IT'S BEEN ONE WEEK... AND 561 DAYS.... SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME

I haven't written a single blog post in 568 days. I've written in my journal, like, the physical one. Pen to paper has a sense of peace that typing has never given me. Nonetheless, I still like to share a thought or two here and there. First of all, this last year and a half, (seriously, how has it only been a year and a half?!) has been a muh'f'n whirlwind... of amazing. I said it. Ah-Maze-Ing. Didn't see that one coming! 

So last we spoke, I wrote a love letter to myself. I see it daily, it's hanging on the wall in my office. It listed everything I know I'm worthy of. It brought to attention everything I was missing out on by continuing a toxic relationship. Those words came from my heart and and I promised myself I would not settle for less again. From that day forward I took a new path for my life. I was gonna be independent and be the woman who has a plan and gets things handled by her self because I wasn't ready for another relationship. Made plans and new dreams and started putting one foot in front of the other on my way. I talked to people here and there, dated someone but nothing serious. I didn't want serious, I wanted some companionship. Being tied to someone else for the long-term was not in that plan. Y'all know what happens when you make plans, right? Yeah, so we're not even gonna pretend like that's how this chapter goes. I did buy myself this gorgeous tattoo that I love so much and I flew across the country by myself and visited my bestest in Cali for the first time since she moved there, many years ago. 

I had so much fun and will always treasure that one on one time we got to have even in the midst of my ever evolving story. However, the "that escalated quickly," moment came in he form of a FB message on a random Thursday, from someone I hadn't spoken to in years. Sans, that one smart ass comment he'd left on a post I made about throwing axes but I digress. We'd known each other as teenagers. I may have had a tiny little crush on him back in the day but he wasn't interested in me and  as most of my crushes back then I just let it go.  He didn't choose me and well that was that. Things happened and time passed. We spoke here and there as we got older and realized we had both had feelings for each other we just didn't know it. Life had happened and we missed our chance. Eventually we were nearly strangers. Like, if I saw him obvi I'd speak but I'm awkward and well that wouldn't go anywhere (and my life in the past was plenty complicated.) The magic of Facebook still meant we were quasi friends. We saw each others highlight reals. He was happily married and successful (and had a truck, I loved... bahaha.) For a while there, I was also happily married and well, I don't know about successful but I was trying. My highlight reel didn't show all the other things that happened but if you've read this blog once or twice you know I got dark and complicated. Either way, life went on. I did know where he worked and what he drove and it happened to be that I drove by that place daily for years on my way to work before we got to talking again without ever once stopping to say Hi. I blame toxic complications. The Universe knew better. We needed some time individually. 

Surprisingly, to my awkward and not-in-a-cute-way self, when he messaged me that day the conversation was so natural, and he asked me out. Embracing the single life but also wanting to have fun I was down, especially if I was getting food and to go throw axes. That sounds like a good time in my book lol. He had to work that weekend so we planned it for the next weekend he was off. I was looking forward to seeing him but I could wait, no big deal. I'm only a little bit impatient sometimes... maybe. We talked constantly for the next couple days; the (re-)connection was instant. He happened to end up with that Sunday off and decided he wanted to go out that evening. He asked my favorite restaurant and that's where we had dinner. (Smart man!) There wasn't much to do last minute on a Sunday but we went to see a movie  (Aladdin, it was actually pretty good, IMO.) I'll admit it was a little awkward in person. We were both hesitant and shy and again, I'm awkward AF. That night when he dropped me off, I was like, ok maybe he isn't that into me. I mean, that's totally possible. I spent years with a person who was "not that into me." Nope, we just had an off night. We kept talking every day and spending time together... (that means he came to see me in the mornings after working 12 hours and before I went to work.) Our schedules were completely opposite but he put in sooooo much effort. It was truly refreshing. I don't know if y'all have picked up or not but ummm "I'm not looking for a relationship turned into, "You had my heart a long, long time ago," with a quickness. I was still a little gun-shy though. Ya girl was nervous about this serious relationship situation. I had made plans dammit.

I put on my big girl panties, and had the hard conversation. "I'm really not trying to move to fast." "I don't want to fall for nostalgia. Get caught up in the people we were back then." He is seriously the most understanding man I've ever met and he was completely down for it. I take responsibility for the fact that I last 2.76 seconds of taking things slow. We saw each other every morning, he came all the way to Wilson to see me for lunch during the week, we video-chatted every night. I fell hard. He told me he loved me but I didn't say it back. Honestly, how could he love me this soon? Is he sure? Is this just knew and exciting? I had been in a traumatically toxic relationship for years... do I even trust what my heart tells me is love? I was scared AF to say those words but music has a special place in my heart. It allows me to say so many things I can't always find the words for. I don't know if he remembered this or if he even knew it about me then but I had already told him in my own way just weeks into our relationship. I had shared the song "In Case You Didn't Know." However the day he said the words (out loud and on purpose for me to hear and I didn't say it back, I knew I had hurt him. It wasn't on purpose, I was just scared. So I sent him, "Don't Think I Can't Love You." I needed him to hear me even if he couldn't hear me. I did get around to telling him and I haven't gone a day without saying it since. A few months later, I moved in and this fairy tale has had some ups and downs but every moment with him has been a moment I cherish. He fulfills every single line of that list of things I was worthy of, daily. 

When you find the right one, you know. Like, it just hits different. So when he asked me to marry him a year after we started dating my answer was (*nsfw*) FUCK, YES, OF COURSE I WILL, JACKASS!! Yeah, I have a way with words. LMFAO. Thankfully, he appreciates all my quirks. Al'um. I am grateful that all those plans I made got thrown out the window for the new plans we've made together. I did not see this coming but I am so hopeful for where we are going, together. It took some hard work getting to this place. a lot of working on myself, a lot of pain, a lot of learning, and I'm never finished, but I'm so much farther than I ever imagined I would be. 

Remember the story of the bamboo. Plant your seeds. Water them. Let the sun shine on them. Care for them while they find their roots. Speak love unto them. Wait for them. Then sit back and watch them shoot high above you... because of you.

FYI, the hard work is totally worth it & you're doing fabulous, you beautiful human!

YOU OUGHTA KNOW

Ya know, you don't have to be religious or spiritual or anything to know what you put into the world comes back to you. But let's just muse that for a moment. You reap what you sow. Karma. The Law of Return. Hell, physics, man. Newton's Third Law is a law for a reason, it's just true. Maybe that big ego got you thinking it doesn't apply to you. Oh, if only it were that easy.

The world we live in requires balance. I speak on that a lot and that is why we have consequences for undesirable acts. As well as why we have rewards for positive ones. For example, the work I've put into me has sown self-love, respect, a healthy body, a future I can dream about, personal growth, the ability to know that I am not the person I once hated. I am strong-mind, body, and soul. I can find gratitude in darkness and I am better now than I was then while understanding I am never my best. I can always grow and change and do more. I can treat people better. I can plant seeds of love and good will and prosper in peace and happiness.

Self-awareness is a powerful little tool. Putting in the hard work for the things you have learned about yourself is hard. I'm here to tell you, it's worth it though. Don't give up on you but don't take the easy way out. Be respectful of yourself and of others. Value your ethics, your morals, that little you sitting on your shoulder that lets you know that it might be hard but it is the right thing to do and in the end in you will have more to be grateful for than you ever imagined. You will be a better version of you than you are today. Never stop taking time to learn and grow and remember the grass is greener where you water it and good things take time.

Remember the story of the bamboo. Plant your seeds. Water them. Let the sun shine on them. Care for them while they find their roots. Speak love unto them. Wait for them. Then sit back and watch them shoot high above you... because of you.

My final thought today comes in a little "love letter" I wrote to myself this week...

wor·thy

/ˈwərT͟Hē/

adjective

1. having or showing the qualities or abilities that merit recognition in a specified way.

"issues worthy of further consideration"

• deserving effort, attention, or respect.

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO TRULY SUPPORTS YOUR GOALS

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO CELEBRATES YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO MAKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES YOUR GIVING  HEART

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO VALUES YOUR OPINIONS

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO RESPECTS YOU

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T SHAME YOUR FEELINGS

YOU ARE WORTHY OF SOMEONE WHO TRULY NEVER WANTS TO HURT YOU

YOU ARE WORTHY.

You are worthy, you beautiful human. Know that you are.

...It's Not A Priority

This thought has been on my mind a lot lately. I see so many people I love and adore saying I wish I could do this thing but I don't have time, or I don't have money, or I should but I'm doing this other thing instead. Stop it. I read somewhere that you're always doing exactly what you want to be doing at any given time. You are. You might not like your job but you go to work because you want to because you want to pay your bills or buy yourself pretty thing or whatever you do with that money. You take on projects because you want to. You decided what to do with your time and in that moment you wanted to say yes, even if your insides are saying you didn't want to. If you didn't want to, you wouldn't have. You don't have money in savings because you wanted to spend it on something else. You don't workout because you wanted to do something else instead. You can't afford x because you wanted to buy y instead. You are always doing what you want to do. If you want to do it, there will be no excuses. Nothing changes if nothings changes so change the way you think about it. Change how you word that sentence. It's not that I can't afford to do this it just isn't a priority. It's not that I can't lose weight, it's that it isn't a priority. It's not that I don't have time for self care, it's that it isn't a priority. You should be a priority. The things you want should be important to you. But if your mind says can't then it's just making excuses and you need to have a little self-to-self talk and stop lying to yourself. You deserve better.

The Space Between Us

I started writing this blog because I needed an outlet that wasn't toxic. I was going through some things that I hadn't dealt with. Things that we happening that I needed to deal with. And this blog became that place I could go with those things. As you may have noticed, I haven't had much to say lately. Not that life hasn't been happening just that I wasn't moved to write. Today, 2 minutes from my job I found out my grandfather had passed away via a Facebook post. I knew he was given only days to live considering his diagnosis but finding out that way was jarring. Then again all other updates had been via text so it wasn't too unexpected, I guess.

My father's father. I had never really been close to that side of my family. When I was 6, my father died and all of a sudden it seemed like this invisible barrier was thrown up. I was 6 and enveloped with love from my mom's side of the family so I didn't exactly notice. But, when I made it to family gatherings for my dad's side (because my mom made that a priority until we were old enough to chose because she wanted them to be apart of our lives cause they were family,) I always felt like I was never comfortable. I never felt like I belonged. My brother and I were younger than our cousins and we didn't grow up with them like they did so there was not the same connection I knew with my other cousins who grew up as my siblings more than cousins. I was always quiet when we were there and such a big deal was made about it and attention brought to it which made me shrink in because I didn't like that. As I got older I was overweight, I'll never forget the first time someone made that clear with a sideways comment. It was at one of those family gatherings and it was so discouraging to have someone who didn't know much about me telling me I was overweight when I already didn't feel like I was one of "them".

As I got older a teenager and young adult, that space grew and there was never a time I felt comfortable reaching out. I was already an awkward teenager and I was still a child so how do you go about building broken relationships with adults who you didn't feel understood you, right? Then as an adult, I experienced a wedding that I honestly didn't expect anyone from that side to show for because I had chosen to marry someone of a different color and I had heard so many derogatory comments growing up. I had been told I just needed to understand why they didn't agree with my being in love with someone of a different race no matter how happy I was or how great he was to me. I am thankful for the 3 who showed even if they abruptly left. But that was another, you're not like us statement.

Between 2012 and 2017 I lost 3 very important people and my life was a downward spiral filled with depression for much of that. And a comment on Facebook or a like on a post was really the most I saw. And the space grew. Still, I did go visit my grandparents, even when I didn't show for family gatherings. We had one on one conversations. Even while my grandmother's memory started fading. I noticed it 3 years ago, for the first time in 28 years she didn't call and sign happy birthday or for the next 3 years and I know she has no control over that but the sadness it brought hit hard. But I would occasionally stop by or answer her phone calls asking questions that I knew she should've known. My mom made it a point to keep up with them and check in and listen to all the gossip my grandpa felt she should know lol. I went to see him in the hospital a couple of weeks ago and for the first time ever, he complimented me instead of telling me I'd gained weight. He talked to me and told me he loved me. I knew then, that his prognosis was poor but that night I was able to have closure. And although, it may look on the outside that I don't care. That isn't remotely the case. There's just a lot of painful history to process. That doesn't mean the love isn't there. The love will always be there. For each of you. Even if we view things differently.

Rest peacefully Grandpa. To each of my family members, may you be wrapped with comfort. I love you.

BACK LIKE I NEVER LEFT

I went on vacation. Not an actual vacation or anything. Just a little living in the life, got caught up, forget to blog hiatus. Totally still here. during my break. I was intentional with my workouts and my yoga and my healthy (ish) eating... I did turn 30 after all. And birthday cake is a real thing. That was a big one. Definitely entered a new decade in life. I leaned out a little by focusing on me and my body's needs and less on the things going on around me and felt better because of it.

I also focused on coming to terms with the fact that being a positive person doesn't mean you don't have bad days. It doesn't mean you don't get angry or that you can't cuss at your trainer during your entire workout. It means you try to spread the love and light whenever you can to draw out some of that darkness. I found this snazzy snooze figure on the Facebook. You know those family members you love but are always promoting drama and negativity and you just can't have that in your space but don't wanna completely cut them out? Snooze them for a little and enjoy that breath of fresh air. I may miss out on a few of the positives but my overall wellness is improved so it's worth it.

As I'm finishing up my #fitin50 workout challenge (right on time by August 1st), I was thinking about what my next goal would be and so now I'm participating in a 30 days of Yoga ( see Yoga With Adriene) in 90 days Challenge. 90 days because life is busy and I'm already committed to personal training multiple times a week and yoga on Mondays at the chapel. So two days a week will be dedicated to Yoga with Adriene, in my bedroom. Committing to doing something for yourself is my favorite form of self-care. What's yours?

I tried to start reading a book with friends, except I couldn't afford the book and I realized Audible is not my friend. But my next personal goal is to focus on my reading. For fun or for growth just to focus on focusing because my mind has not been cooperative in that department later. I'm gonna make a reading list. Not just a TBR list, an intentional reading list. I've learned setting intentions and deadlines for myself and not just maybe someday goals works so much better for me because I'm committed to me. I've always been a dreamer so maybe somedays give me a little something to think about to keep hope alive but it's not the same.

Here's to doing better in life. Being the best me I can be cause I'm the only one. And never giving up on me. I'll wish the same for you too. Have a beautiful day you amazing humans!

It's Time To Feel Good

So recently, I've found some love for myself I didn't realize I wasn't expressing but that also brought me to a new summer theme. A feel good summer. I want to support feeling good in healthy ways always but as I'm surrounded by pushes for bikini bodies and slimming down (which are great if that's what you're aiming for) I'm reminded that's not what everyone is aiming for and it's not also as easy for some as it is for others. But feeling good is attainable. And a good measure for everyone. I'm gonna go on and say this one time, do not shame someone for seeking medical attention for depression or anxiety because they could've done it a natural way. Just FYI: that's totally not true for just everyone. But also, I do support combining alternative and modern medicines if modern medicine is needed. And of course, I also realize that sometimes you can't go about the alternative way because your depression and /or anxiety is clouding you and making you so unable to do more than the bare minimum that the idea of trying something "natural" while in that fog is nearly impossible. That's okay too. You got this, however works for you.

But now that we have the chance, lets focus on some feeling good. Eating the good foods that make you feel like you could take on the world. And less of the foods that, while delicious, make you feel tired and heavy and bloated, so bloated. Go out in the sunshine (with sunscreen) or the shade and touch the water or walk in the park or just sit on your porch. Practice yoga, even if you feel ridiculous doing it (try it in your living room or with other yogis.) Or simply sit in the quiet and just breathe. Workout. You don't have to be running marathons or lifting heavy. 20 mins, 3 times a week doing something small in your living room. Keep those endorphins flowing and dedicate time to you. Drink the water. I know all water doesn't taste the same and some people don't like it and hell there are people in this country who don't have access to clean water so don't take yours for granted and keep your body hydrated (and donate to the Flint Water Fund if you have the means.) If you need to there are plenty of things you can add to make your water delicious, this is my fave!

Do little things for yourself to give yourself gratitude and love and just feel good. I know I might sound crazy a little too positive but I've been down too. I been the "check on your withdrawn friend" friend and the "check on your strong friends" friend. I get it. I've been hiding the hiding my problems by getting blackout drunk and then functional to get my butt to work. Trust me, just because we haven't all had the same struggle doesn't mean I can't have empathy for your struggle. You never know what the person next to you is going through if they don't tell you. All I'm saying is when you get the chance to grab the swim floaties do all you can for you. Because you are loved, you are wanted, you will be missed if you're not hear. But find a purpose, goals, dreams. Feed your fire and live your best life. Because it's not just about what you mean to other people, yes it's great if what you mean to others is keeping you here, for now. Still, you have to find what's important to you. What are you here to fight for. Say it out loud. Say it with strength. Say it until it's the strongest voice you hear. You are absolutely amazing!

I say the things I believe and I say them with strength. And I mean it. And I will say it until you believe it too!

SELF LOVE AIN'T ALWAYS BODY LOVE--BUT IT CAN BE

My last post was about loving you even when you wanna change you. That you can love your plus-sized body and still strive to eat healthy and exercise. I really hope if you were struggling with that you came to see it doesn’t make you a traitor to your self-love to strive to be stronger. But a few days later I found a post that says body positivity was more than just nudity, crop tops, and bikinis. She is 100% correct. But if chakras have taught me anything. It’s that you gotta fix the root first.

The root chakra is associated with security, safety, survival, basic needs (food, sleep, shelter, self-preservation, etc.) grounding, support, foundation for living our lives and finally physicality, physical identity and aspects of self.  Essentially all those things that are skin deep. Next is your sacral and well that's where desire comes in and to your solar plexus where you define yourself and your heart chakra where you love yourself. That's a lot going on. But it really all seems to start with your physical view of yourself and feeling safe in that. 

Finding a way to accept and love your physical self is based on how we view ourselves but from a young age how we view ourselves is a learned behavior based on how others view us and what society teaches us is right or wrong with us. Being secure in your body in your nakedness, not necessarily publicly but when you look in your own mirror is a powerful emotion and sometimes requires becoming bare and raw in public. With that being said, I made a big step towards that in the past two weeks. I am still over 200lbs and I’m only 5’3” so there's a lot of rolls, and excess, and stretch marks and cellulite and as much as I love my body, baring it to the world was frightening as hell. 

Recently, though, I’d been inspired by plus-sized girls like me breaking out their bikinis and showing the world they cute as can be in all their glory. I posted on Facebook that I wanted the confidence to wear something like that. A week later, I bought me a two piece. A few days later, I wore it out in public. And did. And for the first time ever, I wasn’t feeling self-conscious about my belly being uncovered. It was amazing to realize how much I had stressed that moment in the past 15 years… since the last time I wore a bikini. I know I have, work to put in to continue my self love. I know I have work to put in to be my healthiest, strongest self. But just looking at how far I’ve come deserves celebration. 

I learned to put belief in myself. It came to fruition and man, it felt so good. I have a vision board at home but it needs revamping. I have a few more things, better goals I need to spill some belief in and a girl has the strength and the power to make it happen. I’m so thankful for the people that have surrounded me who build me up daily. From all sides, I’m blessed with love. It’s true what they say. What you focus on, you become. Follow your mind right on into believing in yourself and make what you desire happen. You can do great things, beautiful human.