hopes that they would be closer to that in-between size. They aren't. But that's ok. I'm working hard and eventually they'll fit right. But until that day they are perfectly good pants and as a girl with no money I wear what I have.

Fast forward to me standing in front of the bathroom mirror at work and I noticed all the rolls. Ain't nothing sucked in. You know what, I'm ok with all that. I'm a workin progress but I have consistency on my side. I know how to stick and stay. This journey is about progress not perfection. All the amazing terms I've learned in the Advocare community over the last couple years and now I truly understand them. I know they describe me and my journey and I embrace that.

Life is hard. this journey is hard. But it's worth fighting for. I am worth fighting for and you are too. You are so enough it is unbelievable how enough you are, you beautiful human!

The Good Place

I'm in a really good place. Can you tell? Maybe so. Maybe not. But I feel it. I feel the flutters of happiness in my soul. You might not know how long I have fought with this but it's been a good little while. Years and years up and down on that roller coaster. No, I don't have everything figured out but I have found a purpose and a will to work for the things I truly want. I have the passion to save myself. Like to say that out loud with all the happiness. I'm here to save myself! It has so much fire behind it. From the ashes I have risen.

I think it's about time for that tattoo. I have a few. Two of them have a very serious meaning one is just a symbol of where I was when I was 18 and it was a gift which made it more special. I always looked up to my cousin and I always wanted ink like hers so for her to buy me my first tattoo was pretty amazing. We grew up as sisters only 10 months apart and that bond has always been real even though I totally kicked her behind in high school. I won. I may not play fair but I always win. 😂

https://www.askideas.com/colorful-flying-phoenix-tattoo-design-by-katy-lipscomb/

I'm so glad I decided to start a new tradition for my family. I don't know how long it will go on but, hey, I started this blog with no commitment and well, here we still are, going strong. I have committed to finding some glue for my family. By no means do we always get along. That's not a real thing in any family I don't think but we have always had each other. Might be a little flaky sometimes but we find ourselves back home eventually (even if I have to give out road maps for Christmas). Family has always been important to me so I refuse to give up on them. So I have decided to budget a little of my money each month to have a single family dinner, one single Sunday out of the month. It's not a lot but it's more than we had.

We get out of this world what we put into it and I have committed to giving it my best. Not my former fake it til you make it but my genuine best, as often as possible. I want you to hear sunshine when I speak. I want you to feel my genuine nature and my truth. I want to put out only the best vibes and I want to neutralize the negativity of others. I'm not talking about depression. That's a real problem. A demon in itself and there are a lot of people including myself who have to fight that fight. But walking around being all pessimistic and down about what other people are doing is unnecessary. Focus on what you can control and the only thing you can control is you.

Let's go out and carpe the dang diem! Own the happy and don't live in the sad. We can all do great things we just need a little support now and then. I'm here to support you in any way I can. There's still plenty of time to join the #50GratefulDays group too. Even if you don't wanna join commit to it on your own time. You got this. I believe in you! Have a wonderful evening, you beautiful human!

It's A Good Day To Have A GRATE(ful) Day

We all know it's been a hot minute since I got my sweat on. Tomorrow, I will hopefully start Summer Sweat Camp (https://www.facebook.com/events/114021155865946/). That's 16 workouts by September 2nd. It's not that it's expensive when you break it down but it's a large expense all at once ($120). But I want more.

I need to get some more work done because "endorphins make you happy!" I really wanna commit to the Virtual Pace Series (https://www.virtualpaceseries.com/events/). That's basically an online 5k/10k/Half marathon. Obviously, I'm a 5k kinda girl. (It's been awhile.) But you get a cute medal and it's a really good way to stay committed. You still pay the same thing you would for an in-person 5k just without the community of other runners. Fabulous idea, kinda pricey but I can set my sights on it.

I also want to commit to a #hashtag workout challenge. Like that's not the actual name for it but a big thing for my Advocare loves is setting a workout challenge and using a hashtag to keep you committed and accountable. The most recent is #100daysofthankful. So 100 days is a lot. Like more  than I can even fathom right now. So I want to do an alternative version.

So meet, #50gratefuldays. The object is to 1) get in your set amount of workouts and 2) empower yourself with all the things you are thankful for each workout. I'm thankful for a lot of things but I'd rather just post something positive with every day's workout. Now normally, I wouldn't want to include yoga as a workout. However, this is a positivity challenge: loving yourself, loving your body and loving all the things you're grateful for so it totally counts.

I'm really trying to focus on the positive. I had a friend tell me today that she was really glad to see my positivity back in my life. I had just been thinking how I get less "likes" and less "comments" when I'm in a good place than when I'm in a bad place. People don't seem to acknowledge the good. And there she went proving me wrong. I was truly thankful that she saw it and she said it. She then pointed out that folks tend to dwell on the negative and that is so very true. I have dug deep and to change move that grey cloud that was chillin' over my head.

 Yes, I still have bad days. I still cry and sulk and sometimes eat my feelings but I'm not living in that space and that's the real improvement. I'm so very glad I was able to crawl out of that hole. For a little while or a lotta while, either way for now I'm okay. I'm working on my goals. I'm focusing on dreams and I'm so glad the people around me are noticing. We can all follow this yellow brick road right on to the Land of Oz. 

If you appreciate the positive, I thank you. If you encourage the positive, I thank you. If you stand by me when I'm not so positive, I thank you. I'm so thankful for each and every one of you and I don't even know who you are but you read my jumbled mess and you give me community and support even if you don't know it. 

p.s.

If you wanna join my grateful days challenge(https://www.facebook.com/groups/824700704351631/) working out and/or the grateful part, let's do this. If you need my support, just reach out. I've learned that so many things in life are not easy but commUNITY makes them bearable. I got you, you beautiful human, you! 😊

You're Not Supposed To Be Here

No, this isn't some horror movie. But it's pretty close. I'm somewhere I'm not supposed to be. I have found security in a place I shouldn't be secure. Thank you, Jason Pannell. You hit me with a sack of bricks. I truly shouldn't be safe in the fact that I always survive. That's no way to live. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm glad I survive but that's not all I want for my life. This past weekend gave me so much. Filled me all the way up to my soul. I needed that. I needed to feel that in the most serious sense of the word need. I was drowning. And now? Now I have a hope that I never had before. I have a hope that there can be more. That I can have more than my security. That I can excel in life. That I can feel true happiness of the best kind.

I've hinted to my dreams simply on the surface. Now, I have a vision that I can be so much more than I ever believed. I have a goal for debt freedom thanks to Advocare. I have fitness goals and I'm making mostly great choices for my nutritional needs ;) I have a fire in my heart to help others with the gift that Advocare has given me. Control of my health, wellness, and my finances. That's a gift I have no choice but to share. I was a girl who couldn't breathe just walking up stairs or simply sleeping. I was a girl who couldn't find anything to wear. I was a girl who was drowning in 20 grand worth of credit card debt. I still have work to put in. I'm still not in the best shape I can be but I'm in the best shape I've been since before I was a teenager. I'm not without debt but I'm a girl with a plan. There's so much more to life than I've been living.

This company has fueled my body and my heart. I've set my sights on some pretty large goals. Slaying my debt. Traveling to Philadelphia. Back to Dallas in February. And my heart is set on an all-expense-paid incentive trip to Disney. A little unknown fact when I was 5 years old I was promised a trip to Disney World. When I was 6 years old I lost my daddy and a trip to Disney was suddenly not a real thing. Here we are 23 years later and I'm surrounded by some Disney loving ladies and a Disney loving company and dangit I'm going to Disney. And I will do all this without going into debt. I refuse to be controlled by my debt any longer. It's not fair to the people I love not to know that they have options in life. It's not fair for them to be controlled by things they have the ability to control. We shall lock arms and defeat it.

Life is a process of learning and I learned so much this weekend. I stepped out of my comfort zone and talked to a total stranger for nearly two hours. She was so delightful and she just made it easy and I realized I was nervous for no good reason. I met some pretty awesome people and got to know some people I had met before so much better. I've learned that I can truly redefine my normal. I've learned that being fit isn't as simple as good nutrition and exercise. You need a community and I've found the best community and I'm so blessed. Someone said these people are your tribe. I have a tribe already but theres nothing that says I can't grow my tribe. I can embrace those who have the same goals and mindset I do and I can walk arm in arm with them and accomplish alll I have my heart set on.

Like I said, I have big goals. I have dreams, I have a vision, I have a purpose. I have 70 lbs that control my breathing and cause my body pain. I have ridiculous fears that hold me back from making friends and helping people and I'm hitting that breaking point and I'm releasing the sail. If you're not ready for this ride I truly understand. I've been livin' in limbo for a long, long time and I will love you support you in the best way I know how and when you're ready to take that leap of faith I'll be right there to hold your hand. Positive vibes only. We don't have room for negativity on this ride.

My second favorite quote this weekend, "If that doesn't light your fire, your wood is wet."

Goodnight you beautiful, amazing, people!😍

My Semi-Sweet Morsels

I've had an epiphany. Well, kinda. I have felt a little better lately and I think it is because I'm trying to focus on myself. The trick is to not feel guilty about focusing on myself instead of everyone else. It really is true though, I'm of much more help and much more bearable when I'm not so angsty and emotional. It's not like I'm doing a lot but little things go a long way, especially for me. I stopped biting my nails and now I'm proud of them so I take care not to break them. I took a selfie for the first time in months. I'm even doing my make-up a little. The hair is still in a ponytail but I wouldn't expect that to change anytime soon. I bought real healthy groceries and I ate them. See, little things. And today was a fairly good day all things considered and that positive outlook is something I've been missing. I may have mentioned Colleen Hoover once or twice and here's one more. In her slammed series, among the many amazing things I took from that book, is a thing called "suck & sweet." It's pretty simple, everyday has good and bad parts, but the point is to find the good even amongst  the bad. 

Sweet: I got to sleep in.

Suck: I had to go to the dentist.

Sweet: They were able to fix my crown... for free.

Suck: I had to go to the dentist xD

Sweet: I had a half day at work.

Suck: It was the last half of the day which is the busiest and really who wants to go into work on a beautiful afternoon.

Sweet: My boss is kinda great for letting me come in late.

Suck: I lost hours

Sweet: That same boss complimented my make-up.

Suck: I looked like a raccoon by the end of the day.

Sweet: I got to talk to my little brother.

Suck: I really miss having my little brother nearby and all of our sibling bonding time. He's the greatest.

Sweet: I hit my step goal for the day.

Suck: My step goal is too low.

Sweet: I ate really well today... including the dinner I cooked while at work.

Suck: I was stuck at work because the truck wouldn't start.

Sweet: I was informed a cheaper motor could be used to fix my car.

Suck: My car still isn't fixed.

Sweet: Today was a good day and I managed to get some blogging done.

Suck: I should be doing homework. -_-

Sweet: For today, I'm passing every class.

Suck: It won't be like that for long.

Sweet: I started packing for my trip.

Suck: I need more money for my trip. 

We'll end on a stream of sweet:

I'm thankful for this opportunity to go to Texas. I'm excited for my immediate future. I might not see the long-term but I have invested some time in making my vision board and committing to it. I am working hard everyday to be better than the day before and as you can see I have plenty to be grateful for. I look forward to more semi-sweet days like today.

It's Gonna Be A Good Day

Last Saturday, I woke up super pumped to do all the things. Okay,  not all of them. I just wanted to go workout. It was itching at my skin. I was a druggie who needed a fix. Of Endorphins. You know because Endorphins make you happy... I made an excuse. A plausible excuse but it's because I wanted to put someone else's feelings in front of my own need to take care of me. That's not a reason to do my body bad. Moral of the story: I didn't workout. My actual weekend included a 48 hour cycle of ugly crying and sleeping. It wasn't pleasant and I was so mad at myself for pissing away an entire weekend of my life. This last week at work (y'all I legit typed hell, my subconscious is angry) was utter and complete chaos. Yay birthday week, eh? Straight up skeleton crew and each day it only got worse. Shout out to our Marketer for lunch on Friday, it made for a perfect dinner. i'm going in late on Monday and the struggle is real. Much like the reason I'm going in late. 

Five years ago, I had a root canal and they gave me a temporary filling. They were jerks and I never went back for my crown. Two months ago, that filling finally came out and I had to get it fixed. Maybe  I've been brainwashed but I was determined to stay local and find a dentist and I did. I paid out of pocket to the the filling redone and I got a temporary crown. a month and a half later whilst eating my chicken philly (with horrible service) no more crown. I had an appointment for that Monday so I figured I'd just take care of it there. I did, a few more bucks and new provisional crown. Well, now I'm gun shy and barely eating for 3 days. I finally give in to a damn Reese's miniature and bam! no more crown. Straight bullish. So I have arranged to go back to the dentist early on Monday and lose hours at work. I'm not a fan. However, I leave for Texas on Wednesday so if it's gonna get done, it needs to happen now. 

I'm hella nervous about Texas. Mostly because I have no money and I froze my credit cards a couple months ago and I refuse to unfreeze them. Emergencies be damned. I struggled to buy my ticket, and my plane ticket, and my lodging and a rental car and those last 2 things I'm sharing with 6 other people. I have made lots of sacrifices to get into this room but you know I have a lot of eggs riding in this basket. Eggs of fire, passion, inspiration, and motivation and I refuse to short myself on that. I don't do nearly enough to take care of myself and I sacrificed a whole lot of self love to make this happen. Here's to Texas!! I am a little bummed that I'm gonna be an hour and a half from Colleen Hoover and I won't get to meet her. She seems like the most down-to-Earth person, she's hilarious and an amazing author. Slammed & Point of Retreat & It Ends With Us are my absolute favorites! Go check them out. Plus going to the Bookworm Box would make up for the fact that I can't afford the monthly Bookworm Box. I've decided next year I will be better at this. I will take a vacation. A real one and I will make sure this trip has enough room for Colleen. 

I try not to make commitments I can't keep but I made a commitment to myself last year to make it to this convention and well dammit, here I am packing for Success School, metaphorically, obviously I'm typing right now. I need to go to the Walmart and get some essentials and I really will start packing tonight. I also have homework due and a final due sometime in the next 2 weeks. Busy, busy times ahead. I'm hoping with the calming of the anxiety and trying to put some focus back on my health I will have some more positive things to share. Y'all have no idea how much help writing this blog has been for me. It gives me a voice when I feel like I can't speak up. It tells me somewhere out there someone cares enough to read even if I feel alone. And even if those someones are the ones who tell me that they love me everyday. Something about your anonymity gives me a little boost. So thank you for all you do, big and small. You're amazing.

It's New Day, But It All Feels Old... It's A Good Life, That's What I'm Told

I realized recently that my anxiety is kind of under control. That is to say I'm not gnawing away at body parts. My finger nails are growing back. That doesn't seem like much to a lot of people but I've always been a nail biter. I stopped for a few years but over the last few or so I have obliterated them. I don't have a lifestyle where getting manis and/or pedis is a real thing. You'd be surprised if my hair was not in a ponytail more than two days a week. But a small gesture like hearing t-t-t-tap on the table tells me my life isn't as going as badly as it feels lately.

I'm ok. I'm working hard at bettering myself. I spent a whole 50 bucks on healthy food. $50 of healthy food isn't a lot when you eat 6 times a day but it's a start.  I have put one foot in front of the other. I have committed to a week. I start on Monday... Well I started today but officially on Monday. Somewhere between dentist and work will be all the veggies and protein I can take!

I haven't had a paid vacation in, well ever actually. Next week I get two paid vacation days. It's not exactly a vacation I'm going on. But it's a trip I need. A trip to Success School. I am committing to my goals. I am committing to myself. Success School is an annual AdvoCare event. The largest AdvoCare event.  I expect to laugh and I expect to cry. Genuine people have that effective on me. And genuine people are all the people I have met on this journey. Genuine advocates who care.  I expect to feel a fire in my heart and I'm looking forward to it.

Two weeks from today, Summer Sweat Camp begins and I've been gifted this opportunity. The opportunity to feel like I'm giving me my best. I am going into this with an idea. I have friends who brought FIA to their neck of the woods and they burrowed a dream in my heart. FIA stands for Females in Action. It's a FREE, peer-lead, exercise program. The goal is to get moving with a group of supportive, like-minded friends. It's the greatest idea since sliced bread, IMHO.

I've always had dreams of bettering the world and the community around me. Since finding the AdvoCare community I've really focused that mindset. I want to bring health and wellness to those who cross my path. I have a long-term dream of opening my own yoga studio in the historic district on main street in my hometown because health and wellness aren't just about eating right and exercising. FIA gives me a start at building relationships and my physical health at the same time. And this sweat camp feels like a little fuel to my fire. I can't wait to see what happens.

These are just a few of the thoughts and slivers of the dreams that pass through my mind daily. I actually have a physical vision board on my door. Maybe one day we'll delve into that basket of crazy. Until then, goodnight & good luck... Seriously, whatever you wanna do, best of luck!!

*5 points if you know where that title came from-xoxo*

What Are We Gonna Do Today, Brain?

Change the world?

Change. I have no idea why this theme has been stuck in my life but I guess I just have to roll with it. I guess rolling with it is kinda the only option you have when it comes to changes. Sometimes you plan for them but what are plans even? It's not like they ever seem to work out. I mean don't get me wrong everything always works out just not normally the way you planned it.

Changes scare the living crap out of me and yet subconsciously I've left them subtly and very obviously in all 13 of my posts. I hadn't realized until this very minute. I was looking over things I'd written because once it's out of me I don't really think about it again. Today, though, I decided to skim and I realized I'm stuck on this idea. Sitting here long after work reflecting; I truly believeI'm stuckl on change because I feel so damn lost. Change is the only thing to set me on my path.

Not like choosing a path is particularly easy or anything. It's scary. It's unknown. I'm a fan of safety, security, and stability. Losing the comfort I have in that space it's anxiety-inducing. Y'all know I already have the anxiety. Stress-induced anxiety and it is horrible. But I feel like if I don't find my path soon I'll be lost in the woods forever. See? Now I'm scared of finding my path and the idea that I'll never find it. Spiritually, lost. Emotionally, lost. Physically, lost. Quite often, psychologically, lost.

How does one person get so damn caught up in nothingness. Have myself feeling like Frank Ocean over here. Spirituality will continue to escape. I feel connected to very few things. My emotions stay at 100 always. arguing back and forth with logic. My daily focus is physical, how the hell am I to get my health straight? I fail often but I do wake up everyday and try again. Psychologically, I struggle with the kind of person I am. Like, seriously, am I crazy?

Maybe the Universe is lighting a fire under my booty to get some things done. Survival is great but there has got to be more to life. I want to save people. Not just be Captain Save-a-Ho but actually make a difference in the world. I still have the fantasy of being a mom one day. It's probably not realistic but it's not a dream I'm keen on letting go of. But I often wonder if I have in me what it takes to save the world. Even a small portion of the world. How can I save the world if I can't save myself?

In my opinion I'm not a nice person, I may have mentioned that once or twice. I think I might be socially awkward to a fault. I try so hard I come off as a bitch or I'm so lost in my own world I come off as a bitch. FYI-I'm not actually a bitch. I have ridiculous mood swings that make me super sweet or a demon from the pits of hell and questionable moral history. Not to mention a completely unrealistic view of the world and the people in it. I should probably talk to someone but , hell, why not just blog on the interwebs.

I honestly need to learn to love me. Accept all of me. But where the hell is the guidebook on that? How do you teach you to love you? My friends gave me all the warm and fuzzies and I knew that even though what they were saying made sense I still didn't feel it. I hate that. I wish I saw myself the way others see me. Maybe I don't considering a lot of people find me off-putting I probably wouldn't feel any better. Rephrase: I wish I could see myself the way the people who love me see me.

Maybe I will go find me a self-love book or something and see what happens... it can only go up from here right? Step 1. And go.